"Ask Dr. Tracy"

8/11/96 Advice Column

Parting is such Sweet Sorrow,
Baby hunger,
He wants romance

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a half, which is a pretty long time for an 18 year old. The problem is that she is planning on going away to college this fall, as am I. I would love to go away wiht her, but she thinks that it might be good for her to go away alone, and mature. I keep telling her that she is going to mature whether I am there or not, because the only thing that is holding her back now is her very restrictive parents. I told her that I respect the fact that she wishes to develop a social life outside of me, because I want to do the same. Please, I don't know what to do, and our relationship means everything to me, as I love her very, very much. What should I do?

Dear Young Romeo,

Sometimes the best way to keep a woman is to let her go and see if she comes back to you. Read "Why People Love" in my Library to gain further insight into this.

You and your girlfriend will be lonesome and yearn for each other, for sure, but any relationship has to be capable of surviving separations. In your case and hers, absence will either make your hearts grow fonder, or it won't. Meanwhile, you'll probably get so wrapped up in college you won't be nearly as heartbroken as it now seems sure you'll be.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

This is a topic I never hear talked about, I was sure that eventually one of the Talk Shows would cover it, but not so far. My husband and I have been together 15 years, married for 7. We spoke of having a family very early in our relationship. We now have one son who's 3. I have been ready to have another baby for more than 2 years but my husband thinks that having just one child would be best. Best for who I say. I am beginning to resent him for this, and I take it personally that he doesn't want to have another child with me. I had a great pregnancy, tough delivery since my son was 11 lbs. 4 oz. which was why I required a emergency C-Section. My husband says he couldn't go through that again. That sounds so selfish to my.

Our son is great, it all has been a wonderful experience and the thought of never being able to do it just one more time makes my extremely sad, mad, hurt (you name it). These feelings are becoming consuming. I don't know if I'm willing to give up having another child for him but I don't think I'm willing to give up a good marriage for the same reason, but I know the resentment will destroy us eventually. I have been open and honest with my feeling with him and he still hasn't changed his mind. So, my question is, is this grounds for leaving(divorcing) a man?

Dear Maternal,

Baby hunger down't go away. Take it from me. You're not going to get over wanting another child.

You and your husband should get counseling. Call RESOLVE, a support group for women in your situation. Ask them for a referral to a therapist in your area who specializes in the baby hunger problem.

Your husband is being selfish but he probably doesn't understand the importance of the issue. Let him know it's not negotiable. Having another child will be good for your son, but most of all it will fulfill you.

Get all his objections on the table. Then discuss them. Then negotiate. If he can't stand the birth, then tell him he doesn't have to be there. In other words, overcome all his objections. Then if he still won't have another child and you still want one as strongly, think about leaving. Because you're right, the baby hunger could very likely destyoy the love you have.

The longer you postpone the baby decision, the harder it gets both physically and emotionally.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My Fiance wants me to be more romantic. The problem is, How do you romance a man? Can you give me ideas?

Dear Ms. Matter-of-fact,

Men need romance too, and today's liberated women sometimes forget that inside their guy's hunk of muscles is a sentimental glob of mush.

Romance your guy with romantic literature. Buy a book of love poems by e.e. cummings or Elizabeth Barrett Browning, write something gushy in the front, and give it to him. Get a great photograph of the two of you doing something fun, write a gushy inscription on it, frame it and give it to him.

Buy him an aftershave you like and tell him he smells wonderful when he wears it. Wear his favorite perfume. Cook his favorite meal. Serve it by candlelight. Change into a sexy negligee before bedtime.

Send him "I love you" greeting cards for no reason. Call him just to say "I love you." Rent a romantic movie and watch it together. Leave little love notes where he'll find them. Write him a love letter. Send him flowers. Take him on a date that you plan and pay for.

Do you have a pet name for him? Do you have "our song?" Do you have "our favorite romantic restaurant?" If not, add them to your romance arsenals. Read "Love-Building Strategies" in my Library.

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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