12/7/97 Advice Column
She started taking birth control pills the first time we had foreplay & I am fairly convinced through discussions with her that she's not taking them to any health-related reason (hormonal balancing, for example). So it seems apparent to me that becoming sexually active is on her mind. I let her know that when she's ready to have intercourse, and if she chooses me to be her first partner, all she has to do is ask. And because I don't want to put any pressure on her, I promised her I would never ask her to have intercourse.
Here is the problem:
Knowing that she's considering becoming sexually active and knowing that I'm in a prime position to be her first, I am in a moral dilema. I haven't known her long enough to make any judgements as to how long I want to be with her, but so far my gut feeling says that this won't be a permanent relationship. If I allow the intimacy to continue to build and if I am eventually asked the question, I think my morals would tell me to not have intercourse with her. There is a chance though that she's not concerned with who her first partner is in relation to her long term goals. Unfortunately, I think I've pretty much closed the doors on any discussion of the issue because of my politeness. I realize that may have been a mistake and I'm not sure of a way around it.
And here's the questions:
If I should talk more with her about this, how can I tactfully open up the discussions again without breaking my promise?
If I choose to wait until she opens the discussion, should I at that time discuss my intentions regarding the relationship?
Thanks for any words of advice you can offer.
Then, if knowing that you're not exactly committed to her, she decides that she would like you to be her first, you should be kind, considerate, gentle and flattered. Under no circumstances should you have sex with her without her having an understanding of your intentions.
It's not unusual for a woman to fall madly in love with her first lover. Certainly she remembers him and the first time forever. Don't louse up this memory for her by being a jerk.
Certainly you can talk more about your feelings for her or lack of feelings without talking about having sex with her. Frankly, I suspect you're enjoying the intimacy, the oral sex, the titillation of perhaps having a virgin, and you're afraid that if you tell her your real feelings, she'll cut you off.
That's your real moral dilemma: Tell her the truth and perhaps give up your sex play and future virgin fantasies, or keep up the sincere routine and keep enjoying the goodies. Hardly a dilemna at all for a moral man. You've done the right thing so far by being concerned and raising these questions. Continue to do the right thing and let her know how you really feel.
Good Luck,
Dr. Tracy
Confused and hurt
The good news and the bad news about marrying later is that people don't change as much when they're older. They're more constant in their affections and more reliable, but they also usually keep doing whatever they've been doing. So he'll probably keep masturbating, and that's no big deal, except that you're making it a big deal.
Maybe you should try masturbating too. Get a video of your own. Buy a vibrator. Then, you two can have sex as often as you want. He may get reinterested if he feels that you're not pressuring him or trying to take something away from him -- his video masturbation. You might also want to read "Spicing Up Your Sex Life" in my Library for ideas on how to get him more interested in more sex.
Just because you're married to someone doesn't mean that you get to dictate their behavior. Itmeans you love them, not that you're their boss. Everyone is responsible for his or her own orgasm and sexual pleasures. If he's taking care of his own pleasures, you should do the same.
Good luck,
Dr. Tracy
She has told me that she hasn't had sex with her husband in 9 months. She says she isn't interested in having sex with him, but they do other things together. She recently told me that she likes woman, but doesn't know if she would ever sleep with one. She thinks Ellen DeGeneres is the greatest woman.
Is this my imagination or is she attracted to me? Because she's married - I'm confused.
I've asked her if she is attracted to me, but I haven't got much of a response.
Thank you for your help.
Your married friend certainly shows all the signs of being attracted to you, and she obviously knows your sexual orientation. If she were not interested, she wouldn't be leaning against you, flirting with you, and getting close. Nor would she run her fingers through your hair and give you "the look."
Your married friend isn't unusual. More than half of all women have fantasies about making love to another woman. They wonder about the softness and gentleness that another woman can bring to lovemaking. They dream about lesbian encounters, and some even try one.
That doesn't mean they're lesbians or at all willing to make a commitment to a lesbian lifestyle. It means they're curious.
I imagine that sometime, when the circumstances feel right, you'll share an intimacy or two with this married woman friend that will tell you whether to go further. The thing to remember though, is that for her it may be an experiment, not a lifestyle change. You could wind up with a broken heart here, so be careful.
Good luck,
Dr. Tracy
Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"
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