"Ask Dr. Tracy"

9/24/2000 Advice Column

I Want Another Woman Fast
Men Who Inhale
A Man With A Past

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am 38 y.o., male, been married with my wife for 4 years ( first marriage ) I remember that back in Summer 1996 I made one of the biggest mistakes in my life. That was I proposed to a woman who been divorced and had her 10 y.o. daughter, had no green card, been in US for less than 10 month with language barrier. At the time we got married in June of 1996 I had known her for only one month.

After a short period ( days or weeks ) I realized that this lady does not behave the way she behaved before we got married. Specifically, her own behavior was a childish and egoistic all years throughout. For the past three years I asked her to get divorced but because of her wait for the status with INS, she begged me that she loves me and wanted to improve our relationship.

I insisted on having a child but she always had excuses. She had no sexual drive. When we had sexual intercourse she did not look into sex as a some special moment in our relationship but rather an assignment she needed to complete and forget about it.

Today it turned out that she was not honest with me. She just recently got her bachelor degree, got a job as a teacher with all benefits, got her permanent status with INS. After several years me asking her to get divorced she easily agrees to leave me and has no problems of getting divorced. I feel betrayed. And here are two of my questions:

1. I cannot stay by myself in the big house that we just bought 5 month ago. And I want to find another Russian Jewish woman for serious relationship. Probably would not hurry to get married again. ( even if I like the new lady a lot) What would you suggest?

2. If a woman has no sexual drive ( signs of it I observed are: desire to sleep on a separate bed, simply not to take an initiative on offering sexual intercourse, no kisses through mouth at all ( I mean no deep kisses. Period ), no desire to get help from a sex therapist. What is wrong with this woman or women like her? Is there help ? Is there only a third party who will make the difference? What is the secret?

Dear Needy,

You have already gotten into so much trouble rushing into a relationship, marrying after just a month, I would think you might want to slow down now. You are complaining and complaining about how you were taken by this woman, and yet you seem determined to repeat this same mistake again.

Like many men and women, you are repeating a relationship pattern, hoping to get it right this time. But take my word for it, you won't. You'll just repeat the same mistake.

Your excuse for needing another relationship right away is that you can't stay in the big house you just bought by yourself. That's the most ridiculous excuse I've ever heard for rushing into a relationship. You don't find a woman to fill the space in your house.

And of course, you want another Russian Jewish woman just like the one you had before. So you're going to set everything up exactly like you did before, except that you say you're not going to marry her right away. That's a fantasy if I ever heard one. You can't find another Russian Jewish woman to fill the hole in your heart and the space in your house and expect her to not want marriage, or a green card, or a better life. My suggestion is that you find someone who doesn't need you, who doesn't need a green card, and who is self sufficient.

You want someone who is needy, so that you can give them everything and control their life. That only works for a little while and then it almost always backfires, just as it did in your case. The needy person becomes self-sufficient and doesn't need you anymore and leaves. The solution is to find a woman who is already self-sufficient and cares for you as a person, not for what you can do for her.

As for the sex question, if a woman has no sexual drive, doesn't want to share a bed with you, and doesn't want to kiss you, guess what? You don't turn her on. There may be nothing wrong with the woman, except that she's with the wrong man, you, for the wrong reasons - a green card, a place to live, etc. There is no sex therapist that can fix it when a woman's with a man who just doesn't push her hot button. There is no secret, except to find a woman who is turned on by you, who finds you sexually attractive, who wants to touch you, kiss you and sleep with you.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 21 year old student with few family and no friends. I have been with my boyfriend (age 23) for three years and he has become my entire life. When I needed to break away from my family (they were abusive to me), he was there for me. When I began having flashbacks and nightmares about being raped as a little girl, he took me to counseling. He showed me how to smile and love without fear... He takes care of me.

I thought this would always last, but now I'm not so sure. I found out recently that he smoked pot with his friend at a concert. I know a lot of people think pot isn't a big deal, but it is to me. Especially since I expect to have a future with him! He told me that he won't make a habit of it, but will probably do it every once in a while. He said he will stop when we eventually one day try to have children.

I am scared to believe him. I want better than that for my future children and for myself. I love him so much and don't want to leave him over this, but should I? Or am I making too big of a deal over nothing?

Dear Scared,

Your boyfriend sounds like a wonderful person -- kind, considerate, loving, caring, nurturing. In all, the best person that's ever come into your life. He's cared for you and helped you break away from your abusive family, he's been there for you when nobody else was there, and he's taken care of you and helped you get over your tough times.

And you're considering dumping him over a couple of tokes at a concert? Even if he smoked more than that, it's not a big deal if it doesn't interfere with his life or with yours. Think of all the great men who have smoked a little pot…our president, our vice-president, and many others, including me.

Smoking a little pot doesn't make a man a bad prospect for a life partner. Give him a break and stop worrying so much. Think of all the breaks he's given you. Of course you should believe him when he says he won't make a habit of it. Why wouldn't you? He hasn't been lying to you about it or sneaking. He's been honest and up front.

Don't leave him because he smokes a little pot from time to time. Pot's not a dangerous drug and in many states is now legal. Pot smokers aren't violent and they certainly don't all go on to shooting heroin. Most of them smoke a little to relax and that's the end of it. You are making way too much of a big deal out of this. Forget it and continue to love and be loved by this great guy.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I'm a 33 year old female, never married, no kids. About a year and a half go I met a wonderful man. He was still married at the time, in a bad marriage. I never felt any chemistry with him so I kept the relationship platonic. His divorce became final about 4 months ago, and he has been trying to pursue a relationship with me. Hence the dilemma.

He is a rather successful doctor, the kindest man I've ever met and he treats me like a queen when we're together. I'm over 100 lbs overweight and not working at the moment, nor am I currently dating anyone else. My problem is that I just can't get past his 9 year old daughter. He loves her to death, dotes on her and has custody every other weekend. When I decide to get married, I want to be the first woman in my man's life. I crave the attention and I don't want to have to play second fiddle. I'm afraid that if I allow myself to fall in love with him, later I will be hurt because she will always come before me.

I don't mind that his work takes up a lot of his time, but I'd like what's left over for me -- not to share it with another girl. Am I being too selfish or should I count my blessings and go for it?


Dear Baffled,

In this relationship, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose. There's no line at your door. You're 100 pounds overweight, unemployed, and not dating anyone else. He's willing to overlook your problems. Why would you consider dumping a man who treats you like a queen because he was married before and has a daughter he adores?

A previously married man whose marriage hasn't worked out has learned a lot about what to do and what not to do in a relationship. I suspect you've had little experience with relationships, and I think a man who has had experience would be perfect for you. As for his adoring his daughter, I can't think of anything better than a man who loves his daughter. That shows his ability to love.

The only thing that should keep you from being with this man is if you still don't feel any chemistry with him, not because he has an ex-wife and a daughter he loves. It's time to realize that lots of nice guys have been married and divorced, especially in your age range.

Don't be a fool. Being the first wife is meaningless. It's being the last wife that counts. As for his daughter, you might actually enjoy her too. There are always problems being a step-parent, but having a man to yourself all the time except for every other weekend is a lot better than not having any man at all.

Sure, his daughter will always have a special place in his heart. However, as the kindest man you've ever met, I'm sure his heart has room for you and her too.

Count your blessings and go for it.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

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