Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

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But He Promised He'd Call!
Unable to Commit
The Most Common Female Fantasy

But He Promised He'd Call!

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I really need an answer to my question, somebody in this world have to know the answer because I'm going completly crazy...

Two months ago I started dating my friend who moved to the States 2 years ago. Things were going just great, but a month ago he got a letter that the American Embassy refused his application for immigration visa and he had to leave the country. The last few days he was here, we barely saw each other, he was getting his things done (selling the car, saying bye to all his friends and a bunch of other thing that he named). He said he is not sure of the exact date when he is supposed to leave. The last time I saw him, it was same as usual, we were talking and I had to go to work so he left, leaving me with his last words that one day he'll come back just to get me and he swore in his mother's grave. He said he'll call the next day, but he never did. After three days of me trying to find him I found out that he left right the next day after we saw each other.

This last three weeks I've been trying to find his phone number and address but his family refuses to give any information, last time I called the answer was : "Sorry, I can't give you the phone number, if he wants he got yours, he'll call". So now I'm in the middle of nowhere, can't get my mind off this guy, I don't sleep, I forget to eat a lot of times ( from 146 pounds I'm down to 116 in a last three weeks), I'm crying like crazy every single night and my friends don't understand how I feel. For them it bacame a usual thing "Oh, she's crying again, lets go to another room, she'll be Ok in a while"

What do I do, why is he not calling, am I really going crazy over here ???

Dear Going Completely Crazy,

You feel like you're going crazy because you refuse to face the truth -- this guy is gone, and if you wait around for him to come back for you, you're only kidding yourself. Get a grip.

If he wanted to contact you he would, and if he was worried about missing you while he was gone, he'd have wanted to spend more time with you before he left. His family won't give you his phone number because he obviously has told them not to.

What kind of humiliation will it take for you to stop chasing this guy? You only dated for two months and you act like he's yours for life. No wonder he's hiding from you. Your insecurity is driving you, and if you don't watch it, you're going to do something truly embarrassing.

Forget about chasing him back to whatever country he came from and find someone else to love. Next time, give the relationship at least six months before you get this emotionally devoted. You may not have known this man as well as you think. Perhaps he reinvented himself for you easily because he was away from those who know him best.

A man who swears on his mother's grave is suspect anyway. And one who tells you he's going to call and doesn't loses credibility. Even if you got this guy back some day, there's no guarantee he wouldn't leave abruptly again. Besides, who knows why his immigration application was turned down? You could have been with an international gangster or terrorist for all you know.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Unable to Commit

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am 24, my girlfriend is 25. We have been living together for over 2 years now. We have slipped into the domestic habits quite easily, mowing grass, digging gardens, etc. Our sex life has always been good, and still is. We still find each other a turn-on.

My problem is this: She has decided that it is time for engagement, and wants two children within 5 years. I am finding it difficult to deal with this. I want to say yes, but something seems to be wrong with me and I can't, even though I have never met anyone like her and can't imagine replacing her. I have repeatedly backed off, and she has given up on me to the extent that she is dating other men, though i don't think she has slept with them yet. I don't want to let go, but everytime I try to, I cannot buy that ring and make that proposal. I should say that while she has led a very full life, with disasters, a marriage at 18, leaving home at 16 and so on, I have been rather sheltered. I was a virgin when I met her, and I have never slept with anyone else.

She is a very strong personality, and daunting, but very rewarding to know. I fear that she is ready for the next stage in life, and deep down i am not - but I want to be! Should I plunge in? We have been in general, apart from the pressures due to my lack of committment, quite happy.

Dear Uncommitted,

From what you've told me about your girlfriend being a strong personality and having lots of life experience, I doubt if she's going to give in on her ideas about marriage and children. Also, after two years of domestic and sexual bliss, it's time for you to make a decision -- either get married or give her up.

Most men have a knee-jerk reaction to avoiding marriage and commitment, and you have one too, although you have no real reason. Your life together is good. If the sex is good, don't worry about your lack of experience. At this point, it would be difficult if not impossible to get caught up to your girlfriend experience-wise without risking your relationship. You really have nothing to lose, and many men have married their first loves.

The fact that your girlfriend has started seeing other men is a sign that she's serious about her timetable. If you find yourself unable to take the plunge, you will be left onshore when your girlfriend sails away with someone else. Most men, by the way, only realize how much they really wanted someone after they've lost her. So unless you can imagine living happily ever after without this woman in your life, I suggest you get a ring and get down on your knees fast. A strong-willed woman whose biological timeclock is ticking away is not to be trifled with.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

The Most Common Female Fantasy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Short and simple. My wife, Sheri, and I were introduced by mutual friends. I worked with the husband, she worked with the wife. 2 years later we were married. While dating, Sheri mentioned that she was interested in having sex with another woman, she said it was sort of a fantasy, but would have to either know the person real well or not at all. Last weekend we had the mutual friends over for dinner, after a few drinks Sheri tells me she would like to pick our friend's wife as a partner. Later that night she tells me, her and the friends wife are going to have sex next weekend. She wants me to participate, but not the friend's husband. I have a feeling that she would do this with or without me. This bothers me a little, I want to be there to share this moment, but I also do not want to interfere with these friendships. How is this done? Is it okay for them to do this without me or the friends husband? They have been married for 13 years. Sheri says the husband will let his wife, but not with me there. Please respond.

Dear Obliging Hubby,

Your wife's fantasy of having sex with another woman is one of the most common female fantasies of all, and many women have lived out this particular fantasy without turning gay or destroying their marriages.

Since your wife has had this fantasy for some time, and since she has a willing participant in your friend's wife, all you can do is agree. You have to agree to letting her have sex with the other woman without you or your buddy participating. Otherwise, you'll be forever remembered as having denied her and the other woman the opportunity to live out her fantasy.

When two women make love alone, the experience is always much different from making love with a man present. The girl-girl sex is usually more gentle and soft, and without the sense of urgency that men add to the situation.

Perhaps you and the other husband could go out for the evening, and/or treat the girls to a fancy hotel room. Be loving and supportive and don't get insecure over a sexual experiment. Most married women who try sex with another woman stay married to their husbands.

Also, there could be a bonus for you -- the next time you make love with your wife, you could find that she's attained a new level of sensuality from her encounter.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Submitting a Question to this column

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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