8/10/97 Advice Column
Wanting a reason
The problem is that if you keep insisting that this boy give you a reason, he's going to start avoiding you. He may not know the reason why, or he might know and not want to tell you because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. In any case, if you keep insisting that he tell you why, you're going to ruin your friendship.
Sometimes things happen in life and we just have to survive without ever knowing the reason.
If you can date other guys and just maintain your friendship with him despite what he said, I'd suggest you do exactly that, and never mention going out again. My guess is that sooner or later, he'll volunteer to you, as a buddy, why he told you that -- but only if you let him bring up the subject, and that may take years.
Good luck, Dr. Tracy
The important question here is your self-respect and how damaged it'll become if you stay in a relationship where your partner obviously has so little respect for you. A woman who stands you up, doesn't call when she says she will, and spends the night with her ex doesn't deserve a nice guy like you.
Break up with her like you said you would. Of course that's the wisest decision; there's nothing else you can do. If you stay with her, she's sure to treat you even worse in the future. Your self-esteem will be destroyed and she'll continue to walk all over you. Do yourself a favor and read "When To Get Out" in my Library.
Finally, stop sitting by the phone waiting for her to call. You're suffering while she's out having fun. That makes no sense at all. Go out and find a new girlfriend and don't put up with that kind of bad behavior ever again. When you let a woman get away with standing you up, you don't do yourself any good. She just thinks, "Oh well, he's a wuss, I can do whatever I want with him." Women are always turned off by men they don't respect.
Wishing you a better love,
Basically, he has been postponing our marriage for years. When I ask him does he want to marry me, he says that he does, he just can't give me a date. We had decided to get married before all of our friends, and now our friends have all married, and we still have not. I am tired of waiting around for a man who doesn't seem to know when he can committ to marriage. I truly have invested a lot of years with this man, and we have grown together, and I love him deeply. What should I do?
You may actually have to leave him and cut him out of your life to make him realize you mean business. This is no longer an issue of whether you have a ring or not, it's about your life and whether you're going to actually have one or spend it waiting for this turkey.
Forget about the ring. It's not important. What is important is that you get married, immediately. You could even forget the big wedding and just elope. You could go to the Justice of the Peace on your lunch hour. Rings and big weddings don't make a marriage, commitment does. You've been settling for excuses for too long. It's time to take your life into your own hands and do something instead of waiting around for him to get his act together.
If you leave him, he'll be shocked, and he'll realize how lonely life is without you. If you don't, he'll continue with excuses until you're old and gray and life has passed you by.
Make a stand!
Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"
If you can't find your answer in the Library and you feel you MUST have an answer, you can get a personal answer from Dr. Tracy within 48 hours by availing yourself of her inexpensive private counseling.