"Ask Dr. Tracy"

10/12/97 Advice Column


Dear Dr. Tracy,

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I met this guy a few weeks ago. I really liked him. Every time we saw each other at any social gathering we talked for hours. One day we were at a party and I started to talk to a male friend and he got upset and didnīt talk to me for the rest of the night. The following week I met him and he was very nice to me.

One day I met him on line and we started talking as usual but suddenly he began to talk to me in a very rude way and saying bad words. I really donīt understand this. I canīt remember anything wrong I said or did to make him upset. I donīt undersatnd why he acts this way! One day he is a sweetheart and the other the rudest person I know! Please help me!

Dear Can't Understand,

Why would you even want to understand a guy who act this way? He's a jerk! Worse than rude, he's unpredictable, emotionally immature and a good candidate to become an abuser. Can't you read the writing on the wall?

If you keep trying to get close enough to him to get the "sweetheart" part of him, you're going to get the bad part too.

There's nothing to understand here and you shouldn't stay around and try. Give him -- and any guy who acts like him -- a big "get lost," and mean it. Consider yourself fortunate to have spotted this guy's problems before you got involved. Read Men To Avoid and Spotting The Crazies in my Love Library to learn more.

Find someone who's nice all the time, not on and off. Get smart. Pick a good guy, not a nasty one.

Keep looking,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

i read your june 8 column on "Parents too sexy for their kid?" and found it refreshing to hear such a liberated point of view. the column has also prompted me to ask for your advice along the same lines.

my wife and i have been married for 7 years now. we started out extremely passionate (we started seeing each other AFTER a couple of WILD nights on the floor in her parents' house!) i never lost my love for sex, but she seems to be bored with it these days.

during sex, sometimes we'll stimulate each others' imagination by fantasizing out loud about 'things we would never really do.' thing is, i really want to live my fantasy, and it's one that really turns her on when we talk about it.... i've got this fantasy about seeing her with another man, AND making love to her while or right after he does.

first of all, is this really strange, or do other people have similar fantasies? second, what can i do to develop our marriage into an open marriage without making her think i just want an ok to sleep around.

i think that the couple in that column really have something beautiful. they have infinite trust in each other AND each other's feelings. and they live what i truly believe a lot of us only dream about. since life is for living, and not only for dreaming, i ask... how do we get there from here?

signed, faithful and wanting to share more.

Dear Wanting to Share,

I'm glad you liked my viewpoint on those sexy parents. Others felt those parents were really out of line. In any case, no matter how much you want to share, you really can't share your wife unless she too wants to share.

Perhaps if your wife is bored, you should go away for a few days and take some responsibility for making sex fun again. Put some time and planning into seducing her. Try candlelight, presents, dinner out. Buy some new sexy satin sheets for your bed. Burn some wonderful aromatherapy candles. Rent her favorite x-rated movie. Play at her favorite fantasies.

As for your wanting to bring another man into your lovemaking, you're playing with fire. In many cases where men have this fantasy (and lots do), they've lived it out only to find that their wives find the other men more appealing. Also, many men who've "convinced" their partners to try an open relationship have really regretted it afterwards. Remember, a woman can have sex many times with many different men, while a man wears out. So consider how you'd feel if you were worn out and she kept going like the Energizer bunny.

Without your wife's agreement, there's hardly anythng you can do to get into an open marriage. You see, the idea is that both partners want to participate and that everything is done on the up and up.

I suggest you make friends with an experienced "swinger" couple who've been into the scene for many years, know how to follow the rules, and will help ease the way. Of course, it won't work if your wife isn't willing.

Do you know what her fantasy is? Perhaps you could trade fulfilling each other's fantasy. It sounds like you're asking for more than a one time thing, though. It seems that you want an entire change of lifestyle, and for that you may have to get a change of life partners. Few women who sign up for fidelity are willing to switch.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am hispanic brought up in the US and my mate is Asian Indian brought up in India. We have been going out for almost three years. It seems as though we are perfect for each other. We both want to marry each other but have one single problem. He wants to live in a joint family, which means that after we get married, he wants us to live with his parents and his brother and wife as well. I don't want to do it (the extended family part) but want to marry him. On the other hand, he does not want to live away (just the two of us) but also wants to marry me!!!

We don't know what to do and are very much in love with each other and want to get married soon.

Please HELP!!!

Scared and Confused

Dear Scared and Confused,

You should be scared. You are marrying a man who thinks living with his family is just peachy. Well, I guess you haven't heard the stories of daughters-in-laws in Asia who went to live with their husband's families and wound up dead under suspicious circumstances. There have been many articles in major newspapers like the Los Angeles Times about the high incidence of abuse and "wok fire accidents" these women have had.

Daughter-in-laws are at the bottom of the totem pole in these extended family units and made to do the most menial of tasks, ordered around by the mother, and usually are very unhappy. Talk to your mate's brother's wife. See how she likes living there. Perhaps that will give you enough resolve to say no, absolutely positively no.

I would worry though that even if he does agree to live separately, he may change his mind at some time in the future. Get a pre-marital agreement from him in writing that he agrees to live apart from his family. If he won't agree to live apart, don't marry him. He doesn't love you enough.

Be very, very careful,

Dr. Tracy

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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