8/30/98 Advice Column
There's nothing you can do short of getting him a job, and I don't recommend that either. When women help men get ahead with their careers, the guy often begins to resent that help and dumps the woman after he's made it. He doesn't want to be reminded of where he came from and how he got to the top. So be smart and back off of this relationship for now. Give him time to get his act together and he'll come back to you when his libido is back. Don't try to help. Don't try to get closer at this time.
I do not blame her, solely, for my life's problems, but there is no doubt that I was raised radically differently from most kids (my family is from England, but we moved to Canada when I was younger), and as a result, I hardly had any friends in school, and never had a boyfriend until a couple years ago, which ended badly. Needless to say, the relationship I'm in right now could use some work too, but I don't even want to get into that, as there are so many things complicating it, including the fact that I, for all intents and purposes, cheated on my boyfriend, who is already a very insecure person. But back to my mother.. I have not seen anything relating to parents in your love library, and I'm at the end of my rope, as all I can find anywhere is how parents can deal with their kids. I am not cold hearted enough to just leave and not look back, but I am severely depressed and often suicidal, and part of it is being trapped in that house. Please help me if you can, I don't know where else to turn.
Now you are 21 and no longer a child. You can move out, get a job, and get a place of your own. That's the way the world has worked for endless generations. You are not responsible for providing company for your mother. She should find friends of her own. Basically, you and your mom each need to Get A Life.
You must realize that you are not trapped; you are staying with your mom because you have decided to, and you also have the power to decide not to. Most children have left home way before they're 21, and most parents deal with it. You don't have to feel guilty or "cold hearted."
Another thing for you to consider: one of the best ways to cure depression is to take action in your life.
I think I speak for many Indo-Americans, Canadians, etc. when I say that for any Indian parent, estrangement from their children is much much worse than marrying out of the Indian culture. If the guy has no respect for things Indian, then I can see a problem, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. Perhaps I haven't explained this well, but I feel very strongly that you are giving Indians a bad rap. This guy and his fiance should meet the parents and at least try to explain. The daughter should approach the subject first. That's just my opinion, from a pretty good vantage point.
thank you for you time.
My task here is to give readers the kind of real-life advice I give my clients, not to stay on politically correct terms with all religious and racial groups. (Which keeps getting me in trouble :)
If you could see the hundreds and hundreds of letters I've received from readers describing horror stories with parents regarding social, racial or religious differences, I think you'd agree that my advice to the young man in question was a realistic warning.
I just wish more parents were like yours!
Thanks for writing,
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