"Ask Dr. Tracy"

6/16/96 Advice Column

Current (6/16/96) Column --
Will I Always be Kicked Around?,
Playing with Fire,
Why Can't I Have an Orgasm?

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a swedish girl aged 24 and i have a question for you. A little bit of background; I have been with the same boyfriend for almost 8 years, and I was the one who broke our relationship last april -95. He has always been very possesive asking me if i could ever be unfaithful and always controlling me when we were out clubbing, giving me the "evil eye" everytime I was talking to anyone.I4d had suspected that he had been fooling around and was given proof in like 1991, but still i felt that it had too be us two??

Until he started beeting me up.I told him that i was leaving him because i saw him kiss another girl. Then he kicked me lying down on the ground outside in the summer. He kicked me everywhere, and people were watching and they didn4t do a god damn thing. Some of them were actually friends of mine. But i believe they were afraid of him. I wasn4t. I screamed and kicked him back but it didn4t help. That was a hurtful and painful summer for me. And i have been putting up with this for almost 8 years, i think i am too young for this kind of experience. Last year i finally had it but it was soo hard for me to leave him. Now i am kind of proud of myself for doing so.

My question is; will this always happen to me, abusive relationships? and will i ever be able to trust anyone again? I don4t think so. Bye

Dear Swedish Girl,

I can certainly understand why you are afraid to trust a man after being abused for eight years. Since you are only 24, I assume you were with this guy from the time you were 16. In that case, don't blame yourself. A 16-year-old doesn't know any better.

But now that you're 24, you've learned some important lessons. Never let anyone raise a hand to you. Don't put up with possessiveness. Never let a man control you. Don't put up with infidelity.

Congratulations on having the strength to leave. Now that you're free of him, make a list of what you want in a relationship. Make another list of what you'll never put up with under any circumstances. Then, when you meet someone, make sure he has everything on the first list, and nothing on the second.

The danger is that you have learned to accept abuse as a part of love, and will feel that a man who doesn't abuse you doesn't really love you. Jealousy is not a sign of love, it's a signal that the jealous person is insecure.

Yes, you will trust again, but not in the same naive, "anything you say," "how high should I jump" way. You'll be stronger, and at the first sign of a man who's trying to dominate or abuse you, you'll leave. To help you identify the first signs of instability, read "Spotting the Crazies" in my Library.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I (the man) am married, my friend (the woman) is married. Neither one of us wants to upset our married relationships even though we are friends. There are many taboos associated with this situation and we've managed to keep all that may be wrong in check. However, something as simple as giving a gift (from me to her) has become a concern of mine. Her birthday is soon and I'd like to give her a small socially acceptable gift that shows that I care for her as a good friend. I'm stumped on what type of gift is reasonable and unreasonable. The simple answer would be no gift but I thought I'd seek your opinion just in case.

Dear Married Man,

You are playing with fire and unless you stop, someone's sure to get burned. Married men who want to stay happily married don't have serious, secret friendships with women other than their wives. And they don't buy gifts for women other than their wives without raising big red flags.

I can tell you from experience with clients: when a man gives a gift to other than his wife or girlfriend, the wife or girlfriend is going to go on the warpath. You don't seem to understand that it's not a matter of matter how "small" and "socially acceptable" the gift is; it's the principle of the thing: why are you giving gifts to another woman?

There is one thing you could do for your lady friend that would be socially acceptable. How about the four of you, you and your wife, her and her husband, having a dinner out? If there's ever a gift, it should come from you and your wife, or not at all.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 3 months now and we have a very active sex life, three or four times a week. We have tried different things like oral sex, female on top, in the shower, but I still am yet to have an orgasm.

During sex I have come close to having one numerous times but always it seems tat just before I do the feeling fades so I don't actually 'come'. I feel that I am relaxed whilst making love but could it be that I am worrying too much, or that I am unable to have an orgasm, or that I am not been excited in the right way? What would you suggest for me to try -- I am willing, and so is he, to try new things so we are open to any ideas. I am starting to feel that there is something wrong with me when I fail to have an orgasm and soon it may damage my boyfriends self esteem because guys are supposed to be very sensitive about making a woman have an orgasm. HELP!

Dear Waiting to Orgasm,

Instead of waiting for your boyfriend to help you have your orgasm, help yourself. You are responsible for your own orgasm, but unless you know how to give yourself one, you'll never be able to tell him what to do.

Spend some time alone with your finger and your vibrator and your favorite erotic stories. If you don't have any good "dirty" books, Nancy Friday's "Secret Garden" is a perfect starter.

Settle down in a quiet room or a cushy bubble bath. Put your favorite music on, think about the sexiest stud you can imagine, read your favorite sexy story, and masturbate yourself to orgasm. Experiment until you feel yourself come. Soon you'll discover exactly what motion and when is best for you, whether it's little circles, in's and out's or up's and down's.

If you don't already have one, buy a vibrator. Hitachi makes a great one. Plug it in, apply it gently to your clitoris, and enjoy. Do not use the vibrator in the tub or near water. Do use your vibrator in bed with your boyfriend. Encourage him to hold it just so while inserting his finger in your vagina. All this is foreplay and should come before intercourse. You could also use your vibrator during intercourse.

Fortunately, it seems you don't have to worry too much about your boyfriend's self-esteem. If you're having sex three of four ties a week, he's not yet in danger of being too sensitive over your lack of orgasms. Just follow my suggestions, read "Spicing Up Your Sex Life" in my Library, and the sex will get better for both of you.

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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