Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

8/26/2001

Can Psychics Predict Love?
Nice Guys (and Doormats) Finish Last
Response to 8/19 Column



Can Psychics Predict Love?

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Im 37 SWF, and throughout my life i have had two major heart breaks. One was my ex-husband (committed adultery) and the other more recent a net relationship. Both very good looking guys, which is the sort of person i go for.

After this last heartbreak I went to a physic who was very good and said that my granddad was helping me find happiness again as ive had some really painful times with regard to relationships. He also named the name of 'Alan' who would be very good for me.

Two months later I started chatting on the net to a man 'Tommy' and we got on well so we decided to meet. He had a lovely Irish accent which appealed to me. When we first met at the station, I nearly turned around and walked away. He was a lot older than I expected. 7 years older than me to be exact. He also had had some sort of surgery on his neck. Later to find out that he had Cancer 20 years ago. But just not the sort of good looking chap I tend to go for. Anyway, I carried on and we went out for a drink and a Pizza, after all we had got on well on the phone even to the point of heavy petting. Nice body.

We have been seeing eachother the past two weekends, took my son to the seaside, and to the park and they too get onwell. He sends me soppy emails stating he fancies me and includes me in his future. He has offered to help out with my decorating and getting my flat into shape. He has suggested I go back to Dublin for a holiday with my son (paid by him), and also talked about perhaps a holiday to Florida, also paid by him. He has said that he will always be there for me and is behind me 100% and will give me time as im not sure about my feelings for him yet. Ive been a single mum for two years now and the thought of having someone there to share things with is appealing. And I dont want to carry on because he is offering me gifts and holidays.

What shd I do.

From, Confused in London.

P.S. his real name is Alan.

Dear Believer,

I should start by telling you that even though people have said they thought my ability to get to the root of their love problems was psychic, that makes me uneasy. You see, I'm really not a big believer in psychics; they often tell people what they want to hear as opposed to what they need to hear.

However, believing can make it so. Because you believe in what this psychic has told you, you might be more open to this man, the predicted Alan, than you would be otherwise. Which might not be such a bad idea.

Your past choices of "very good looking guys" proved to be poor ones. That's because the very good looking guys also tend to be the ones who are most likely to break your heart. Those handsome hunks are spoiled. They've learned that they can treat a woman badly and she'll put up with their bad behavior. Great looking guys also tend to wander. Not so great looking guys have fewer temptations and tend to be more faithful.

Your Tommy, aka Alan, seems to be a nice guy who hasn't been spoiled by women who will put up with anything because he's good looking. His being 7 years older is not a big deal. If he's young in spirit, that's what counts. Also, his nice body can be his handsome part.

You really need to be with a different kind of man than you've been with before. There's nothing wrong with being with a man who treats you well and wants to be there for you. Stop looking for problems and enjoy what this man has to offer. Take it slowly and explore this developing relationship. Visit him in Dublin and find out more about his life. Then see how you fit into it.

The gifts and holidays don't mean anything; what's really important is that he says he will always be there for you and won't pressure you. All the presents in the world won't make you love a man, but your heart certainly should respond to being treated with tenderness and respect, being nurtured and emotionally supported, and feeling secure in a man's love for you.

Who knows, maybe the psychic was right, and I'll have to quit my crystal ball bashing.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Nice Guys (and Doormats) Finish Last

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 39yo divorced male. I started to see a woman 8 years younger than me about 6 mo. ago. At first it was all great, then she wanted to be just friends. As it turns out she had a friend from out of state that she wanted to pursue a relationship with, she was honest with me and told me her intentions. I should have gotten the hint then, but I fell in love with her and couldn't stand to loose her. So I am doing the friend thing, and do enjoy my time with her but I want more. She knows that I would do anything for her and sometimes I think I go a little overboard. I will drive her to the train so she can go see him and I will watch her dog for her when she is gone. We see each other and talk on the phone every day she is not with him.

He is moving to Hawaii in a week and I think that I may have a better chance with her once he is so far away. She has told me that she is not interested in a long distance relationship with him, and they have a few other pretty big walls in their way. She seems to think that it is OK to treat me like crap, as long as she is being honest. When she wants to be nice to me she is great to be around, but when she gets into these moods where she treats me poorly, I feel used and abused, but I stick around anyway. Always there for her to treat me as she wishes.

She is the queen of my world, I love her more than I have ever loved anyone before. I would do anything for her. For only the second time in my life I have found someone that I would give up my life for, I would literally give her my last breath if it meant that she could continue on. Unfortunately when I told her these things she told me that I am a weak person and that she wants a strong man who looks out for his own interests first. How can this be? Is she confused or am I?

Is there any thing that I can do to get her back or have I let her walk on me so much that she would rather have me for a doormat than a lover? My life is so empty without her, I can't imagine not having her in it. I think that I am such a poor person to be in a relationship with, sometimes I wonder if I will be by myself for ever. Do nice guys really finish last?

Sad in Seattle

Dear Sad in Seattle,

Of course you should have gotten out of this relationship when she first told you she was interested in someone else. That was your cue to say, "Okay, when you find out that you made a mistake, call me. And if you're lucky, I'll still be available and interested. If not, you will have missed your best opportunity for the love of your life." That's how a man with self-respect acts.

Since she knows you would do anything for her and will love her no matter what, she's indifferent and uninterested. Of course she's willing to accept your rides to the train to see her boyfriend or watching her dog for her when she is gone. But she will never treat you with respect and love until you respect and love yourself and demand the treatment that you deserve.

As long as she can treat you badly and you turn the other cheek and do even more nice things for her, then you are guilty of teaching her to treat you badly. She has no motivation to treat you any other way. If, on the other hand, she treated you badly and there were repercussions, like you refused to watch her dog or drive her to the station, she might learn that she has to be nice to you.

Being honest is no excuse for abusing someone and taking advantage of them. Unfortunately, human nature is such that we will take advantage of people as much as they will let us, and you haven't put a stop to her taking advantage of you. You almost beg her to treat you badly. If you were training a puppy, you wouldn't pet it when it messed in your living room, yet that is exactly what you are doing with this woman. You are being a fool and you are not acting in your own best interest.

You are kidding yourself if you think that just because this guy moved to Hawaii, she'll be available for you. She won't. She'll find a man who she can respect, not one she can walk all over. She's told you as much. Of course she wants a strong man who acts in his own self interest, who doesn't let her treat him like dirt, and who she can look up to.

You say this is the second time you've found someone you'd give up your life for. Well, if you continue to behave this way, you will find the third and fourth time as well. Your life will become an endless succession of relationship failures because you don't have the spine to stand up for yourself. A relationship is a lot like a negotiation. If you're not strong enough to walk away when you're not getting what you want, you'll never win. You must decide that your self-esteem and self-respect is more important than getting crumbs from a woman who treats you badly.

Nice guys only finish last if they act like doormats. Smart nice guys finish first. I recommend my book, "Manpower, How To Win The Woman You Want." You really need the information it contains.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Response to 8/19 Column

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I just wanted to write in and tell you how much I appreciated your 8/19/01 column, particularly the Wrong Way to Get a Man. I was in a very similar situation as that “Involved” woman, except I am married too. Luckily for me though I caught myself before things got too out of hand. My “boyfriend” (who’s married with 3 children) and I were intimate only twice during our 3 year friendship. And for most of our relationship it was sincere friendship. Only when I decided to give up on my marriage did I allow my friendship with the Married guy to go beyond “friendship”. I didn’t decide to quit my marriage because of my extra marital thing, my marriage has been unsatisfying for me for years (been married 7 years, thinking of divorce for 2 years).

After the intimacy episodes, which happened in May of this year, I completely fell in love with my married friend, and he fell in love with me too. We still love each other, but he can’t get out of his marriage. I didn’t do like the woman in “Involved”. Years ago when I was single I was someone’s “mistress” for a few months and I hated it. By the time I ran into this last affair I knew what to expect so I didn’t expect much. It hurts though. I wanted to do like that “Involved” woman, I wanted to call him all the time, and he wanted to call me too. I wanted him so badly and I sincerely believe that he wanted me just as much (probably even more now that I think of it); but the timing for us just wasn’t right. He’s stuck in a marriage that he can’t get out of anytime soon. Luckily for me my marriage is not so difficult to get out of, even though I do have one child with my husband, and I plan to be out of my husband's house by October of this year.

Even though I sort of did the “right” thing by not pursuing the affair with my married “friend” I still felt very down and depressed over the loss. I kept thinking “what if”. In my mind I kept blaming him for not having the balls to just pick up and leave his wife and kids if he was so unhappy with them. I had been searching through your columns since April of this year looking for someone's situation that was close to mine. Reading about that woman’s woes in your column just made me feel so much better. My situation could have easily gone sour like hers. I am so glad that both he and I had the strength to just let go of each other for the sake of the other. He let me go because he knew I didn’t want to be put in the role as Mistress again, I let him go because I knew that he didn’t want to have to leave his family.

It’s all over now, been over with my “friend” for just about three months. My marriage is over too, I will be out of the house October 1st. Needless to say this has been a very stressful year for me. I miss my friendship with the married guy more than I miss the relationship with my husband. And whenever I start feeling down or thinking “what if” about my “friend” I check out your column and think of what very well could have been with me. Thanks so much for your insights and sticking things like that in your column.

Dear Reader,

Thanks for writing. It's always gratifying to hear that someone has been helped by reading my column.

You were smart enough to stop before you were in as much trouble as the woman in the previous column. You were also smart enough to learn from and be reassured by someone else's experience.

If you've never been there, being the "other woman" can sound appealing in a naughty way - romance with no entanglement. The reality is that you are entangled -- and miserable. There are all those holidays when you're alone, and you're always playing second fiddle to his family.

You did the right thing by not pursuing the affair. Let it be a memory that you cherish and enjoy the happy ending.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




Submitting a Question to this column

Dr. Tracy regrets that it is simply impossible for her to answer all of the hundreds of questions submitted to this column each week. However, she does read every question, and tries to select the three which are of the most general interest to the visitors here.

Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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