Wants to be First
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I’m a 23 year old woman who has fallen deeply in love with a 30 year old man. The feelings are mutual and we have plans on getting married in the future. He treats me wonderfully and he is absolutely everything I have dreamed of except for his ex-wife. Part of the problem is that he is my first love and my first serious relationship. I have never been in a relationship that lasted more than a month and I’m feeling resentment because he’s had a previous marriage. The deal is that I feel his ex-wife is still too involved in his and his family’s life.
It was his ex-wife’s idea to set us up. I had no idea that they had been married until after we were introduced. After spending hours on the phone and a few dates, we realized we had extraordinary chemistry and I developed serious feelings for him. Only after the relationship got very serious did I start to realize the "friendship" my boyfriend has with his ex-wife.
When he married her she had a young child who he cares about and still wants to be in his life. After their divorce she had another child with an uninvolved father. During her pregnancy with this child her and my now boyfriend became very close friends and soon after the birth of the child she moved back in with him. Apparently their second attempt at the relationship failed but he considers himself the father of her second child. Although I don’t understand his desire to be "daddy" to her second child I do understand that he cares for the children very much and feels the need to be friends with his ex-wife to keep them in his and his family’s life.
I can’t help but wonder how friendly is too friendly. She calls just to see how he’s doing and anytime that she needs something done to her house or her car, she is calling my boyfriend and he’s all willing to do it, even at my expense (use of my car, gas, time, our plans). After he had surgery he was upset because she didn’t call that night. (Not to worry, she called the next morning.) His mother is still close to his ex and still four years after the divorce displays their wedding pictures and often talks about her.
I’m concerned that he hasn’t been able to let go because of his family’s relationship with her; his family’s desire for them to reconcile; his ex-wife’s "needs" of him, and his desire to cling to her kids. Because of this I find myself more each day resenting his marriage to her, his relationship to her now, his family’s inability to let go and the fact that he’s my first everything and to him I’m his first nothing.
How much of a relationship should I be willing to tolerate and how should I handle my relationship with him under these circumstances? I know my resentment is not healthy but I don’t want to end my otherwise wonderful relationship with him.
Your man has a relationship with his ex-wife and her children that he obviously wants to continue. There are all kinds of “families,” and many of them include ex-wives, ex-husbands, and their children. Apparently, that’s the kind of family you’re getting into. If you’re not willing to be a part of that, then you should find another man.
Your man feels he has a responsibility to his ex and her kids, and it’s quite possible that they will be a part of his life as long as he lives. If you want to have a relationship with him and maybe even marry him in the future, you really will have to accept having his ex in your life, at least for now. It’s very possible that she will find someone else and stop calling so often, but she won’t disappear entirely.
If being first is important to you, then concentrate on the firsts that are still available. You could be the first woman he stays with forever. You could be with him on his first twentieth anniversary. You could have his first biological child.
Consider the advantages of not being “first” in everything. You aren’t part of his first divorce. You’re not the first woman to tell him to take the trash out, wash the car, or put the toilet seat down. You have a man who’s been broken in and trained. He’s willing to be helpful around the house and has learned what not to do in a relationship as well as what to do.
Instead of constantly worrying about what you won’t have, start to think about what you can have. Sure, his ex is too friendly. Instead of trying to get rid of her, become her friend. Step into their relationship and become a part of it. Let her know that if she wants him she gets you too. That may make her think twice about wanting him around all the time.
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I am 24 years old and have been married for four years. I was a virgin at the time I was married. The only kind of orgasm I have ever been able to have is clitoral. I have tried everything with my husband to have a regular orgasm during intercourse and don't even come close. I have no feeling other then my clitoris. I've had my my hormones tested by my doctor and even saw a counselor as he advised in case it was a mental block. Nothing has helped. I feel like a failure as a wife because my husband doesn't get the satisfaction of pleasing me with his penis. I just want to enjoy normal love making. I find sex frustrating because even though my husband climaxes every time we have sex, most of the time I don't. I feel like I'm all alone, and that no other women I have talked to have this problem. Any advice for me on what I can try?
Sincerely, Frustrated wife
Dear Frustrated Wife,
You’re frustrated and upset because you’ve bought into the myth that only a vaginal orgasm counts. That’s utterly ridiculous. Many many women don’t have vaginal orgasms and require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. Other women need both vaginal and clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. That doesn’t mean that their orgasm is any less valid or any less pleasurable or any less of an orgasm.
An orgasm is an orgasm and it doesn’t matter how you get there. Vaginal orgasms are not the “regular” or “normal” orgasm some men would love to believe they are.
What a crock for your husband to say your orgasm isn’t valid because you didn’t get it wholly from his penis. It’s your husband, not you, who has the problem. He should realize that stimulating a woman’s clitoris during intercourse is one of the best ways to give her an orgasm. If he doesn’t, show him this.
Tell your husband it’s okay to please you with his finger, his tongue, or anything else he can please you with. The important part is that you are pleased, not what he does it with.
I think too many men have bought into the porn fantasy – that all they have to do is in and out and a woman has an orgasm.
If your husband refuses to stimulate your clitoris, enjoy normal lovemaking and have an orgasm every time by stimulating your own clitoris during sex. Use your hand or buy a vibrator. Be happy you can have an orgasm at all, any way, and enjoy your sex life.
Loving Crazy Ladies
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I bought your book and it is fantastic. Thank you so much.
I am a male, 48 years old...never married. There are good reasons for never being married but I won't go into that in this email. It really is a long story. If you want....I'd be glad to write back and tell you the story.
I have a history of attracting "Witches, Bitches & Crazy Ladies" (mostly crazy ladies) and your book has been a great turning point for me. But....I'd like to know more. Do you have any more info on Crazy Ladies? Are there any more books written about them?
Finally, seeing that I attract these kinds of women, how do I now love? I don't want to attract these kinds of women anymore....but then I don't want to keep having to push them away anymore and then breakup and experience that hell. I always end up breaking up with them....because....well, they're crazy!
Then I feel like crap and sincerely wonder if it was my fault and/or if I'll ever really be able to love someone.
I also think I have some commitment phobia....but then I don't want to be with a crazy woman either. So...I end up breaking up with them. But can they ALL be crazy?? (that I'm attracting)
My big question is...how do I love now? I am doing all your book says...and will continue to do so. But I want to learn how love too. And....as crazy as this may sound....I'm wondering if it is at all possible to "make lemonade" and love a crazy woman? Or...am I starting over now in finding a new type of woman all together?
Thank you for your time.
Dear Crazy Lady Lover,
If you have a history of attracting “crazy ladies,” it’s because you’re attracted to them as well. Ask yourself what you get out of being with a crazy lady.
Is it a way to avoid commitment? You know you’d never marry a crazy lady and trust her with your checkbook and children, so choosing crazy ladies keeps you safe from commitment.
Or are you attracted to crazy ladies because your life is boring and they create excitement for you? One dubious advantage of crazy ladies is that they provide a soap opera which keeps you entertained, and you never have to figure out what you really want in life.
There hasn’t been a lot written about crazy ladies that I know of beyond my book, “Manpower,” but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something out there.
What you should do now is really concentrate on finding a woman who isn’t crazy. Women are not all crazy. But it is possible that you could be finding women who have a latent craziness, just waiting to come out. She tries a little of it with you, and instead of saying, “Hey, that’s crazy, don’t do that,” you pretend her crazy behavior is okay in order not to rock the boat (or because you really like it). That gives her the message that you’ll put up with crazy behavior and even tempts her to act crazier, just to see what she can get away with.
So it’s quite possible you could be pushing a woman to act even crazier by your behavior. Forget “making lemonade” and loving a crazy woman. Find someone really sane to love and maybe you’ll even find a lifetime mate.