5/21/2000 Advice Column
Now she has informed me that on what was to be our second date she was sexually assualted by another man. I was supposed to pick her up at a party of which I never made. Therefor, her friend arranged for her to have a ride home from a stranger. The stranger said he did not know the way and took her to his place to make a phone call. This is where she stated he forced her to have sex with him. This charming girl has a way of dressing and acting very seductive. When I think back to the next day after this happened, I do not remember her being the lest bit disturbed by this event. However, now she says this is the reason for our never having made love. She feels ashamed of what has happened and now wants to wait to have sex. What should I do in this situation? Am I just being strung along her?
There may be some tiny truth in her story, but there is a lot more here that you don't know about. Instead of supposing that she was no longer needed as an au pair because she is so attractive, start by calling the family and finding out exactly why she is no longer employed there. Make some inquiries about this mysterious stranger/rapist (who may or not exist at all).
But most of all, you need to look at yourself. What are you getting out of being this young woman's total support, giving her a place to live, teaching her the language and helping with her schooling and education? Does it make you feel needed? Does it give you a sense of power? Does it make you feel entitled to sex from her as well?
Often men who give everything to a woman do it so that they will have power over her. Unfortunately, this is a slippery slope, and usually what happens is that when the woman gets enough education, she dumps the man for someone who appreciates the woman she's become. Looking for a needy woman is always dangerous. A needy women is often desperate and will often take any man whether she really likes him or not. She may even give him the impression that she likes him, and would have sex with him, if only she hadn't been raped.
If you really want to have a good relationship with this young lady, insist that she start helping herself. If she persists with this rape story, suggest that she see a rape counselor. To see if she cares about you and not what you can give her, insist that she get a job.
Better yet, if you really want a healthy relationship, find a woman who wants you for yourself and who doesn't need you to help her.
I understand they're not having an affair but actions like that could lead to something more, especially when alcohol is involved. My Fiancé says he feels uncomfortable when his friend's wife touches him. I have to wonder if it really bothers him at all since he hasn't told her or her husband that. I'm not saying they should change their values, just respect ours. I know it's hard when friends are involved (after all, he's known them a couple of years longer than me) but don't you think that my feelings should prioritize over theirs and if they were true friends they would understand. Without my Fiancé telling them how he feels, they must think he agrees that there is no problem. Please give me your advice on how to handle this & just how much I should put up with.
The fact that your fiancé doesn't see fit to tell his friend's wife to keep her hands to herself is a problem. He should be listening to your feelings and not so worried about someone else's feelings. He says he's worried about losing his best friend, but if the best friend is even just a good friend, he wouldn't want to upset your relationship. I suspect that your fiancé secretly finds it exciting and flattering that his buddy's wife can't keep her hands off him.
So what do you do? Obviously you don't have to put up with another woman's hands all over your husband-to-be. Tell your fiancé that if he can't bring himself to tell his friend's wife to keep her hands to herself, then you'll do it for him. Then the next time it happens, if he doesn't say anything, speak up. You have a voice. You're not tongue-tied. Don't let yourself be victimized over and over again without speaking up. There's a great book by Wayne Dyer called "Pulling Your Own Strings," about how not to let other people victimize you. I recommend you read it.
Of course your feelings should come first, but don't stand around whining and waiting for someone else to keep you from being a victim. Stand up for yourself or you'll find people taking advantage of you all the time.
I met this guy 7 months ago and after a month of seemingly blissful happiness, we argue and quarrel everyday. This has progressed to us physically fighting just, the other day. My feelings are that he is resentful of the fact that I am more educated than him. He moved in with me and he seems to resent this as well. He is always going on about the fact that I feel too educated for him and that I always make him feel he is living in my flat. I have done everything possible to please him even act dumb sometimes but this is getting us nowhere.
He feels women should always please there men, speak quietly, never go out of the house, never have friends and many more. We never go out even to watch a movie as he feels this is waste of money. I think I love him but I cannot go on like this anymore. I am 31 years old and I feel this is my last chance of meeting someone I can marry. But if this goes on I will go mad. I spend most of my time crying and I hate arguing. In myself I know I should leave him but I am afraid of being alone.
Please help me.
There are men who are capable of living with a woman who is more educated, who makes more money and who owns the flat, but he's not one of them. He's insecure and has low self-esteem and he's blaming you for his feelings of inadequacy.
Stop doing everything possible to please him. Stop acting dumb. Instead, find a man who is pleased by your brains and doesn't find your education threatening. Just because you think you love this man doesn't mean you should let him control your life. A man who doesn't want you to have friends is trying to make sure he controls your life. Don't be a fool.
This is not your last chance to find love. You're not that old. You're at a great age to find a terrific man, so don't waste another minute trying to make this pathetic relationship work. You can't spend your life with this guy, crying, arguing and fighting.
Being afraid of being alone is not a good reason to stay in a relationship. Being with someone who makes you miserable is much worse than being alone, I promise you.
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