"Ask Dr. Tracy"
Current (5/17/98) Column --
HIS EX IS A MESS,
CAN'T FIGURE OUT WOMEN,
ATTRACTED TO GODZILLA
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I was wondering if you would be able to shead some light on a situation
that has been driving me crazy! My boyfriend and I are both 20 years
old, and have been together for almost two years. The problem is the
girl he went out with before me - she needs a therapist. It has been
almost 3 years since they broke up, and he was really mean to her- it
seemed to be the only way to make her realize that he really didn't want
to be with her. I have managed to stay out of this whole situation
because at first, it really wasn't my business. What happend with the
two of them when they were together is their business. I know the
details from him, but I have not commented to her. While him and I were
in the process of forming a friendship, she asked him to please stop
being my friend, which he refused to do. She has showed up crying at his
house, parked him in, and after being kicked out of his room, sat
outside crying to his mom. (I know this because I had to go spring him
from his own house) She has said that I am the only thing that is
standing between her and her eternal happiness, and that if it wasn't
for me, they would still be together. That is just not true. They were
over way before I was even in the picture. The thing that annoys me is
that she is still calling his house, after several unsuccessful attempts
at getting his new phone number. She talks with his mom, and goes
through the whole thing that he was her first love and that it takes a
long time to get over, and that if he wanted her back she would be there
right away, and that she doesn't think that we are right together. (She
doesn't even know me!) She has lost friends over this, because she won't
stop talking about how much they belong together and how big of a
mistake him and I are.
I would like to just politely email her and tell her that I really
think that she needs to talk to someone. I would love to just break it
down for her and tell her how it is, but for his sake, I have been just
ignoring it. I told him of my plan to email her and tell her this, and
he said not too, to just leave her alone, and that he wants us as far
away from her as possible. I don't know what to do. I would really love
to just email her, for some reason, he and his family feel the need to
tolerate and entertain her behavior, which I really fell is borderline
obsessive. Should I email her anyway- I know she would run and tell him
or what? Enough of this is enough.
running out of patience
Dear Running Out of Patience,
You have him and she doesn't, so you might as well be compassionate and simply say, "Oh, poor thing. I feel so sorry for her." And leave it at that.
There's nothing for you to gain by talking with her or writing to her. She'll only think you're trying to get her out of the picture so that you can have Mr. Wonderful all to yourself.
Besides, if she needs a therapist, you can't fill that role. I agree with your boyfriend that you should leave her alone and stay as far away from her as possible. Besides, if you do it now, after he said not to, you'd be risking getting him angry with you -- which gives her a win.
So be gracious, be big of heart, and show your generous side. Ignore her as much as possible. Let her act crazy and obsessive; it only makes you look better.
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I don't know if you use names on here so i'll just call my
self confused. I've never been able to figure out women. And i love and
admire them greatly. I would really like to know how i can tell if a woman
likes me and if not how i can get her to like me by acting different or
anything cause i'm not an ugly guy by no means just confused. I'm 33 male
native floridian tan 6'1 185 lbs black hair brown eyes and a nice car and
my own apartment. I'm recently seperated from my wife that i been trying to
get back together with. We've known each other for about 13 years and lived
together for 5 years before we got married and have a 5 year old together. I
do wish i could figure out why she never seems interested in even talking
about sex even when we were married i could never figure her out in that
way. Could you please give me some pointers on how i could go about getting
her to be interested in me sexually as well as a soul mate again? I know
this is very vague but i really need some help on how to talk to women and
approach them the right way. Well i hope you can help me Dr. Tracy Thanks
for trying to understand all this i know its not easy but anything you
could do would be a great help. Thank You very much.......Confused
You're confused because you're trying to get water out of a dry spout. You've always wanted your ex-wife to be sexier, but she isn't. Well, guess what? Some women are sexy and some are not. If a woman is not a sexy woman, chances of her becoming one are almost nil.
There's no way she's going to change and suddenly desire you sexually after living with you and not wanting you for 13 years. If she's hot, she's hot, and if she's not she's not. I don't know why that's so hard for men to understand. Sexy women must have sex. They talk about it, they think about it, they do it. She's just not a sexy woman.
It's also obvious she doesn't want you. When a woman is attracted to you, you'll know because she'll want to be with you all the time.
What's really sad here is that you're a nice, attractive, tall, sexy guy who is trying to get a woman to love you who has no interest in you. What a waste! And as long as you're mooning over your ex, no intelligent woman would take a chance on getting involved with you, so you're defeating yourself in several ways here.
Make as clean a separation as you can from your ex. Stop looking to her to give you love and emotional fulfillment. Find a woman who wants to be with you, and stop chasing one who obviously has had you and decided she doesn't want you anymore. It's easier to start fresh with a new relationship than to try to fix an old one that's as damaged as yours is.
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I am a married 45 year old woman who is attracted to a 26 year old man that I met in class. He's not physically attractive, he's very immature, he doesn't work, he's insecure, he's narrow-minded, he doesn't know how to communicate, he doesn't know how to relate to a woman (even as a friend) and he's afraid of relationships -- to name a few. With all these cons, I don't understand what's the attraction...the only thing I can think of is chemistry. It bothers and confuses me that I'm so focused on him (he's always on my mind). I don't understand what's going on. How do I resolve this?
I've never had this happen before...I don't know how to deal with it. I'm going crazy thinking about it and trying to figure it out. Any advice?
Dear Going Crazy,
I'll say you're going crazy. You must have an emotional deathwish to be so drawn toward someone who's so obviously unworthy. You'd be semi-safe if you were just obsessing about him, but what are you doing, talking to this oaf about relationships? Some part of you obviously realizes how totally destructive it would be to your marriage and your life if you encourage him any further.
Since you don't have anything good at all to say about him, you're most likely suffering from an escape obsession. In other words, you're obsessing about him to avoid thinking about and facing a real problem in your life.
Is there an important decision you need to make that you're torn about? Are there other family problems you don't want to deal with? Is there some unhappiness in your life that is so terrible you'd like to erase it? Or perhaps your life is just so boring that you'd do anything to make it more interesting including getting involved with Godzilla?
Stop. Do not pursue this. If you get rejected by Mr. Totally Unworthy, you'd really feel bad about yourself. If you don't get rejected, you'll probably regret the affair for the rest of your life. Instead, find another way to put some excitement in your life. Take up exciting hobby like sky diving or scuba diving. Get your thrills elsewhere. You don't need this kind of destructive emotional uproar in your life.
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