"Ask Dr. Tracy"

6/18/2000 Advice Column

Pearls Before Swine
Wants To Share His Wife
Is She Interested in More?

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 20 year old single woman. Approximately six months ago I met an incredible guy. We travelled to work together on the same train, meaning we spent many hours together. We shared the same beliefs, morals, similar backgrounds and had a lot of fun. Our relationship evolved to the point that we were clearly very close friends. It was as if fate had brought us together.

After approximately 6 weeks of knowing him I made a small move. I told him that I enjoyed his company and asked if we could spend a bit more time together. He told me that we could, but only as friends, as he was "pursuing" another girl. I was quite upset, but I allowed our friendship to continue as I cared so deeply for him.

One day I discovered that he was no longer "pursuing" this girl. We continued to be friends, he even wrote me a beautiful letter about our friendship, outlining how much our friendship meant to him.

I then once again, asked him for something more and he declined. We had a long talk and he simply told me that in order for him to be in a relationship it has to be "all chemistry" and nothing else. He went on to say that true love in his mind is love at first sight.

He is 7 years older than me. I do not have a problem with this as I know that it makes little differences to my emotions. I also feel that 7 years difference is insignificant, it is quite common to have an age difference in any relationship. However he thinks that the age gap is great. He continues to keep telling me about life and saying that he has had more experiences, but at the same time I very often give him advice.

Despite the age difference, I feel that we have a solid grounding for a relationship. I think that love is more important than intense passion as passion soon wears out. I feel however that both must exist. He feels however that he solely needs intense passion. I feel that he has displayed signs of attraction to me as I have seen the way he looks at me sometimes and some of the comments he makes also show this.

I really care for him. My love has been strong and has been growing for over six months. I can't get him out of my mind. I know that he has outlined how he feels, but I feel that he has made a bad choice.

I believe that he is overlooking something that could be special. Do you feel that my love will ever be reciprocated or should I try to move on, as hard as it may seem? Do you think that the age gap is a significant factor? I am sick of being on such a huge emotional rollercoaster. It is affecting every aspect of my life. I have never felt this way before

Dear Sick of the Rollercoaster,

If you're so sick of the emotional roller coaster you're on, you should simply get off. This man has told you absolutely, directly and without a doubt that he's not romantically interested in you. Have you ever heard the expression "Throwing pearls before swine?" Well that's what you're doing.

Take your precious love and give it to someone who wants it, who will appreciate it and who will reciprocate with love for you. You are reading way too much into a look. Just because you feel love for someone doesn't mean that that person feels love for you.

What part of "NO" don't you understand? He must be wondering the same thing. After he told you once he wasn't interested in you, didn't feel any "chemistry" with you, and didn't want a relationship, you insisted on asking him again. Again he told you "NO."

Now you still don't believe him. What he's saying is that you don't turn him on. He probably brought up the age difference just to be kind, and now you're fixating on it. The simple truth is that you just don't push his hot button for one reason or another.

One of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is trying to get someone to love them who isn't really hot for them. Making a relationship work is difficult enough when the chemistry is there, but without it, you're setting yourself up to fail. Instead of dwelling on this "relationship" with this man who only thinks you're fine to ride to work with, find someone who really wants to be with you.

Stop reading romance into every look he gives you or the things he says. If he tells you he doesn't want a romantic relationship with you, believe him. Some relationships are just not meant to be, and you shouldn't have to start off by selling yourself to a reluctant buyer. You should start with a man who adores you and wants you desperately. Not a man who obviously only wants to be friends.

You may be picking him to yearn for because wanting someone who isn't available is a good way to avoid a real relationship. If you really want love in your life, not just yearning for what you can't have, then choose a man who's available and wants you.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Anything you can do to help me understand the phenomenon of wanting to have your wife looked at, touched or made love to by someone else, would be fantastic! My wife Danielle is a true beauty and I know that somewhere inside her lives a sensual and sexual animal; I have seen glimpses of her over the past 10 yrs, usually after a little bit of alcohol or pot. It's like that's all it takes to crack open the door, so to speak. She has had a very negatively reinforced childhood, adolescense and even adulthood. "Only sluts wear that...black is for tramps..." , that sort of stuff. She's totally in love with me and for that I feel blessed....but.......NOTHING, and I mean nothing turns me on more than the idea of her being looked at, fondled or screwed by another man or men! What's up with that?! What weird kinda' history does this fantasy have. I know I'm not alone, I've read hundreds of accounts of the same thing. But what's it about? She lets me have my fantasy, watch videos, read magazines etc... but won't participate! I'd love to share this part of my sexuality with her. I've allowed her total freedom to do or be anything she wants and she wants to be a one man woman. Part of me thinks that she's afraid she'll like it too much and it might threaten our marriage; which is fabulous...except for the huge difference in sexual appetite and desires. Help!...What's it called? Where can I look for more info or sites or literature? What's a good way to bring it up! The idea of being able to watch her be doubly or triplely pleased is about to explode inside me. It seems , from a man's point of view, this would be a wife's dream come true. " You mean I can flirt with other men and let them touch me or whatever, right in front of you, and it's OK?!" It's too good to be true!!! Isn't it?

Dear Confused and Frustrated,

Let me get this straight. You married a beautiful but sexually uptight woman who thinks only tramps wear black and who won't watch sexually explicit films with you, and you want her to be fondled and screwed by one or more men while you watch? If so, you really have a screw loose and should get help. You have no more chance than an ice cube in hell of getting her to participate in your fantasies.

Your fantasies are fine, but you'll have to keep them just that, fantasies. Making love with more than one man is not for your one-man woman. You should consider yourself lucky that she makes love with you and let it go at that.

She's just not the type. Women who want more than one man and who live a sexually open lifestyle are more into sexuality in general than your wife. So forget the whole idea before you ruin your marriage.

So why do you want such a thing? There are several reasons. One is to brag, to show off to other men what a beautiful wife you have. Another is to feel your power and to show off to other men what power you have over her that you can give her to others just like that. Another reason could be your own repressed homosexual desires. You could subconsciously have the desire to make love to other men vicariously through her, thus safely maintaining your heterosexual status. Or it could just be for cheap thrills.

Whatever the reason, you're travelling down a slippery slope trying to involve your wife in sexual exploits that she definitely doesn't want to explore. If a woman isn't interested in multiple sexual partners, offering her that option isn't "too good to be true." It just makes her feel that you don't love her, that she isn't pleasing you and that you don't value her. It's called just plain stupid, and pushing her could indeed threaten your marriage.

As for alternative lifestyle groups, they are not interested in unwilling wives who are coerced by their husbands into participating with multiple partners.

If you want her to be doubly or triply pleased, then try harder yourself to please her. That's really your only option.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My question is I've been divorced for a couple of years and I was involved with someone also for a couple of years. So here is dilemma. My neighbor and friend for almost 30 years has been a widow for about two years. And we go out usually a couple of times month, or I go down to her house for a couple of drinks and we generally have a good time. Her kids and my kids grew up together, so we have always know each other (we're both in our 50's) and I would like to get serious with her but she still wears her wedding bands and still talks a lot about her late husband (he was my friend to). And I'm on the shy side so I'm afraid if she is not interested I'm going to be really embarrassed, because we see each other at different social situations. Is there any way I can get some clues whether she might be interested or not, without extending myself to far.

Dear Wants to Know,

Fair question. Unfortunately, there's no way to find out without extending yourself a little. There's only one certain way to tell if a woman's interested in having more than a friendship with you, and it's not by asking, it's by doing. You'll have to make a little move to move the relationship forward.

Invite her out for dinner at a romantic restaurant. Look into her eyes when you talk to her across the table. Show lots of interest in everything she's saying. Ask her questions about herself and her life. Then try holding her hand on the way out. Or casually put your arm around her. A woman who's interested won't pull away when you do such a thing. She'll show her interest by giving her silent consent to your physical moves.

You can also try mirroring her. Sit the way she sits. Use the words she uses. Pick up on her unconscious body rhythms, like the way she breathes. (Read "The Amazing Power of Mirroring" in my Library for more on this.) Then when you feel perfectly in sync with her, try leading her by changing the way you're sitting. See if she follows your lead and begins to mirror you. That's a good sign that you should take the relationship further.

If you're shy about talking to her about her or if she's reticent to talk about herself, then ask her what she thinks other widows want for their future. It's often easier to talk about others than yourself. If she says she thinks most widows would like to find a nice man to spend the rest of their lives with, you can assume she means she would too.

If she does pull away, or won't look you in the eye, those are good clues that she's not interested in you. Either way, you won't have lost much, and trying to hold a woman's hand certainly won't destroy a 30-year friendship.

As for her wedding ring, or talking about her husband, those are normal things a widow does. You shouldn't let that discourage you.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

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