"Ask Dr. Tracy"

5/31/98 Advice Column


Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 39 year old male and have a fettish for wearing panties that just won't quit. I have always liked them since I was little. My wife thinks that it is kind of strange for me to like wearing womans panties. Depending on her mood she usually doesn't care if I wear them. I don't wear them all the time but when I do it keeps me feeling comfortable and a little excited. I wish I could have more than just a few pairs to switch with. She seems to have a problem with this and I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to upset her but she doesn't understand my disire to do this. I am not in anyway bysexual or have any disire to cross dress but like to masterbate in them and even have sex with her in them. I love to have her watch me do that when she doesn't feel like having sex at the time.

I would never be unfaithful to her, this is what I enjoy, she knows that. On occasion she makes a comment that I should give up my fettish and I have a problem with that. what should I do? Is this normal? should I seek proffesional guidence or should I keep trying to convince her that I really like this?

Sincerely, Confused

Dear Confused,

So you have an attraction for panties. Lots of guys do. Big deal.

You're an adult and you're entitled to wear panties if you can't live without them. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you get to control their behavior, and your wife doesn't get to control yours. Which works both ways. Don't expect her to share your love for the panty thing. In fact, she could decide that she doesn't want to have sex with you wearing the panties; if so, that's her right and you will have to respect it.

Basically, since this bothers your wife, you'll have to work it out with her. I see nothing wrong with your having all the panties you want, but then, I don't live with you. Make peace with your wife and continue to be a terrific husband, and she'll probably put up with your panty fetish. Just try not to throw your panties in her face so to speak. Be sure to buy her something nice when you buy yourself your panties. That way she'll have some positive feeling connected to your addiction.

Professional therapy is always a learning experience and I recommend it highly to couples. However, unless you're bothered by your panty fetish and really want to change it, I suspect your going to therapy alone won't do a bit of good. You may gain some insight into why you like panties, but curing yourself of the attraction would take hard work. Like any addiction, you have to want to stop.

Sounds like you're not going to give up your fetish. So the easiest way to deal with this is for you both to simply accept the fact that you're just not a Jockey-shorts type guy.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Hello, do you have any ideas on how to leave your lover? ;-) Donna and I have been living together for 4+ years and we agree that weíd be happier living apart but thereís always some holdup that prevents her from moving out of my condo. Iíve offered to pay for her moving expenses and her 1st monthís rent and a few of her boyfriends offered to help her out before they disappeared. Sheís made promises to move in 30 days but did nothing to find a place. This has been going on for over 2 years now so what can I do? Do I need a court order? Can I just call the cops and have them give her the bumís rush? If I force her out she may lose her temper and damage my home or car but if itís the only way to resolve this Iíll try it. Thanks,

Dear Roomie,

What are you thinking? This is your condo. Get a grip. Tell her this is her last month and then don't wait for her to find a place to move to. You want her out. She doesn't want to leave. So you find her a place that rents by the month, rent it, call the movers and move her in. Change the locks on your condo. The worst that could happen is that you'd be stuck for her first and last months rent, moving expenses and deposits. Believe me, you'll be better off than if you had called the cops.

Leaving your lover is never easy and if you and Donna have been living together for more than four years, there's going to be some grief when you break up. That's just the way it is. So be a big boy, bite the bullet, and do what has to be done. Don't expect the courts or the police to clean up the mess you are in. It's your mess and you need to fix it.

Then, if she loses her temper and causes damage, you can decide to take court action or not. That's a separate issue. On the other hand, you may be so happy to get your life and your condo back, that the damage will seem like a small price to pay.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have searched your Love Library and previous columns for an answer to this situation but can't find anything similar to mine. My boyfriend of almost three years has NO libido. If we ever have sex, it's because I initiate it. Then I'm always on top doing ALL of the work. He just lays there like a bump on a log. He admits that he has no desire for sex, but to hear him talk to his friends, he has a normal libido. I can't figure it out, He is only 39 and outwardly appears very virile with extremely good looks and a very muscular body. He denies having other girl friends, but I know other women call him on occasion. What do you think is going on with him? I've tried to set the ambiance, turn him on with various methods and get nothing. Sometimes he will even turn down my invititations when he has an erection. Is he warped or what? I've reached the end of my rope because of the almost constant rejection and I don't even try anymore. What should I do?

Dear Reached the End of Her Rope,

Of course you're at the end of your rope. Dump this guy immediately or buy yourself a lifetime supply of vibrators. At 39 he shouldn't be over the hill sexually, and in denial. He knows he's a sexual no show and if you stay with him, believe me, you will soon start to think it's your fault -- that you're not sexy enough, thin enough, or good enough. The constant rejection will make you feel awful and you'll wind up depressed and miserable.

There are guys with good looks and muscles and even brains too who have no sex drive. They never become highly sexual, it's just not in their makeup.

You'll always have to be watching and waiting for that moment when he has an erection and you'll have to be ready to jump on it quick before it goes down. And he'll only get worse, not better. The only solution really if you're hot and he's not is to get another man. Unsexy men don't become sexy. I promise you. He'd need therapy and maybe medication, but most likely won't do either becase he's in denial.

There are lots of men out there who'd be happy to have a sexy lady like you. If you want to have sex, get a sexy guy.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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