Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

7/29/2001

Less Than Perfect Marriage Proposal
Big Beautiful Love
The Flighty Princess



Less Than Perfect Marriage Proposal

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 29-year old female who is engaged to a man I have dated for 4 years. My question is about how I can get over the fact that the "proposal" was so damn unromantic.

I had been ready to marry earlier than he was, and during the period I wanted to but he did not want to marry, we would have fights about why he wasn't proposing, why he didn't want to marry me. I think we had a fight like that once every few months.

Until one day, as we were having another familiar fight about how upset I was that he not proposing (I had moved to another country to be with him, had sacrificed a lot with nothing guaranteed), he confessed that he had been looking for a ring these past few weeks and that it was a matter of days that he was actually going to propose. He was telling the truth. A friend of his later told me he had asked her where he could get good engagement rings.

So, it was like he proposed while we were having a fight, while I was mad at him. This is not the kind of proposal I had dreamed of. My fiancee says he is sorry that things turned out that way, that he wasn't able to make the moment more memorable. He said I should have just said no when he proposed while I was angry. That way, he could propose again more properly.

But, the milk is spilt. What should have been a special moment is an embarassment. When people ask us how he proposed, I want to hide. I wish we had a really cool story to tell.

I guess I am being pretty petty, since I should just be happy that I am engaged to a man I have loved for a long time. It helps to see that my finacee seems to be happy that we are engaged. But still, I am somewhat sad. How do you think I can get over this?

Dear Ready To Marry,

You say you were ready to marry before your boyfriend was, but now that you're engaged, have the ring, have everything you wanted, you're not happy with how you got it. You need to take a "time out" and think about your priorities and goals.

Wasn't your goal to get married to this man? Aren't you about to get what you always wanted, what you moved to another country for? So why can't you be happy? Hardly anybody gets their fantasy marriage proposal. In your case, after repeatedly fighting about this, you should count yourself lucky to have gotten any kind of proposal at all. The fighting could have easily scared him off.

So instead of fussing about not having your fantasy, think about your goal, which is to be married. Keep focused on the wonderful life you and your fiance can build together and stop being negative. Forget the past. There's nothing you can do about it. By dwelling on the fact that you didn't get the fantasy proposal, you're allowing the past to ruin what should be the happiest time of your life. Instead of enjoying being engaged, you're thinking about what you didn't get.

Isn't it amazing how we can all recite everything we didn't get, but hardly anybody can appreciate what they do have. Stop beating up your fiance for not giving you the "right" kind of proposal. He's not responsible for making all your dreams come true. Instead, love him and be happy with him. Perhaps you are so used to fighting with him that you can't give up the fights. Your fighting worries me. Don't let it become a pattern in your relationship.

Life hardly ever works out to be like we dreamed it would be. So you didn't get your dream proposal. So what? It doesn't mean that your marriage will be any less happy. If people ask how he proposed, simply tell them it was wonderful and made you very happy. If they press you for details, tell them it's private.

You are being petty. You can simply decide to put this behind you and get on with your life. That's how you can get over it. Just do it. This is no big deal.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Big Beautiful Love

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Hello Dr. Tracy, I'm 23 years old and I'm a single mother of a gorgeous 2 year old boy. I am confused about my life. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, and my son with out a father. I'm timid when it comes to socializing with strangers. I've tried approaching men, have tried to get to know them, have tried to ask for a date, and have also tried sitting back waiting for someone to come to me. The more I sit back, the longer I fear I will wait.

I'm a big girl. Men don't seem to like big women, at least none of the men that I have met. Every guy I've ever tried to approach either became a good friend, brushed me off completely due to my size or just laughed in my face at the thought of my interest/affection. I've come to realize and accept that I am big, and that I am also pretty. It took a very long time for me to admit to myself that I actually was pretty. But I can do that now. Being pretty is obviously not enough. If I had the body to go with the face I probably couldn't keep the men away. But I don't. I have a lot of qualities, a lot to offer someone who would be interested... But I'm at the point where I am not going to completely "morph" my body into something (that I desperately want to be) just to make someone fall in love with me. This is me and this is part of who I am.

I want someone to see me, get to know me, come to accept me, and hopefully fall in love with me. If that could happen then I would lose the weight instantly. I have in the past, out of pure love for someone. And I can do it again. I don't know, this whole thing isn't entirely a weight issue. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong, I can't deal with the rejection I am faced with when asking someone out and then getting brutally turned away. I won't do it anymore. But if I could just find someone, if I could just do something to get someone attracted to me, I don't know what.. but I would try it. I recently lost 15 lbs. in an effort to lose it all, to reach my goal of finding love. But then it dawned on me that someone should accept me for who I am completely, and THEN I will take care of it.

I have so much love to offer someone. I'm very giving, and trust worthy, and honest, compassionate. I've got so much love built up inside me,.. it's boiling over and I've got no where to release it. My emotions and feelings are reserved for that special someone. There has got to be someone out there for me, I just don't know who, or when, or where? My son is the result of an online relationship gone completely wrong. And to him (my baby) I'm terribly sorry. Now it's my duty for him to find him a loving father, and for myself a loving husband. I want to skip all the dating stuff and go straight to marriage, I have no life, no social life anyhow, I can't go out to "dating scenes" and meet people. And if I could I'd probably be the only fat lady in the "house".

I've got a good personality and I'm highly active regardless of my weight. And most of my activities are outdoors types. There's so much I want to do with my life but I don't want to do it alone. I want to fulfill someone else's hopes and dreams and heart, as I want someone to fulfill mine.. What do I do? I can not bare to be alone for the rest of my life.. and most importantly I can't bare to let my son down. Please help me if you can. Or disregaurd this email, I have no money to pay you if you are able to answer this letter. But God bless you for those people you are able to help. Thanks for your time.

Dear Big Beautiful Woman,

There is no reason why you have to spend the rest of your life alone just because you are a large-sized woman. Unfortunately, you are looking for love in all the wrong places with all the wrong men.

Why don't you look for a man who likes big women? There are lots of men out there who don't like thin women, whose idea of sexy means plump, even fat. So instead of aproaching men who want a thin woman and being rebuffed and hurt, look for a man who will love you for what you have to offer, not for how thin you are.

I know you had a bad experience with an online relationship, but don't let that create a mental block. Every relationship is different, online or offline. And you now know some of the pitfalls of Internet dating, so put your experience to use. Do a search on Google.com or one of the other search engines for "big women dating" or just "big women." You'll be amazed at all the sites that are out there that are just for men and women who are larger or men who are turned on by large size women. Being pretty will be just fine with them, and they will adore your body just the way it is.

You say that you have lost weight in the past out of pure love for someone. The best way to lose weight is out of pure love for yourself. The reason you gained the weight back and didn't really succeed in losing, either then or now, although 15 pounds is an accomplishment, is that you are doing it for others, not for yourself.

Your losing weight has nothing to do with whether someone else loves you. It has everything to do with you loving yourself. If you care for yourself and for your son, then you will lose the weight for your health so that you can be around for a long time to love your son.

Perhaps if you found someone who loves you the way you are, then you will begin to love yourself enough to decide to take the weight off. For right now, the way to find love is to put yourself out there as fat and happy and ready to date.

Don't think you can skip dating and go right to marriage. That's absolutely the worst thing you could do. Dating is an important prelude to marriage. You need to date to find out if the man is someone you could spend your life with. Besides, you owe it to yourself to enjoy the whole courting process with a man who things you're beautiful just the way you are.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



The Flighty Princess

Dear Dr. Tracy,

One of the greatest and worst thing has happen to me in the last month. I had met someone through an online personals ad and quickly, our love for each other grew. At least, certainly my love her her. She was beautiful, graceful, intelligent, and warm. She was a Princess.

We started seeing each other a lot and about two weeks into it, we've made a committment to be steady boyfriend and girlfriend. One night, while I was on my way back from a business trip she asked if I wanted her to come over. I was surprised since I wasn't going to be home until about midnight, but I told her I do. She came over and as we were cuddling, she giggled. I asked her what was on her mind and she told me that she was on the phone with one of her good friends the night before and expressed how much she was missing me. Her friend asked her "You are in love aren't you?". She looked up at me and said "I do love you William." for the very first time. My heart melted and I felt a feeling never felt before. I told her that I loved her too.

Everything was going well with our relationship until our first months aniversary. I wrote her a poem and she cried when you received it and told me that she loved me. The next day was Saturday and we were suppose to spend time together. She had stayed at a friends house the night before and was suppose to call me to get together. She didn't call me until about 12PM and told me that she was having breakfast and would call me back. I didn't hear from her for another hour and decided to call her. She said that she doesn't know what was going on yet and that she was still with her friends. She has to go with their schedule because she wasn't the one driving and that she would call me once she knew what was going on. I waited patiently at home until about 3:30PM and couldn't handle it anymore. I was a little bit upset and called her once more. This time I noticed her sobbing. She said that she's been thinking a lot and needs to think some more. I asked her if she is still coming over. She said yes and that she'll call me in 20 minutes.

After 20 minutes, my phone rang and it was her... still sobbing. I asked her what was going on and she told me that she cares about me but is really confused and needs some time to think and be away from me. I begged her to differ, and not let us go because of fear of love. She said that she thought she wanted to be in a relationship, but now realized that she wasn't ready for one of this type. I was devistated and asked her if we could at least talk about this in person. She said that she can't and told me that we are no longer one. I asked her to tell me that she doesn't love me so that it will help me overcome. She couldn't. She told me that she had to go and asked if I wanted her to call me later. I said Yes.

The next few hours were the worst moments of my life. I drove over to her house but there was no one there. After getting back home, I tried everything to keep my mind of it, calling friends, playing game, sleeping, etc.. only to fail. I drove over there once more without any luck and decided to go visit my mom so I wouldn't be by myself.

Later that night, about 9PM, my phone rang once again and it was her. She asked if I was okay. In my mind, I quickly decided that I should be okay and hope for the best. I told her that I was okay and hope that she was feeling better. She said that she is still sad. She said sorry for doing this to me and even said that she misses me. I told her that she knows who I am, where I live, my phone number, my email address, and most importantly, that I loved her and care for her. And that I would give her time and I'll be here if she needed me. We parted good-bye.

I went home later that night in misery. I tried to sleep but couldn't. As hard as I tried not to, I picked up my phone and called her. She asked me if I called to say goodnight, and I answer "yes". She answered and said that she couldn't really talk cause she is on her way to a party with her friends. She told me that she would call me sometimes tomorrow.

It's 5AM right now and yes I'm awake. I had two hours of sleep last night and could not think of anything but my Princess. I don't know whether to stay strong and avoid her or to run to her and fight for my love. I had always been a strong person emotionally until now. What does she really want? Is there any hope? Does she want me to come beg to gives us a chance and let our love grow or will that only scare her away further? What should a prince do to keep his dear princess?

Dear Prince,

You made the worst mistake of all with your princess. You fell in love too quickly. You allowed yourself to be rushed into this relationship and burned it out in just a month.

Relationships are meant to grow and be nurtured over a period of time. It should take at least 3 - 6 months to fall in love. Even if you think you're falling in love faster, you should take it slowly and never ever start saying the "I love you's" until you've been dating for at least 3 months. When the princess said she loved you, that wasn't a cue for your heart to melt, it was a signal for your head to say "Uh-oh. Too soon. Something's wrong here." You see, people who fall in love too fast also fall out of love too fast. You should have told her something like, "I have strong feelings for you, too, but we've only known each other for a few weeks. Let's keep going and see if it's really love."

Instead of hearing alarm bells, you allowed yourself to be trapped into saying "I love you" too soon. Once you've said the "L word," then where do you go from there? The idea is to wait to say the words, to build up to it slowly.

You also overwhelmed your princess with too much time together, too many phone calls, and too much of you too quickly. So now, don't call her, don't email her, don't drive by her house or talk to her friends. The best thing for you to do is avoid her totally. It's possible that she will miss you so much that she will want you back. If that happens, then you should take it slowly. Let your love grow for a few months until it gets back to where it was and maybe surpasses that point.

The last thing you should do is go to her and beg. Men who beg for love are a huge turn-off. A woman, even a princess, wants a man who is a little hard to get, a man whom other women want, someone they are afraid of losing. A woman wants a prize, not a beggar.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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