"Ask Dr. Tracy"

7/9/2000 Advice Column

Good Vibrations
In Love With A Gay Guy
A Crazy-Maker

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I'm 41. In the last year left a previous 15 year relationship in New England. I loved my former partner, but we hadn't had sex in over 5 years.....long story, complete with counseling, but I decided to return to my homeland where I was raised, California after too many chilly New England nights.

Since being back in CA, I have gotten *in touch* with my lost sexuality again. I have learned to pleasure myself and have a few *favorite* vibes that help me to do just that. I also got involved with a former h.s. sweetheart, a man who has blossomed from a sweet boy into an incredibly sexy albeit semi-shy man. So far, so good. The dynamic he and I have is great...we laugh, we go to dinner, we go to art events, we go hiking, we love, we fool around and just are nutty. The sex is great. However, I find that I only climax approximately one out of every 4 times with him. (which is often, since we make love twice per day). I did find, during my *in touch* time that it only took turning that vibe on for a few minutes to climax every time.

So....here's the question...I'm afraid to introduce the vibe toys into our wonderful sex life. I'd like to climax every time, but I'm afraid that the introduction of the toy will hurt my lover's ego. What do you suggest....why mess with eden? am I expecting too much? Or would I be opening pandora's box by even mentioning that a vibe might enhance my (or our) pleasure. Sometimes after making love and not climaxing (not matter how much stimulation he gives me before and after, I find myself yearning for my toys and that *quick fix*). Do I have a toy addiction?

Dear "In Touch,"

Now that you've gotten "in touch" with your lost sexuality again and have pleasured yourself both with your sexy man and by yourself, there's no going back to half pleasure and no reason you should. Since you have learned to enjoy your sexual pleasure in more than one way, you're old enough and sophisticated enough to speak up about what you like.

Many women have unsatisfactory, or only half-satisfactory, sex lives because they're afraid to tell the men in their lives what they like. Just because your fella is shy, you don't have to be. He'd probably be thrilled to be able to help you have an orgasm every time.

If you've been able to climax every time with your vibrator, then by all means let your boyfriend know about it. Don't just mention the vibrator, give him a show-and-tell demonstration. Light the candles, bring out the lotions, plug your vibrator in or get fresh batteries and enjoy. Let him help with the vibrator. He may have some ideas of his own that you could explore -- and for all you know, he could have a whole chest of toys he's shy about bringing out. You may find that your vibrator toy and your boyfriend together make an even more pleasurable combination than either one of them alone. Many men enjoy a vibrator during intercourse as much as a woman does.

You're not expecting too much and you're not opening Pandora's box. You are two adults who deserve to enjoy every sex toy that adds to your mutual pleasure.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Hi, my name is Mary and I'm 18 years old. My boyfriend and I were together for over two years, I love him more than I love anyone else in my entire life. Suddenly, I started having this feeling that he wasn't very attracted to me anymore. When I confronted him about it, and after a 3.5 hour long discussion, he finally told me that he was gay.

Obviously it was a huge shock. I was also frustrated, because I felt as though he had been lying to me for years. He told me that he had only known for the last month or so, but I was still upset that he hadn't told me any sooner. We talked about it for a very long time. I figured that with a little bit of time, I could get over it---i could accept it. We both need each other, we've always been (above anything else) best friends.

But I'm still having such a hard time dealing with it, I'm not sure that our friendship can take it. I feel better when he's not around. When he is, i feel very cold and bitter, and I honestly do try not to be. I'm having such a hard time with this, I'm in so very much pain. I'm completely in love with a gay man.

And what makes it even harder is that he acts as though nothing has changed between us (aside from the obvious stuff like kissing, etc.). He is very happy. I'm glad that he's happy, but I'm in so much pain. I feel as though the last two years of my life were wasted. We could have become friends and just stayed that way. It makes it even harder that I can't tell the majority of my friends, because he's still in the closet about it, and isn't planning on coming out any time soon. Only his mother and I know, and he intends to keep it that way. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, and I hate lying to my friends (I value honesty above almost anything else).

I feel so alone. I know for a fact that he doesn't feel this way, he has adjusted to it very well and doens't feel any of the pain that I do. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my very best friend. But I dont' know where to draw the line between friendship and more than friendship (he still likes to flirt and all that stuff) and that makes me very cold towards him. He is the only boyfriend I've ever had---the only guy that has ever made me feel attractive. The only guy that has ever made me feel attractive and he ends up being gay. Our relationship is based on one big lie. I can't take this. I can't deal with this. I don't know if I'm still attracted to him; I I try not to be. I try to accept him, but when I look at him I feel disgusted. He was my very best friend. But now I feel as though he's a completely different person to me. Not because he's gay, but because he lied about it for so very long to me. He knew for quite some time, and yet still kept our relationship going. He still kissed me, he still cuddled with me. It makes me feel very cheap. I hate this, my head is spinning, I'm struggling to stay afloat here. He doesn't care, becuase he feels relieved that he finally told me. I'm in so much pain.

The more I try to accept this, the more I just can't. I feel so alone. Please help me. I don't know how, but if you can, please help me. Thanks.

Dear Shocked,

You have been betrayed and lied to, but your boyfriend has been conflicted and in pain too. Because he has decided to stay in the closet and continue living a lie, he will only become more and more involved in lies and misrepresentations. He may act happy, but he won't really feel good about himself until he is honest about who he is.

Now that everything is out in the open between you, consider yourself lucky to know about him before getting even more entangled. Many gay men marry and have children before confessing to their wives that they're really gay. I've heard from several distraught wives of gay men who are trying to live with husbands who have no interest in them at all except as a front.

Don't be this guy's front. If he wants to pretend he's straight, that's up to him, but you don't have to go along with it. As long as you allow him to come around and act as if everything's okay, you're going to get more and more angry and feel more and more betrayed. Stop pretending that your friendship is okay and accept the fact that for now, you will have to find a new best friend.

Since being honest is that important to you, let him know how angry you are. It's great that he's relieved after telling you, but that leaves you without a real boyfriend, and you need to get on with your life. Maybe in time you can be friends again with your gay boyfriend, but right now he's an ex-boyfriend, and you need time apart to recover.

You're young. Give yourself a chance and you will find someone else who will make you feel attractive and who you will be attracted to.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I don't know you at all, yet I am about to divulge personal information to you, without cause or reason. I have been together with a woman for a year and a half. Up until 6 months everything was great. Then came the hard times for me, unbeknownst to my girlfriend, that I was losing interest in our relationship. There was too much for me to handle, and it was'nt the ideal, noit ideal, maybe advatageous, relationship I was seeking. I was'nt happy, and now I feel it more than ever a year later. My girlfriend has been scared of me leaving her for a year now, I just know, don't ask why. And I feel like I may have to leave her because, she emits an aura of being scared, vulnerability, unsuredness, etc.. It almost annoys me sometime. And she does'nt give me personal space, I feel as if I have to push her away some times. Maybe that is what I have been trying to do all along. Whatever the case, I finally got the balls up to subtly (spelling?) say that I was not happy! She asked me if I wanted to break apart, and wanting to say yes, I said no, ofcourse not! Now, after I tell her I need time to think, she calls me back and tells me she is leaving from new jersey to come see me in philly, and is taking two days off from work, and saying she is going to a funeral, of a friend who died in a gruesome accident. She asks me if I don't want her to come, saying no, i mean yes and now, she is leaving to come here right now. I can't keep lying about how I feel, and I wish that I could break things apart, but still amend them. This is where i am confused, i don't want to hurt her, but she loves me alot more than I do her, what do I do!!!!!!!!!!

A confused and scared man on the brink of insanity,

Dear Confused and Scared,

You aren't just making yourself crazy, you're driving your girlfriend crazy too. The fact is that you're afraid to tell her that you have lost interest in the relationship. Instead, you are leading her on, letting her believe that the relationship is still strong.

She asks if you want to break up and you say "no" when you mean "yes." She asks if you want her to come visit you and you say "yes" when you mean "no." I think you want it both ways - a part of you likes feeling that she loves you more than you love her, and a part of you is annoyed because she acts dependent and needy.

Of course a woman senses when a man's having ambivalent feelings about the relationship, and she becomes insecure, scared, unsure and vulnerable - all the qualities that you claim annoy you. You don't really want her, but you don't want to be alone either. It's time for you to have some feelings for her instead of just for yourself. Simply tell her the truth. You're hurting her more by leading her on than you would be if you made a clean break. Since she annoys you, give her a chance to find someone who will love and appreciate her.

You're looking for the "ideal" relationship and I hope you'll find it. However, my advice for the future is to be sure you're comparing what you have -- with this woman or any woman -- to other real-world relationships and not to some fantasy "ideal" relationship that only exists in your imagination.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Submitting a Question to this column

Dr. Tracy regrets that it is simply impossible for her to answer all of the hundreds of questions submitted to this column each week. However, she does read every question, and tries to select the three which are of the most general interest to the visitors here.

Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"

If you can't find your answer in the Library and you feel you MUST have an answer, you can get a personal answer from Dr. Tracy within two business days by availing yourself of her inexpensive private counseling.

You may submit your question to Dr.Tracy's column by e-mail here. (Tips: to increase your chances of having your question chosen, state your age and your marital history, and remember to use paragraph breaks so that your question isn't just one big, hard-to-read clump of words. Also, questions in all caps won't be answered.)

(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
Return to "Ask Dr. Tracy" Home Page

© copyright 1995-2011 Tracy Cabot