Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

8/31/2003

Sex With An Ex
Telling A Friend That You Love Them
Wedding Interruptus



Sex With An Ex

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My exboyfriend who I was with for five years, dumped me, started dating right away, and later married someone 2 years later. I'm a 37 year old woman, never married, no kids.

Recently, he dropped by to say hello, but ended up having sex with me. I assumed that he was separated, but still tried to say no. Didn't seem to work. I found out later that he is still married.

When we were together, he told me that he would never cheat on the woman he marries. He had always come across like an angel. I later told him I was confused by his actions, and I asked him if he was unhappily married. He said no.

I'm shocked why he broke off our long-term commitment, only to later have sex with me during his "newlywed" period with someone else. What does this all mean? Does it imply that he really isn't happily married?

Confused!

Dear Confused,

This isnít really that mysterious. He had sex with you before and he liked it a lot. He was feeling horny and maybe his ego needed a boost, so he called you to see if he could still work his magic on you.

You say you assumed he was separated. That should have been the first thing you asked him when you got the chance. How hard is it to say, ďArenít you married?Ē Maybe you didnít ask him because you were afraid of the answer.

You tried to say no but it didnít work. What kind of a feeble excuse is that? You gave in and had sex with him. Now you are saying youíre confused by his actions. That leaves out something kind of important. What about feeling bad and taking responsibility for having sex with someone else's husband?

Sure itís shocking to be dumped by someone after five years, but that was two years ago and itís time for you to move on with your life.

His having sex with you means nothing about whether heís happily married or not, and you shouldnít read anything deeper into it. What it does mean is that heís a cheating husband, and you should be grateful that you didnít wind up marrying him and having him cheat on you with someone else.

Just because he didnít want to marry you doesnít mean that he didnít enjoy sex with you. He might even enjoy sex with you as much or even more than sex with his wife, but that doesnít mean heís going to break up his marriage and come back to you.

Be careful that you donít get sucked into being his ďother woman.Ē Youíre at an age where you need to find someone to spend your life with. Unless youíre comfortable being the other woman, and most women arenít, donít waste your time having sex with your ex or wondering whether heís happily married or not.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Telling A Friend That You Love Them

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 27 year male from texas, i have a problem which has affected me for the past three - four months. I am in love with my friend. We work in the same place. I met her about twelve months back and we have become really close friends. The problem is she already has a boy friend for four years .

As our friendship grew, i started to fall in love with her, and now i think she is the most ideal patner. I think she also has a liking for me (NOt 100% sure). She is very friendly with me and sometimes discusses her boyfriend with me. I feel she is happy with her boyfriend. I act normally with her, like friends, but i miss her if i dont see her for 2 days. i am deeply in love with her and this has been affecting me and i am not able to concentrate on other activities.

Please let me know weather i should propose to her, but i fear that i will lose her friendship (which i value very much ). Please let me know how to deal with this situation. I have never felt such a deep feeling for any girl in my life, i would like to marry her.

Dear In Love,

Just because a woman is your close friend, doesnít mean that she wants to become the love of your life. The fact that she tells you about her life and even discusses her boyfriend with you doesnít mean she has any romantic interest in you. She has given you absolutely no signal that she wants to have a love relationship with you.

To the contrary, it sounds like she is happy with her boyfriend and with you as a friend.

You absolutely, positively, should not propose to her or even tell her youíre in love with her. If you do, you will put a big wedge into the friendship relationship you have. You will make her uncomfortable. Sheíll think she should spend less, not more, time with you so that she doesnít give you the wrong idea about her feelings for you.

So telling her how you feel will ensure that you see less of her than you are now. And proposing to her would be off the wall. Sheíd think thereís something deeply wrong with you. You donít propose to a woman youíve been friends with. You propose to a woman who loves you and is in a longterm intimate relationship with you.

You think sheís your ideal partner, but thatís a fantasy, not reality. Being friends with someone doesnít mean you know what that person is like as a girlfriend or life partner. Ideal friends donít necessarily translate to ideal husbands and wives.

The best thing you can do is find someone else. You could just wait around and see if she breaks up with her boyfriend. If and when they are no longer a couple, there would be nothing wrong with your asking her out on a date, but chances are good that she has already put you into the ďfriend,Ē not ďboyfriendĒ category in her life. So even if she didnít have a boyfriend, the chemistry probably still wonít be there.

Keep in mind that a woman who wants a man as a boyfriend always gives him signals that sheís interested. She touches him, she takes every opportunity to hug or kiss him and she gives off lots of hints. Learn to read the signals.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Wedding Interruptus

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am 22 years old, never married. My "fiancee" is 28 years old and never been married. We have been together for a little over 2 years. We were dating 10 months when marriage came up, he bought me a ring and we set a date. Well that date has come and gone.

When we got engaged we had 15 months to plan the wedding, and we were both excited and looking forward to the big day. A month after we got engaged we moved in together, for the first few months everything was great. Then we started arguing more and learning new things about each other that were a bit surprising, nothing serious just surprising. We had been living together for 9 months when my uncle passed away, I told my fiancee he didn't have to take time off work to be with me or come to the funeral or anything. We were in serious financial trouble, and we could not afford it. On the morning of the funeral he dropped me off at my mother's house and in front of my mom he kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me.

Later that night my mom brought me home and to my surprise he had packed up his stuff and moved out on me. I was devastated!! He did not leave me a note or anything. I called him at his parents and told him that this was not right and I at least deserved a proper goodbye...he came over a few hours later, not really wanting to talk and basically telling me that the arguing was too much and it had to end...I pleaded with him, I cried and even begged a little, but he seemed to have made up his mind. Well later that night, he called me. He said he had thought about some of the things I said and wanted to talk. He came over the next day and we stayed up all day and night talking about our relationship, we vowed to make it work...two days later he moved back in. Everything was fine and we even decided to go through with the original wedding plans. Well about three months before the wedding, I had accomplished a lot of planning, and then one day he dropped the bomb again!! He said he didn't really think we should get married and we should postpone the wedding...I again, was devastated! But after talking about it and realizing that after all we had been through it was probably for the best. My family was confused but we just told everyone it was mutual and we weren't quite ready. Except for one problem...

I was ready, I knew with all my heart that I wanted to marry him. I even had my wedding gown already. He has never shown any other signs of fear of commitment. It seems I always come first before friends and things like that. We have days where we spend time together and we have days where we go and do our own thing...Everything seems great...except this major detail...some days I feel fine, others I feel sad and sick to my stomach...I feel as if I'm not good enough to become his wife, at least not yet.

Well, its been 7 months since we called off or "postponed" the wedding and things are looking up. He has mentioned marriage and kids again, but then always comes back with a quick "someday". But other days it still seems so far away. He says he'd rather be more financially secure, but I don't think thats a good enough excuse.

In 6 months we are planning a vacation, I have looked into wedding packages and I've got this sweet idea of proposing when we get there and then having a simple intimate ceremony, but I'm not sure if it is a good idea. If he says no it will ruin our vacation, but if he says yes I will be the happiest woman in the world. Do you think it would be a good idea to propose in this manner? Or maybe I should find someone else who really wants a marriage and children just as much as I do. I don't think I'm rushing things, but sometimes he says we are. I am really stumped, I get excited thinking about how I would propose, and I've already contacted a wedding chapel. (It's in disneyworld by the way!)

Dr. Tracy I know this maybe out there in some of the advice you've been asked but I am really confused. Some days my heart is happy and okay to be just living with him and to have him, other days my heart breaks and I wonder if I should leave. It would break me in two, but I have dreams, plans that I don't think are too much to ask for. Please help!!!

Dear Wanna-be-a-Bride,

How many times will you let this guy get away with canceling your wedding? There has to be a limit and you have to set it. Otherwise, youíre letting him walk all over you.

This man's a classic Waffler -- one of the crazy-maker types I talk about in my Love Library. He could remain a Waffler for years to come. Do you want to be sick to your stomach for years to come? You'd be smart to do just what you say: find someone else who really wants a marriage and children just as much as you do.

But because you have the "good days," you probably don't have the resolve to walk out yet. You'll give him another chance no matter what I say.

So be smart about it. First, forget about asking him to marry you while youíre on vacation. The risk is not that he would say no and ruin your vacation, the risk is that you would catch him in a weak or romantic moment, he would say yes, and then change his mind again after you're married. Men who feel they got trapped or pressured into getting married, or got married too young, are unhappy husbands. They tend to be unfaithful husbands. And they tend not to stay married.

Your "fiance" has proven himself to be uncertain about marrying you. You need to be sure he's sure. Unfortunately, the only way to test him is to set another date, have a normal engagement period, and see if he sticks to it this time. It may be agony for you to go through this again, but this time, let him know that if he cancels, thatís the end. Tell him you will move out and find someone new -- and mean it.

Youíre still very young. This guy just may not be the right one for you.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




Submitting a Question to this column

Dr. Tracy regrets that it is simply impossible for her to answer all of the hundreds of questions submitted to this column each week. However, she does read every question, and tries to select the three which are of the most general interest to the visitors here.

Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"

If you can't find your answer in the Library and you feel you MUST have an answer, you can get a personal answer from Dr. Tracy within two business days by availing yourself of her inexpensive private counseling.

You may submit your question to Dr.Tracy's column by e-mail here. (Tips: to increase your chances of having your question chosen, state your age and your marital history, and remember to use paragraph breaks so that your question isn't just one big, hard-to-read clump of words. Also, questions in all caps won't be answered.)




(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
Return to "Ask Dr. Tracy" Home Page

© copyright 1995-2011 Tracy Cabot