"Ask Dr. Tracy"

8/24/97 Advice Column


Dear Dr. Tracy,

Is it true that when you are looking for someone it doesn't happen and when you're not looking for someone it happens? I'm single now after 6 months and think I'm ready for a new relationship, with good intentions. I've been through the denial, anger, depression and I'm still going through the acceptance with is normal after a 6.5 year relationship. I'm looking, but at the same token I don't want too look like I'm desperate. I'm sure you get the idea, but I don't know what to do at this point of my life. Any advice would be great. Thanks for listening.

Dear Looking,

Where did you get the idea that when you are looking, love doesn't happen? Not from this site. You apparently haven't read Are You Looking or Waiting? in my Love Library.

You wouldn't expect to find a great job by waiting around for it to happen and acting like you're not really looking. You wouldn't run any other part of your life by simply standing around wishing to accomplish your goals. So don't do it in the relationship area. Just because it has to do with love doesn't mean you can't help it along.

Get out, meet new people. Put the word out among friends and acquaintances that you're seriously interested in meeting someone. Network. Advertise. Join groups. Use your computer to try online matchmaking. Do everything you can to find the perfect person. Don't wait for an accident to happen. Go after what you want in life and get it now.

Happy hunting,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My name is Emma, from Indonesia. Far coutry right? I met Simon about 6 months ago. He have a girlfriend and I also have my own boyfried. He was so amazing, and we just can't avoid the chemestry so we did an affair.

We met behind our lovers back and spent so many quality times together. It was obvious that we loved each other so much. He treated me like no one ever treated me before and fun was our middle name.

The problem was, I drag myself into it too deep and I'm in love with him so much, even more then I love my true boyfriend. Even though it won't work between us (he have a girlfriend and he'll be gone to Nebraska by the end of this year) I just adore him and I'm willing to do anything for him.

I wasn't asking too much from him. We dated once a week and had REAL good times. He said that he enjoyed every second he spent with me and considered me as his girl too. A couple of months ago, he began to act strange. He didn't call, he avoid dates with thousands of reasons and often disconected his mobile phone. Usually, he'd be the one who called me in the middle of the night just to kissed me goodnight.

Suddely, after two months acting that way, he asked me out to watch a late night movie. And after we did, he started to talked. Yes, he decided that he couldn't go on with this affair anymore. A night before we met, he talked to his girlfriend all night. He told me that his girl was crying, and said how much she love him until it hurts her. His girl said that she just can't live without him and will wait for him forever until he finished his work at Nebraska.

Somehow, his girlfried's words struck him, and made him feel guilty. He realize that his girlfriend has already give him uncondition love, pure and honest. He also spotted me and my boyfriend when we were together and also realizing the fact that my boyfriend love me a lot. So he decided to end our affair and continue his live with his beloved girlfriend.

BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT! IT HURTS! I know that he's right but I just can't except the fact that it's over. After that awful night, I couldn't sleep. Everytime I close my eyes he shows up, smiling and waving at me. I know it sounds typical but I can't get rid off him from my thoughts.

I already open the 'Letting Go' article of yours but I can't find it helpfull. You advice me to stop seeing him but I can't because we both bandplayers who often go onstage at the same event. We live at the same city, we know each others buddies, and often bump at same places. You advice me to make a hate list, which is impossible. My memories with him are too lovely that it hurts. I can't hate him, I have no reason. He threated me (even at our broke up moment) so well. He said that It was hard for him because I'm special. But he ends it anyway nomatter how special I am. I know I should get over him because it's not fair for his or my true lovers. But ... I just don't know how. He's so beautiful and I've missed him too much ...

Dear Hurting,

Have you heard of Kharma in Indonesia? Perhaps you and your lover are getting yours in this very life. You betrayed those who loved you, you hurt innocent people, and you deserve exactly what you got! I feel sorry for the people you betrayed, not you.

Forget this man. Besides, the kind of affair you two had is best if it's over before reality sets in. If you'd stayed with him, and perhaps even moved back to Nebraska with him, how welcome do you think you'd be in his community where everyone would see you as an interloper who took him away from his hometown girlfriend? Believe me, you wouldn't be greeted with open arms.

Next time, don't take another woman's man, and don't betray your own. Perhaps your true boyfriend isn't giving you everything you need and you should look elsewhere. But do it honorably.

Get a grip. You haven't lost anything because he was never really yours.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My partner and I have lived together for 2 years. We both have children from previous marraiges. My boys are older where his girls are still quite young. The problem I have is that he tells me he will always put his children first. He sees them every second night and stays with them in his ex's house until they fall asleep, which sometimes can be midnight before he gets home. On top of that he spends all day every Saturday with them. He's a wonderfully caring father to them and very kind and supportive to me in other ways. I feel so restricted in my lifestyle though because he won't take a week end away or a holiday because he doesn't want to let them down. I have to do without. I have needs too. Recently, on the nights he is home he is lethargic and tired and I feel upset.

It has been very hard for me to adapt to. I didn't even get to meet them until long after we had moved in together because his wife wouldn't allow it. He had seperated from his wife long before meeting me but she won't let go and he plays along not wanting to upset the children.

Recently he was actually allowed to have the girls stay at our home and I couldn't believe what a door mat they make of him. Everything they asked him to do he did...right through the entire night. He got no sleep at all. They get everything they want.

I have questioned him about the necessity of these intense visits and often try to explain that I feel left out and even jealous of their relationship. This makes him angry and all he will say is he left his wife and not his children. He loves them and enjoys being with them. I love my children too and try to make things as good for them as I can. They are quite content so I'm having problems adjusting to young children who demand much more than my own ever did.

He says he loves me but these constant 'away days' are making me feel like a convenience and I don't feel I'm fun to be around anymore.

Dear Convenience,

If you feel like a convenience because of the way your guy feels about his kids, you're in trouble. He's not going to change and you'll either have to accept the way things are, or find someone else who'll put you first.

Not that I think he's doing the right thing. I really believe a man should put his partner/lover/wife ahead of everything, even his children to some extent, but this man never will. He's drawn a line in the sand over this and said he wouldn't budge. This is a battle you will never win, so I'd suggest you give up fighting over the kids and learn to live with them.

If you're no fun to be around, it's because you're not having any fun. Instead of worrying about him and his kids and how he's spending so much time with them, get out and have fun yourself. Get a life. Find something to do in the "away days" that truly gives you pleasure, then you won't resent them so much.

In blended families, it's always best if the women learn to coexist. Otherwise the man feels caught in the middle and constantly embattled. Work it out if you want to stay with him. This situation won't go away.

Dr. Tracy

Submitting a Question to this column

We regret that it isn't possible for Dr. Tracy to answer all of the hundreds of questions submitted to this column each week. Dr. Tracy selects the three questions which are of the most general interest to the visitors here.

Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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