"Ask Dr. Tracy"

10/6/96 Advice Column

Bisexual Trouble,
She's Too Young
Dance Teacher's Darling

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am straight, my husband is bi-sexual. We are looking for a similar couple to pal around with. No sex. Am I asking for trouble?

Dear Asking for Trouble,

Yes, you're asking for trouble (as if you didn't know).

If I were you, I'd call off this search right away. After all, you have everything to lose and nothing to gain by finding another couple where the man is bi. What you need is a straight couple to pal around with, someone who won't set off your husband's bi-side.

If you believe the "no sex" part, you're a real sucker -- no pun intended! Even if you miraculously stay clear of sex with this other couple you're looking for, the sexual vibes will be like decibels at a rock concert whenever you're together with them.

Yes, it's trouble. You're already playing Russian Roulette by having a bisexual husband. Why would you deliberately put a second bullet in the gun?

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My girlfriend and I lived together for four years, then broke up two years ago. I met her when I was 35 and she was 19, we fell madly in love instantly and lived in a honeymoon for over three years. Then the outside world crept back in to our lives, and she grew very dissatisfied with what she was doing, or rather not doing, with her life. She felt that the only way she could be herself was to leave. (Most of this I didn't know until lately, she couldn't talk about her issues then.) A major issue: I have a daughter, I'm a part time Dad on weekends. This was a source of jealousy for her, she was miserable on weekends and happy on weekdays. I realized she was young and immature, I knew she had to grow, and I am committed to staying close to my daughter while she is growing up, so I finally stopped trying to convince my girlfriend to stay.

Early this year, she called again, we had lunch, and she said she wanted to get back together with me. To my very great surprise, I fell madly in love with her all over again. I think that I never really stopped loving her, never stopped wanting her. I now feel she is The True Love of My Life. We started talking marriage and children, something I had not agreed to before due to her jealousy over my daughter. She now appreciates my commitment to my daughter. I want children with her, I feel our relationship will last the rest of our lives once we can learn how to resolve our differences.

She told me right away that she was going to England to study for a year. Later this year she said that she wants to be single for a couple more years, date other guys, but she is not looking for another Big Romance, I am that man to her, she says our connection is very deep. I am a "real man" to her, others she has met over the past two years don't measure up. When she thinks of marriage and children, I am the man she wants. Since then I have convinced her to not go with other men until she has made up her mind about me, if nothing else out of respect for my feelings.

What can I do to maximize the liklihood she will return? I figure the chances are in my favor, but not overwhelming. What can I do to show her she can be strong and self-confident with me? She agrees that we get on famously, we never fight, we can spend hours, days, together and it seems like minutes, back then as well as now. I feel that we are soul mates, she has said so as well.

I am sick with longing and worry that she won't ever come back. What can I do to cope in the meantime?

Dear Older Man,

You should back way off and leave this young woman to explore the world. If she decides she wants to be with you, let her make that decision without the pressure of someone almost twice her age pushing her. Besides, she's in another country; what makes you think you can prevent her from meeting and going out with other men?

I'd suggest you both date people your own age while you're apart, just to see what it's like. You may think you can "resolve your differences," but how will you resolve your age difference when she's still sexy and full of womanhood and you're a napping 65-year-old? Let her go, and if this relationship is meant to be, if you are really soulmates, she'll find her way back to you.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have been taking ballroom dancing for a year now. My dance teacher is 22 years old and I am 32. I fell head over heels in love with this guy from our first lesson. During our hourly lesson we are joking around and having a good time. At times he calls me affectionate names like honey. I am not really sure if he is just being nice to me so that I take more lessons or he really truly is interested. I don't want to make things ackward.

Dear Dance Teacher's Darling,

If your teacher's like most ballroom dance teachers, flirting is part of his job. "Darling," "Sweetheart" and other affectionate names drip from their tongues like honey, but shouldn't be taken seriously. That's part of his job -- keeping you happy. After all, you're more likely to go back each week if you think your teacher likes you.

If you want to find out whether his interest is merely to keep you dancing, which I suspect it is, just stop taking the lessons. Then give him a chance to call you for a date. If he calls about more lessons, tell him you just can't afford it right now. See if he still wants to call you honey.

Assuming you want to find someone and get into a committed relationship, I'm concerned that you've wasted a crucial year of your life letting wishful thinking overrule your common sense. If you do really want to find someone, I suggest you read "Are You Looking or Waiting?" in my Library.

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