9/27/98 Advice Column
Now after four months we ran into each other at church and he has been in my life ever since. Not as boyfriend/girlfriend but as friends. It hurts me though to think this is all he wants after everything we've been through together.
He calls every day, takes me out to dinner, I even have gone with him to visit his sick grandmother in the hospital. We share everything except sex. He says there is no one else in his life. This has beengoing on now for about six months. I don't want him completely out of my life, but I definitely could live without him.
You're letting him have everything he wants without giving you what you want, commitment and sex. After two and a half years, he should be ready and know whether he wants to be with you or not.
Stop playing total wife. Stop letting him have all the advantages of a girlfriend without the responsibility. If you want him in your life, let him know you want the whole thing or nothing. Plan a romantic seduction and if it doesn't work, tell him you're going to find someone else. As hard as it may be for you to cut him off, that's the only solution.
As long as you're talking to him every day, going out to dinner, and visiting his sick grandmother in the hospital, you will be emotionally tied to him and unable to really connect with someone new. He probably realizes that either consciously or otherwise, so he knows he has you on his terms and doesn't have to worry about someone else taking you away. So he can have you without any commitment at all, either sexually or emotionally.
Let him know that won't work and that you will find a man who is available and willing to commit. Then go out and start dating. The worst that will happen is that you will fall in love with someone else. The best is that he'll realize he could lose you and come running with everything you want.
Don't sneak swinging in on your wife, blindfolded or otherwise. Getting involved in swinging requires a lot of marital trust and total agreement. If she doesn't want to go along with your swinging aspirations, you should keep swinging in your fantasies and forget about arranging a threesome of any kind.
Usually swingers find another compatible couple, either privately or through a swing club. Finding a compatible couple takes a lot of looking because you need four people who are attracted and have the same desires which is more than twice as difficult as two people. Stop worrying so much about your own fantasies and try finding out what your wife's desires really are. Springing a surprise swinging encounter on her is about the worst idea I've ever heard.
One warning before you pursue this swinging idea, even with her agreement: male swingers are pretty impressive lovers, and once your wife gets started, she may want to try every guy at the party and play into the night. More than one husband has wound up losing his wife to the arms of a fascinating and experienced swinger.
He said he wasn't going down my path (of getting married) but that he'd always be my friend and always be there for me. I was so sick about it I lost weight, couldn't sleep. I'm finally getting better but just recently he called and we went out and I stayed overnight and had sex...like nothing had changed in the relationship. He knows that sex is the attachment for me. He even promised to introduce me to eligible guys but hasn't yet. What should I do? I want to be married this year or be dead.
I hope you will be alive and married this year. But if you want to accomplish that goal, you'll start scouring the want ads for a guy who also wants to be married. Meanwhile, tell your guy with the different path that you're going to find someone who's interested in settling down on your own. Don't wait around for him to introduce you to someone eligible or you'll be waiting a long time. After all, that's not in his best interest, is it?
Join a dating club, check out the Net for guys in your area who fit your requirements, and don't spend another day waiting for Mr. Wrong Path to turn into Mr. Walk Down the Aisle. If having sex with him makes you feel you must have him and only him, then break the attachment and stop sleeping with him. You can't effectively date and attract other men if you're still emotionally in his clutches.
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