Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

10/9/2005

Baby Hunger
Men Who Can't/Won't Commit
Drama Queen



Baby Hunger

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am 30 years old, very attractive, but shy in terms of going out, and my man is 31. We have been dating long distance for 9 months now and intend to move and live together in the Cayman IsIands. He has his own business so works hard which I don't mind. I live in Britain right now and the British men hold no appeal to me hence why I looked on the internet. My man is from Holland where my roots are (my Dad is Dutch) and he is in character identical to my father who I have the highest respect for. I met him via the internet. We're perfect in terms of compatibility in our personalities but 4 things are a worry. He gambles occasionally (he says twice a month sometimes more sometimes less), takes a form of steroid occasionally (but is very health conscious), is an atheist, and does not want children. We have a beautiful complete honest way of speaking, he is very loyal to death to a person he loves when he has committed himself.

I know the list sounds daunting and bad because I am opposite -- ie want children, Catholic, health conscious, don't take risks with money. We talk about our differences with interest and respect each other despite them. He is a wonderful listener and gives his heart and soul to those he loves. He is ambitious and has a good heart and this is why I accept these things which I would not in another person when considering someone as boyfriend material. I am very fussy, but his character holds so much appeal to me I have overlooked these things.

I feel he may do things to make me happy if he fell in love with me completely given time and would consider his life more carefully. I don't mind the other things, only children makes me sad. I am 100% sure I want one day, and he does not want the responsibility. Would he change his mind for me? He seems sure he does not want children, but I still hold hope he will change his mind. My biological clock is ticking and I know I may need to give him up, but it is hard to. I intend if he does not work out to find an American in Cayman Islands, but my choice is limited being on an island. Your advice please.. he is a man I would be happy with if he wanted children too.

Many Thanks

Dear Wanna Be A Mom Some Day,

Right now what you have is strong desire to be a mother some day in the near future. As the years go by, that desire will become overwhelming and turn into a hunger that nothing but a baby will appease.

No matter how much you love this man, and even if he were perfect, which he is not, you would wind up making yourself and him unhappy over the issue of having children. So far, he has shown no real interest in you, except in a long-distance fantasy world where the two of you live happily ever after in the Cayman Islands.

Even if you did succeed in having a child with him, how would you raise the child? Catholic? Atheist? Would you be prepared to have your spouse gamble with money that you needed for your child? And if anything were to go wrong or the child would need extra attention for some reason or become inconvenient or interfere with your life, you can be sure he'll say something like, "I never wanted children in the first place."

If you were a different person, this might work. However, you and this man have different values and although you say he has a good heart, you also admit he hasn't yet given his heart to you. Knowing how different the two of you are, he'd be smart to hold back.

The other reality you should face is that just because a man falls in love with you and gives you his heart, doesn't mean he's going to change his mind on key issues. He'll still be an Athiest. He still won't want kids. Do you really want a reluctant father for your child, one who's just going along with it because he's pressured, or do you want a real father who wants to parent a child?

Your choice of man is so unlikely and your back-up plan of finding an American in the Cayman Islands is such a long shot that I'm wondering if you really want a committed relationship. Sometimes setting up impossible circumstances for how you will get marriage and children is another way of avoiding commitment yourself.

Having children is a lifelong commitment and not one to force on someone who really doesn't want any.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Men Who Can't/Won't Commit

Dear Dr. Tracy,

First off, thank you for your time. I just recently got out of my 3 year relationship with a man I am totally in love with. However throughout our relationship he cheated on several occasions so naturally we broke up but got back together. Anyway the reason for the break up this time is because he is just "not ready" (why it took 3 years to tell me that, I dont know). However we still talk everyday and when we get together we act like we are a couple and he still proclaims his love for me and tells me that I am the one he wants to marry and im "the one"

The only bad part is I feel like I he just keeps leading me on to basically nowhere, my question is do I continue to be his best friend or should we just not speak at all, which is what I have opted for on several occasions, but he just says "I'm throwing it all away" and gets really upset. So should I wait for him or we stop communicating and both go our separate ways and if it was meant to be then it will?? please help me, I am desperate for some advice.

Dear Waiting,

There seem to be lots of men just like yours. They get women to fall in love with them and then they just can't/won't take the next step.

Unfortunately, he may never be ready. However, he will tell you he loves you and that he wants to keep your friendship and that you shouldn't throw away what you have together. Big deal! All he's doing is keeping you from finding someone else.

As long as your heart is entangled with him, you aren't free to give your love to someone else. He knows that, and he doesn't want you to be happy with someone else, even though he's not going to make you happy.

By continuing to see him and acting like a couple, he gets everything he wants and you don't get what you want. What a lousy deal that is! If he really wants to marry you and really thinks you're "the one," only leaving him will get him to change his mind about being ready. Right now, he's playing you and he's winning.

So stop communicating with him. Let him know you're going to look for someone who is ready. Tell him not to call and not to write. If he does, don't answer. Date other men, whether you feel like it or not. It will help take your mind off him.

By doing this, you might find someone who is indeed ready. Meanwhile, if your guy gets ready, you can think about taking him back on your terms - that is, if he's ready to marry. Really though, he's a poor pick. He can't be faithful and he can't make up his mind. You deserve someone better.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Drama Queen

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am 25 years old and have been married for 4 months. I adore my husband. We dated 3 1/2 years before getting married. We were friends for 3 years before that. We know each other inside and out. I am very much in love with him. (He is also 25). What seems to be a bit of a problem is that we are very much like friends... I am not feeling this crazy passion for him-and I never really have. We have a good sex life, but it is definitely lacking the fire that I have had in the past. But it is also lacking the fighting and DRAMA of past relationship - a VERY good thing!

Anyway, about 2 months after getting engaged, I began getting very close to a co-worker. He is 30 and has been married 5 years-same wedding day as me. We were definitely flirtatious and we started developing crushes on each other. No big deal-perfectly normal, I think. I am VERY attracted to him and I know that he is very attracted to me. For awhile I thought it was just a physical thing. But as we spent more and more time together, we really began falling for each other. The strange thing is that it does not affect my relationship or my feelings toward my husband-that is a totally separate world (or so it seems).

The co-worker and I started hanging out after work and one night we made out. (This was still before I got married). It was amazing and we connect on every possible level-emotionally, physically, spiritually, you name it. We are so similar it is scary! We agree on everything and we share everything with each other-a deep connection. The day after we kissed, he found out his wife is pregnant. People at work also started talking about us that day and questioning our relationship. It was devastating-but for no good reason! I know he is married to her and I was about to get married, but it was a crushing blow nonetheless.

Even after that news, we continued to hang out and to get even closer. One night his wife was out of town and I slept over at his house and we slept together. Other than the guilt we both felt, it was the most amazing night of my life. Then we slept together another time before I got married. Summer came and I got married and he went out of town for 2 months. We did not talk or anything during that time-it hurt both of us, but we knew we had to back off.

When we came back to work, we hoped we would be past it. She is starting to show (she is due in a couple months) and I am now married and a newlywed. We thought the break would do us good. It did not. We are now at the point where we are in love with each other and can't stand to be apart. BUT-we still love our spouses very much and our feelings for each other do not affect those other lives we are living. Our physical relationship has continued a little when the opportunity presents itself, and we just can't seem to stop.

I REALLY need your help here. I need advice from a neutral 3rd party and I need to know how to proceed with this. I do not want to lose his friendship-it would kill me to have to cut all ties with him, but I don't want to hurt my husband or his wife and I don't want him to end up in a divorce with a newborn. What is the right path to take here? He and I can't seem to see it. PLEASE answer this letter. I am not sure what other routes I can take here. I am feeling like I am on the edge of a breakdown. I am completely torn between 2 men.

Thanks so much,

Dear Newlywed,

This is a very simple problem. You're married. He's married. You and he have no business together.

If you don't stop this affair, you will be discovered. His wife will find out and your husband will find out. You will damage lives, including his child, who will be hurt by the inevitable divorces. You could also wind up losing your job, since few employers want this kind of drama going on.

If you value your marriage and don't want a divorce, stop seeing this man. Get another job if you must, but call it off. You're really attracted to the drama and excitement of this illicit affair. You need to find something else exciting to do in your life. Take up sky diving if you must, but getting your life excitement this way, and risking ruining so many other lives, just isn't fair.

You and your lover must do the right thing. Just because somebody pushes your hot button doesn't give you the right to be with that person. Thinking it does is just plain wrong. You must realize how much more is at stake here than your sexual pleasure.

Take time to get closer to your own husband and leave this other woman's husband alone.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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