Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

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A Married Boyfriend
The Porn Collector
Looking For A Formula

A Married Boyfriend

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have been seeing my current boyfriend for a little over one year. We met at work which we are both no longer at and at the time we first got together he was married. He came onto me alot in the beginning but I shyed away due to his marriage. Well as charming as he is, the marriage according to him was over a long time ago. Well why not a divorce I ask, his answer....he became so accustomed to burying himself in work while on the road traveling and she (his ex-wife) accepting everything he does including other women. In the beginning of our relationship all was good, I've been through many disastrous relationships and told myself the minute I even think he's playing me for a fool, I'm gone.

Well then I met someone else online and we hooked up a couple of times "intimately." This guy was definitely not someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, just a fling, I mean my boyfriend was married, went to LA every other weekend, what would he miss?

Eventually, the truth spilled out of me, which was a very sad moment for me and my boyfriend. I expected him to leave but he has remained to stay with me. My problem now is that he always brings up the past when we argue and with my past getting in our conversations, I always feel like he may want to get even.

What should I do about this. Our arguments have been going on now for about one year and I'm beginning to pull my hair with worry that he's cheating or will cheat or using my past as a weapon to hurt me. I've not caught him yet. But Dr. Tracy, what should I do to gain my life back.

Dear Hair Puller,

Stop pulling your hair out over this relationship. It's not worth it. This guy's married. No matter what he says or how charming he is or how loving he can be, he's married and his excuse for not getting a divorced is feeble at best.

You don't really believe he doesn't get a divorce because he travels a lot and buries himself in his work, do you? The truth is that he doesn't get a divorce because he likes his life just the way it is. He gets the advantages of being married while playing around with women like you. And I hope you don't really believe his "marriage was over a long time ago." Don't you know they all say that? He's probably also cheating on you on those trips to LA every other weekend. I suspect the reason he keeps bringing up your behavior is to justify his. He has no right at all to criticize you, and you're a fool for thinking you have to be faithful to him and for feeling guilty because you weren't. You don't owe him a thing - especially fidelity.

You've been arguing with him for a year over this, and it's time to put a stop to it. Tell him if he brings up your dalliance one more time, you'll call his wife and have a nice chat with her about how open-minded she is about his dalliances.

But that won't "gain your life back." The only thing that will do that is to break up with this guy and find someone who isn't married. Married men don't make good boyfriends, they make part-time lovers who keep you from finding a man who can really be yours.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

The Porn Collector

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I'm 57 and my husband is 50, we met on the internet a couple years ago. We talked for many many months, about anything and everything. We hit all bases before we even met. He lived out east, and I in a central state. Out there, he worked for a well-known company. He'd been married before, for 7 yrs., divorced for a good 8-9 yrs. I even asked "Why did you get a divorce, what was the problem?" He told me it was cause she wanted a 3-some. (After we got married, and I asked him again, that it was him that wanted it 3-way.=Caught him in a lie, I was so hurt that he lied to me!!)

Another thing we discused on line, he'd told me that from being in the Army for 10 yrs., and the Navy for 10 yrs., and have traviled the world, he'd picked up Porn movies from all over. And he also rented them out to the other guys to make extra money. And I understood this. (He was single then too.)

Plus he also told me that in storage, he had over 3000 of these movies. And asked me if they would be a problem. I said no, only that I'd want them put way out of sight, so no one could see them, and he agreed. He also asked if I'd ever seen any! I was very truthful w/ him and told him, only once, when I was a lot younger, and my x-husband was in the Army, and we went to a friends house, and I sat off in a corner and couldn't look at it. I was soooo shy at that time. He asked if maybe we could watch-em together. I said I'd TRY!!

Well, after he got here, and a new friend here got him a couple porn movies, he and I sat down to see it, He KNEW I was never around any of that kind of stuff in my life. And that I was mostly raised in Foster homes, and a Christain Childrens Home. And I'd only seen that one at a glance. But he put one of these movies in, and wanted to EXPLAIN what was going on in it...I just couldn't watch it, it made me soooo sick, I had to run to the bathroom. I came back, and told him, to leave the tape in, and I'd work on watching it on my own to get use to it, so we could watch em together. But I never got that chance, due to my grandkids coming over to visit a lot, and my adult children too. Well, he got super pissed that I never got around to it, and and throws it up to my face every now and then.

Well, I found out that he was looking at porn on the web. And I hurt like hell. But I TRIED to get use to it, due to him being use to it. But w/ the STRESS it caused me, w/ the worry and his yelling at me a lot, and I didn't want to fight back w/ words, due to 1.) I didn't want to say something I couldn't take back. 2.) I DON'T like to argue, and he knew this from my profile on line. 3.) I wanted to treat him better then I did my late-husband , I didn't want to make some of the same mistakes. 4.) I WAS super loving to him also. But all this stress put me into the hospital w/ super bad stress headacks. (I'd also talked w/ my family doctor about my home problem w/ him. And she said, he'd never get away from them, it'll just get worse.)

Well it has..... He agreed to not look at them, but could he go on line and READ dirty stories. I said yes, as long as there was no dirty pictures. He found a site we both agreed w/ "Stories-Online" ! (No pictures) But I never felt that I could trust him completely. So every now-n-then, I'd go into his computer and check his HISTORY. And sure enough I'd find pictures, lots of them. We had a BIG FIGHT about it, and he TRIED to tell me they were only POP-UP'S, Notttt, esp. when there was 127 of them!! LOL! But I found more a couple more times after that, and I left him, and filed for divorce. But I backed out cause I believe him when he said it wouldn't happen again. I came back to give it another try....And he STUCK me w/ getting him UNSUBSCRIBED from all these web-sites. He said he didn't know how to do it. Duhhhh!! Well I did it for him. Cause I LOVED him, and wanted this marriage to work.

In no time at all, he was at it again..... I left again, and filed for divorce again. We talked a lot, and he PROMISED he wouldn't do it again...and DUMB BLONDE me, believed him. Not only did I have to UNSCUBSCRIBE him from Porn Web Sites... He'd also signed up to a good 10 - 15 different DATING WEB SITES!!! And put himself as SINGLE!!! I went through again, and unsubscribe from them also...cause he didn't know HOW !!!

Everything went really good for 3 mos. But as I said, I never fully trusted him. I did a reguler check on his computer...and sure enough , He'd signed up to "INCESTQUEST" , which has stories, pictures, and a chat line also. We had a fight over that, but he said he was only in there for the stories. But one nite, he was over typing away on his computer, and I asked him who was he talking too? He said a friend from work. But I wasn't a believer. So I went on my computer, and went to his mail, signed into his Instant messenger, and there was a NEW WOMANS name in it, and it was lit all up. I went back to mine, put her name in. And got on and started talking to her...I asked her if she was talking to "So-n-so", she said yes. And Iasked how long has she been talking to him, she said 2-3 mos. And he'd also told her he was single. She asked who I was...I told her the truth!! She went back and told him, and He YELLED at me and ASKED what I was doing!! LOL ! WE HAD A BIG FIGHT THEN!!!! And of course, this woman didn't want anymore to do w/ him....... duhhhhh??

Now months later, he's still doing the same as always, but not the dating web-sites, nor chat lines....But the other is in full swing. But you've got to understand our sex life too. I MAY have sex from him every 3-6 mos. And he's alway's telling me he'd horny all the time!!! Here's whats carzy, he'll wait for me to go to bed, and go to these sites, and I DON'T know what he does then....I'm SURE he masterbates, cause he admited to me that's how he took care of himself for years. He can't ever say it was me, cause he complained I wanted it too much!! And as out spoken as he is, he say's he can't talk about sex w/ me, but he can explain PORN MOVIES to me!! This don't make sence to me at all. He say's I'm so "WET-BEHIND-THE-EAR'S", that I don't try new things. But that's a complete lie. He wan'ts to go into my rectum, and I said NO!! I don't feel no pleasure, and that it hurts me. This is one of his hand-ups w/ me. He's WATCHED so many of these porn movies and sites, that he believes that I should be taking care of him COMPLETELY, meaning, he's to just lay there, and I do everything to make him a happy camper. Ohhhh, he does masterbate me a little. but that's it...We spend about an hour or 2 just on him. But WHAT hurts is...I STILL don't make him happy. He has to masterbate, and stick it in me fast to TRY to make me feel like it was me that made him happy!! "NOT"!!! It just makes me cry, that I'm not one of his "PORN GIRL'S" !! That's what he makes me feel like.

Slowly but surely....I've backed away from him, meaning my feelings, and wanting him to even touch me. I've gotten cold toward him. There's this brick wall between us. But he can't see it. I've REALLY TRIED to work w/ him over this, but he don't want to talk about it, and when we do, he WON'T be honest and open w/ me about our sex life. He says he can't, cause I'm as sure as god made little green apples, he'll come up w/ some far off the wall crap he wants done to him ONLY!! And he knows I won't go for it. Like a 3 some!! ( I'm going to TRY again to get him to talk about it!!)

I'm at my wit's end. I'm thinking divorce a lot too. I can't keep going on this way. There isn't a day goes by we don't fight about something. I can't wait to get away from him a few hours. He won't go to counseling, but I have, never got any good answers, they don't seen to really understand at what I've gone through, and going through NOW!

Dear Gullible,

How could you be so na´ve as to believe a man with a collection of over 3,000 porn movies who rented them out to other men would give up porn and never look at it again?

You say you "hit all the bases" in the beginning of this relationship, but you were far from being on the same base. You told him that his collection wouldn't be a problem, that you understood, and you would try watching them with him. I think you knew you hated pornography but just wanted him so bad (or maybe just wanted love in your life so bad) that you would be willing to say or do almost anything to get him. Then you told him you'd work on watching the video. You led him to expect your willingness to participate in his porn hobby and then you wouldn't.

Did you really believe he didn't know how to unsubscribe to the porn sites? Or that they were pop-ups he couldn't control and got on his computer by accident? I think you were just trying to believe him so that you could stay together.

This marriage is in big trouble. You're married to this man with a porn habit and online addiction that's not going to stop, and you can't live with it. He needs someone who's as sexually adventurous as he is, and you need a more conservative man. People who have different sexual needs will always become dissatisfied with each other eventually.

You and he will just make each other miserable. Neither of you is right for the other one. I think you're right about counseling. It won't change him. He's too old and set in his ways and doesn't want to change. I don't think you're going to change either. So cut your losses and see a divorce lawyer.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Looking For A Formula

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I find dating very stressful, although I usually enjoy myself while on the date. I know there are no rules for this sort of thing, but how often should you see someone when you are first dating? Is once a week too tepid an involvement to get excited about?

Also, I have a tendency to rush physical, romantic content (usually in the form of the first kiss). I feel like I'm in limbo until I cross that border. If after three or four dates, I've still just kissed her goodnight on the cheek, am I too timid, or does it just mean she isn't interested. I can't believe I'm 35 and still so bad at this. I thought I would have been smarter after all these years.

yrs, Cowardly Lion

Dear Cowardly Lion,

There is no exact formula, and rules don't work, because everyone is different and you have to behave differently with every woman and in every situation. For example, rules that work for 18-year-olds who are dating won't work for 35-year-olds like yourself.

That said, I believe that when you first start dating, even once a week, is too often. You should see someone intermittently in the beginning, which will make them want to see you more often. Seeing a woman every weekend should wait until you are more of an item.

Now, about the kissing. You're talking about a kiss on the cheek after three or four dates, and you're worried that you tend to "rush" things? You're kidding, right? Mr. Lion, if a woman doesn't want to kiss you good night by the 2nd date, you can consider that a kiss of death. And I'm not talking about a kiss on the cheek. Don't even think about a kiss on the cheek. That's what elderly uncles do. Lovers kiss on the lips.

If a kiss on the cheek on the 4th date has been your idea of "rushing," your dates have probably been wondering what's wrong with you or them.

You want to find out if she's interested? Women expect men to make the physical romantic moves. If you're wondering how far to go, be physical and see what happens. Start by holding hands and see if she pulls away. If she doesn't, move on to putting your arm around her. Be physically attentive, be "touchy feely." If she pulls away, you'll know not to go further. If she doesn't pull away or push you away, keep going until you get a signal that you've gone as far as she wants you to go. Women set their boundaries and are usually very good at giving signals or simply telling you when you have gone to far.

If you're 35 years old and no woman has ever told you to stop, then you are being too passive to ever get anywhere. I recommend my book, "Man Power, How to Win The Woman You Want." You'll find lots of ways to read the signals women give all the time.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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