"Ask Dr. Tracy"

9/20/98 Advice Column


Dear Dr. Tracy,

I'm a 23 year old student and mother of one. I'm currently engaged to the love of my life. We've been engaged for a year and are getting married in 5 months. Everything is really good. However, last night I saw something that kinda shocked me and I'm don't know why it is bothering me. I'll explain, my fiance and I have a good sex life and we still have sex as often as possible. However, I do not have orgasims just through sex unless it lasts several several hours, but I can have an orgasim just by masterbating which I do sometimes in the morning after my fiance has left for work. I never thought of it as being wrong or bad in any way I still don't but, I never do it if my fiance is there to make love to me. I enjoy the love making even though I don't have an orgasim.

Last night while my fiance was in the shower I peeked in to tell him I love you and that supper was done and I caught him masterbating. I closed the door quickly and never said a word to him about it. Now I feel really strange, WHY on earth would he be doing that when we could of very easily been making love instead. I don't understand he always has an orgasim when we make love so why would he rather do this. Why when I was right there, Why Why Why??? And why would he stand in the shower in a direction that if I walked in I could see him. I think he knows that I know what he was doing! He won't say anything and I was hoping the feeling I have would go away, but the more I try not to think about it the more it upsets me. He doesn't know that I masterbate and I don't feel that when I do it that it is wrong so why do I feel it was wrong for him to do? I am so confused about how to deal with this and I'm afraid it I confront him about it that it would end up in some kind of fight or that he would just denie it and I'd still be left feeling this way!

Do you have any advice for me, I'm so confused!

Dear Confused,

So he masturbates in the shower. No big deal. I've never known a man who didn't. It's a fact of life. They're in there with the warm water and the slippery soap and they have to wash their penis. So it's a short step from washing to masturbating. Guys kid each other in locker room showers: "If you wash it more than once, you're playing with it!"

It's easier than sex, takes less exertion and it's convenient. Men see it as a pleasurable tension release and it's not to be taken personally by their partner, nor is it a substitution for the real thing. Maybe having you see him masturbate increases his thrill because he can imagine you're helping him have a better orgasm and he can fantasize about making love to you while he masturbates.

In any case, don't take it personally. Instead, you might want to try masturbating more and work on bringing yourself to orgasm with a vibrator. For a bigger thrill, masturbate while he's there or watching. If you're going to be married, you don't want to have to be sneaking masturbation, and neither does he. Honesty and acceptance of each other's masturbation is the best policy.

Many women find that in order to have an orgasm during sex, they have to masturbate during intercourse. This is easily accomplished with a good electric plug-in type vibrator such as a Hitachi. Then have your boyfriend enter you from behind while you masturbate. You'll be surprised at your increased pleasure.

Have fun masturbating, and don't worry about his shower orgasms. Instead of fighting over it, tell him it's okay; that you masturbate too. Next time, try hopping in the shower yourself and helping him out. Anything adults do sexually is okay if they both accept and enjoy it. Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 3 and 1/2 years. I'm 19 and he's 26. Throughout these years I've had a lot of problems in my life like: depression, a career of being an exotic dancer, drug and alchohol abuse and a very unhealthy relationship w/ him. About 6 mo. ago,I realized my life was going to go down the drain. My boyfriend was constantly trying to make me pay for my problems in abusive ways and I was so depressed that I was about ready to kill myself. All that mattered to me was his approval of me. I decided to get out of there because deep down I knew I needed achange. I left Florida to come stay with my family here in Seattle.

Since then, my life has improved. I got my GED, I've been working hard and honestly, i've made a lot of good friends, and most importantly, I've been happy. My problem is that when I came here, I meant for it to be temporary. My boyfriend has asked me to move back there and in w/ him. He has promised me his love and support in anything I want to do.Do you think it is a good idea, even w/ our rocky past? I really love him and it sounds like he wants to make it work. I've mentioned how he was verbally abusive and how I couldn't deal w/ that ever again. He says at the time I deserved it because all of the bad things I was doing. He said he didn't know how to handle it. He says he's very proud of me now and he thinks we're ready for a good relationship. I know that it isn't right to abuse someone just because you're angry and frustrated w/ them but I'm afraid he'll never realize the effect it has had on me and my self-esteem. I forgot to mention he's manic- depressive.I know he has the ability to be a very loving boyfriend, he's a good person. Please help me. I need a way to know if going back w/ him will wise. I know I'm ready for a good relationship and I definitly want a good life. He says he wants the same.

Dear Ready to go Back,

Stop. Don't go back. The problem here is that you've changed but he hasn't. No matter how different you are, he's still going to be the same old boyfriend -- manic depressive, critical and abusive.

You'd be risking your new-found happiness and self-esteem. If things don't please him, he'll turn into the same old verbally abusive guy. Also, you'll be in danger of slipping back into the same old life with the same problems you had before.

Seattle's a great place. Stay there and enjoy your new friends and your family. Get your career in gear and find someone new to date. If you're ready for a good relationship and you want a good life, you'll have a better chance in Seattle with your family's support than you will in Florida with this guy. In 3 1/2 years he learned to treat you badly. You'd have to totally retrain him, send him to therapy for his manic-depressive abusive behavior, and hope he won't act the same again.

If he wants to be with you so badly, tell him to come to Seattle. Making a long trip, being willing to move to where you are, and not being nasty or abusive about it could be indications that he's possibly retrainable. But don't change your new life until you're sure he's changed and that the two of you can be together without the damage you suffered before. Usually these guys don't change.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

well let's see about year and half ago i dated a girl who used me as"transition guy" but while i was with her she made me to believe that i was the best thing happened to her. well after we broke up she started living with my best friend or shall i say not best friend but some one that i tried to always help so i was his best friend but he was never my friend. the two started hanging out and both were drug users, she was a casual and he was a everyday user so she became also an everyday user. upon hearing about his betrayal i caught him going into her house and swore to him that i will have his ex to show him how it feels.

well that is what i did and now she is in love with me and my ex dumped my ex best friend and now i am stock with a girl that i don't want to break her heart, and i cannot stay with her, she is bisexual and also does drugs very occasionaly. it is like i am still under the curse of my ex psycho ex girlfriend. how can i brake this off with out hurting her and also giving the enjoyment to my ex friend and girlfriend to see us broken up?

why can't a guy like me who wants to get married and has education, family and financial security find a girl that is normal? and finally to all your readers that are men i want to say that your description of the wrong women to go out with is the best that you can get. There is one thing, all men need to know is that do not let the person who you are dating know what is the definition of you ideal woman because there are some users out there who will present the image you expect to make you happy and make you fall in love. when they have you they will tear you apart using your worst fears which again you had to have told them about because you opened your heart to them.

Dear Under the Curse,

well let's see... you feel as if you're still living under the curse of your old girlfriend. Actually, you're living under your own curse. Wake up! Think! You're the one who kept going out with your ex in spite of her drug use and your belief that she's a psycho.

Then you decided to have another girl as revenge on another guy. That's no reason to start a relationship and bound to lead to trouble.

So now you're stuck with the lousy choices you've made and you're blaming your ex girlfriend and your best friend for your choices.

You can't breakup with someone without hurting them. You're going to cause more pain for yourself and for her too. There's no getting around it. So 'fess up, break up, and give her a chance to find someone who loves her for herself and not to get even. The solution is to stop worrying about what other people are going to think about who you date or don't date, and start dating a nice girl who will appreciate you.

You can find reasonably normal girls in lots of places. Try the internet. Try church. Take classes at night. The real deal for you is to be attracted to a girl for the right "normal" reasons.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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