"Ask Dr. Tracy"

9/7/97 Advice Column


Dear Dr. Tracy,

I feel wierd writing you and telling a total stranger all about my problems, but none of my friends seem to be making any sense to me, and they are all telling me different things to do. My problem isn't even as important as anyone elses up in your library, but I was hoping that you could just solve my dilemma for me. here i go...............

I met a young man(billy) at the beginning of the summer, and we met at a basketball camp, we were both instructors, he plays for a college basketball team and so do I. Well, my friends kinda hooked us up, and it really didn't take us anywhere. He went his seperate way and I went mine. Well, then about 3 weeks later, my friend invited me to his house and billy was there......which was their plan. That was about a month and a half ago and I usually see him every friday night at this specific dance club, at a specific time, and we usually go back to his apartment and I spend the night there.

To me, having sex with someone is important, and everytime I have spent the night over there, I have said that I would not have sex, for the fact of my pride and my self respect. Well, now He's back in college and I am too, and I still talk to him every once and a while, but my problem is that I truly have feelings for him, and he has told me that he does not want a relationship......or a serious one. I feel awkward because I want something more.

This is about all I know:
1. he has a beautiful smile and charming green eyes
2. he doesn't want a serious relationship.
3. he only calls me every once in a while.
4. our colleges are only 30 mins. away from each other.
5. His friends call him a player.
6. I know he doesn't want me just for SEX! ( cause he hasn't gotten it yet.)
7. I try to keep my distance because I'm scared that I might get hurt.
8. I want him to say, " you have changed my mind about relationships, I'm all yours."
9. I know that he has to be interested in me, or we wouldn't see each other, or talk on occassions.
10. he is not seeing anyone else but me.
11. And I do not put any pressure on him at all about our 'whatever' relationship.

Well, my problem is that I don't like the feeling of me not knowing what to say to him, or not knowing how he feels, and not being able to tell him something without worrying that he will leave me or get scared about me moving to fast for him. Gosh, he makes my chest hurt when I think about him, and I get butterflies in my stomach when he kisses me, i know this isn't love, but I just don't know how to move it up alittle.

(and today is a friday, and I can't even see him because I'm leaving to go out of town, and I haven't even talked to him since tuesday............so he doesn't even know I won't be there at the club.)

Please, if you can help me in anyway, write back.

Dear Almost Heartbroken,

Fool around with this guy and get your heart broken. He says he doesn't want a relationship. Why can't you listen? His friends say he's a player? Why is that?

And most of all, what are you doing sleeping with a guy and not intending to have sex with him? Do not spend the night in a guy's apartment if you're not going to have sex with him.

Why don't you find a guy who wants what you want instead of chasing after one you hope to change?

In any case, not showing up one week will get his interest if anything will. I suspect he'll continue to be indifferent, though, since he's had every indication of your interest and not followed through by calling or seeing you.

Living without knowing the outcome of everything in life is part of our universe. Learn to live with uncertainty. Don't confess your feelings until you are more certain of his.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I met this girl who is my ideal woman. She is smart, beautiful, and career-minded. We went out a couple of times and the last time I saw her I had the urge to kiss her. Since she seems so perfect for me, I didn't want to screw things up, so I came out and asked "Do you mind?".

She said "Of course not" so I did, and it was wonderful. After a minute or so, she changed and seemed to be withdrawing, so I asked what was wrong. She said she wasn't ready for this, and she had to think. The next time we talked, I got "lets be friends for now".

I don't want to give up, and I don't want to push her away, so what do I do?

Dear Kisser,

When a woman tells you she "just wants to be friends," that's the kiss of death. That means she doesn't find you sexually attractive, you don't turn her on, you're not her type, you don't ring her bell, etc. etc. etc. Now you're welcome to be friends, but don't expect the friendship to turn into something more for a long time to come, maybe years, maybe never. In the meantime, practice your kissing with someone else, just to make sure. Besides, if it looks to her like another woman thinks you're sexy, she may reconsider you as a romantic possibility.

And next time, don't ask. If it's time to kiss, kiss.

Happy kissing,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 40 year old. I have been married to my wife for 10 years now. I have two boy 2 and 8. Over the last 5 years my wife and I have been slowly drifting apart. I feel like I am living with a roommate not a wife. I love her and my children and want to make this work but I have been living with someone who has been verbally abusing me. I have been telling her for years that it bothers me a great deal and it continues. I have had all 3 of her sisters and parents tell me "How can you let her talk to you like that, I would never have your patience to put up with it" I'm not perfect, I make mistakes but when I do I don't deserve to be spoken to like a child. She says she can't take it anymore. She won't ask me to leave and I don't have the guts to because I don't want to lose my children. Maybe I should just get an apartment and give her some time by herself to work it out. What do you think?

Dear Roommate,

Until you get some spine and stand up to your abusive wife, you're going to continue to suffer. Staying in a marriage for the sake of the children isn't going to make you or your wife happy. And unhappy parents make for unhappy kids. Of course, you don't want to start shouting and fighting back with her in front of the kids, and you don't want to lower yourself to her level by name-calling and making things worse. Instead, give her a "time out."

The next time your wife abuses you, leave the house and don't come back for several hours. Each time she gets out of control or nasty, leave for a longer time. If you must, move out. Perhaps if you're not there, your wife will appreciate you. Try to get her to go to counseling with you. When two people are drifting apart, they often need some outside help to turn their relationship around.

Stand up for yourself and walk away. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If you show you have self-esteem and won't allow anyone to treat you abusively, they'll be less likely to try. Read "Pulling Your Own Strings," by Wayne Dyer. It's a masterpiece in the field of assertion and how not to be a victim.

Don't be a weenie,

Dr. Tracy

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