8/23/98 Advice Column
Please give me a good solution to this problem. I look forward to hearing from you
Get a grip. Find a single guy to flirt with. There is no happy ending to a flirtation with a married man. You can only get hurt. Believe me, you're going down a well-trodden path that leads to pain for everyone involved. Don't be stupid. Be smart and learn from the mistakes of thousands of women who've already tried this kind of destructive flirting.
The next time he's overly friendly, tell him he's barking up the wrong tree and mean it.
I want most of all his happiness and I see the way he lights up when he gets to spend time with them. There is a problem - the older child doesn't really like me (he's 4) but the younger one does. I want to be able to fit in with them both but I'm not really good around kids.
I was an only child and had problems with self-esteem which hugely manifested as I grew older. I am very insecure and constantly feel the threat of not "fitting in"-or-"being liked". My feelings get hurt by the child and my boyfriend says "he's just a kid" but I can't help the way I feel and that am I crushed when his child says he "doesn't like me" or "doesn't want to be my friend" and it just makes me need more attention from my boyfriend. I can't help but think that this relationship might be too much for me to handle but I just don't think I'll ever find someone as wonderful, warm,gentle, and kind as my boyfriend. I am so hurt I just don't know what to do with myself. So, for the time being I tend to distance myself while they are visiting. I am trying to do things with them everyday but I get to a couple of hours and just can't find the strength or will to make it for the whole day and I have to leave to go home. I just miss him so much and I want things to work out for us. All of our friends think we are truly the perfect couple and they believe we belong together. I can't understand the difference between the two loves because I don't have avy children. All I know is I always want him around me and to have his hand touch mine or just have him smiling at me. Can you please offer some advice to ease my mind?
If you're suffering from low self-esteem, get a therapist to work with you, but don't expect your self-esteem to get fixed by nice words from a child. Kids can be mean. So learn to ignore them. If you let them think they can bother you, they'll do it more.
In time, the kids will get used to you, if you hang around. Don't push yourself on them. But don't hide from them either. If you're worried about how to relate to small children, get some help from a local friendly pre-school teacher. Ask if you can come watch her with the kids, or pay her for a couple of hours of tutoring to help you with them.
And if you need to go home after a few hours with the little ones, go and don't feel guilty.
Getting back together with someone after a breakup is very difficult to do unless both people make big changes in themselves. Otherwise you have the same two people coming together with the same problems which will repeat themselves over and over again. That's why some couples seem to keep breaking up and getting back together again only to break up again. Unfortunately, changing takes work, commitment and usually a therapist's help. If your husband sincerely commits to counseling, you might consider exploring it with him. In the meantime, go with your heart, or you'll be condemning yourself to a life of regret. But don't rush. Give yourself time to explore the relationship with the new guy, and let your ex hang. After all, he did the leaving.
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