7/9/2000 Advice Column
Since being back in CA, I have gotten *in touch* with my lost sexuality again. I have learned to pleasure myself and have a few *favorite* vibes that help me to do just that. I also got involved with a former h.s. sweetheart, a man who has blossomed from a sweet boy into an incredibly sexy albeit semi-shy man. So far, so good. The dynamic he and I have is great...we laugh, we go to dinner, we go to art events, we go hiking, we love, we fool around and just are nutty. The sex is great. However, I find that I only climax approximately one out of every 4 times with him. (which is often, since we make love twice per day). I did find, during my *in touch* time that it only took turning that vibe on for a few minutes to climax every time.
So....here's the question...I'm afraid to introduce the vibe toys into our wonderful sex life. I'd like to climax every time, but I'm afraid that the introduction of the toy will hurt my lover's ego. What do you suggest....why mess with eden? am I expecting too much? Or would I be opening pandora's box by even mentioning that a vibe might enhance my (or our) pleasure. Sometimes after making love and not climaxing (not matter how much stimulation he gives me before and after, I find myself yearning for my toys and that *quick fix*). Do I have a toy addiction?
Many women have unsatisfactory, or only half-satisfactory, sex lives because they're afraid to tell the men in their lives what they like. Just because your fella is shy, you don't have to be. He'd probably be thrilled to be able to help you have an orgasm every time.
If you've been able to climax every time with your vibrator, then by all means let your boyfriend know about it. Don't just mention the vibrator, give him a show-and-tell demonstration. Light the candles, bring out the lotions, plug your vibrator in or get fresh batteries and enjoy. Let him help with the vibrator. He may have some ideas of his own that you could explore -- and for all you know, he could have a whole chest of toys he's shy about bringing out. You may find that your vibrator toy and your boyfriend together make an even more pleasurable combination than either one of them alone. Many men enjoy a vibrator during intercourse as much as a woman does.
You're not expecting too much and you're not opening Pandora's box. You are two adults who deserve to enjoy every sex toy that adds to your mutual pleasure.
Obviously it was a huge shock. I was also frustrated, because I felt as though he had been lying to me for years. He told me that he had only known for the last month or so, but I was still upset that he hadn't told me any sooner. We talked about it for a very long time. I figured that with a little bit of time, I could get over it---i could accept it. We both need each other, we've always been (above anything else) best friends.
But I'm still having such a hard time dealing with it, I'm not sure that our friendship can take it. I feel better when he's not around. When he is, i feel very cold and bitter, and I honestly do try not to be. I'm having such a hard time with this, I'm in so very much pain. I'm completely in love with a gay man.
And what makes it even harder is that he acts as though nothing has changed between us (aside from the obvious stuff like kissing, etc.). He is very happy. I'm glad that he's happy, but I'm in so much pain. I feel as though the last two years of my life were wasted. We could have become friends and just stayed that way. It makes it even harder that I can't tell the majority of my friends, because he's still in the closet about it, and isn't planning on coming out any time soon. Only his mother and I know, and he intends to keep it that way. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, and I hate lying to my friends (I value honesty above almost anything else).
I feel so alone. I know for a fact that he doesn't feel this way, he has adjusted to it very well and doens't feel any of the pain that I do. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my very best friend. But I dont' know where to draw the line between friendship and more than friendship (he still likes to flirt and all that stuff) and that makes me very cold towards him. He is the only boyfriend I've ever had---the only guy that has ever made me feel attractive. The only guy that has ever made me feel attractive and he ends up being gay. Our relationship is based on one big lie. I can't take this. I can't deal with this. I don't know if I'm still attracted to him; I I try not to be. I try to accept him, but when I look at him I feel disgusted. He was my very best friend. But now I feel as though he's a completely different person to me. Not because he's gay, but because he lied about it for so very long to me. He knew for quite some time, and yet still kept our relationship going. He still kissed me, he still cuddled with me. It makes me feel very cheap. I hate this, my head is spinning, I'm struggling to stay afloat here. He doesn't care, becuase he feels relieved that he finally told me. I'm in so much pain.
The more I try to accept this, the more I just can't. I feel so alone. Please help me. I don't know how, but if you can, please help me. Thanks.
Now that everything is out in the open between you, consider yourself lucky to know about him before getting even more entangled. Many gay men marry and have children before confessing to their wives that they're really gay. I've heard from several distraught wives of gay men who are trying to live with husbands who have no interest in them at all except as a front.
Don't be this guy's front. If he wants to pretend he's straight, that's up to him, but you don't have to go along with it. As long as you allow him to come around and act as if everything's okay, you're going to get more and more angry and feel more and more betrayed. Stop pretending that your friendship is okay and accept the fact that for now, you will have to find a new best friend.
Since being honest is that important to you, let him know how angry you are. It's great that he's relieved after telling you, but that leaves you without a real boyfriend, and you need to get on with your life. Maybe in time you can be friends again with your gay boyfriend, but right now he's an ex-boyfriend, and you need time apart to recover.
You're young. Give yourself a chance and you will find someone else who will make you feel attractive and who you will be attracted to.
A confused and scared man on the brink of insanity,
She asks if you want to break up and you say "no" when you mean "yes." She asks if you want her to come visit you and you say "yes" when you mean "no." I think you want it both ways - a part of you likes feeling that she loves you more than you love her, and a part of you is annoyed because she acts dependent and needy.
Of course a woman senses when a man's having ambivalent feelings about the relationship, and she becomes insecure, scared, unsure and vulnerable - all the qualities that you claim annoy you. You don't really want her, but you don't want to be alone either. It's time for you to have some feelings for her instead of just for yourself. Simply tell her the truth. You're hurting her more by leading her on than you would be if you made a clean break. Since she annoys you, give her a chance to find someone who will love and appreciate her.
You're looking for the "ideal" relationship and I hope you'll find it. However, my advice for the future is to be sure you're comparing what you have -- with this woman or any woman -- to other real-world relationships and not to some fantasy "ideal" relationship that only exists in your imagination.
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