"Ask Dr. Tracy"

12/7/97 Advice Column


Dear Dr. Tracy,

It's been 10 years since I met someone who even remotely interested me that was a virgin. I'm 25 and she's 23. She was very clear in letting me know before our virst sexual meeting that she had no intentions of having intercourse, and have had no problem with that so far because she has been able to satisfy me through other means such as oral sex.

She started taking birth control pills the first time we had foreplay & I am fairly convinced through discussions with her that she's not taking them to any health-related reason (hormonal balancing, for example). So it seems apparent to me that becoming sexually active is on her mind. I let her know that when she's ready to have intercourse, and if she chooses me to be her first partner, all she has to do is ask. And because I don't want to put any pressure on her, I promised her I would never ask her to have intercourse.

Here is the problem:

Knowing that she's considering becoming sexually active and knowing that I'm in a prime position to be her first, I am in a moral dilema. I haven't known her long enough to make any judgements as to how long I want to be with her, but so far my gut feeling says that this won't be a permanent relationship. If I allow the intimacy to continue to build and if I am eventually asked the question, I think my morals would tell me to not have intercourse with her. There is a chance though that she's not concerned with who her first partner is in relation to her long term goals. Unfortunately, I think I've pretty much closed the doors on any discussion of the issue because of my politeness. I realize that may have been a mistake and I'm not sure of a way around it.

And here's the questions:

If I should talk more with her about this, how can I tactfully open up the discussions again without breaking my promise?

If I choose to wait until she opens the discussion, should I at that time discuss my intentions regarding the relationship?

Thanks for any words of advice you can offer.

Dear Virgin Lover,

In order to be perfectly clear, you should tell your virgin about your feelings. Let her know that she shouldn't count on a longtime relationship with you, if that's how it is. After all, she let you know that you shouldn't count on a sexual relationship with her. Fair's fair.

Then, if knowing that you're not exactly committed to her, she decides that she would like you to be her first, you should be kind, considerate, gentle and flattered. Under no circumstances should you have sex with her without her having an understanding of your intentions.

It's not unusual for a woman to fall madly in love with her first lover. Certainly she remembers him and the first time forever. Don't louse up this memory for her by being a jerk.

Certainly you can talk more about your feelings for her or lack of feelings without talking about having sex with her. Frankly, I suspect you're enjoying the intimacy, the oral sex, the titillation of perhaps having a virgin, and you're afraid that if you tell her your real feelings, she'll cut you off.

That's your real moral dilemma: Tell her the truth and perhaps give up your sex play and future virgin fantasies, or keep up the sincere routine and keep enjoying the goodies. Hardly a dilemna at all for a moral man. You've done the right thing so far by being concerned and raising these questions. Continue to do the right thing and let her know how you really feel.

Good Luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have been married to a wonderful man for six months and we lived together for nine months before that. He is 40 and I am 37. We make love 1-2 times a week. I would like 3-4 times a week. However I was content, thinking this was all he was interested in. About 6 weeks ago, I caught him masturbating. I hadn't a clue! It turns out he was doing himself the rest of the week. We have talked about this and he says he loves me and has physical desire for me, but is not interested in having sex with me more than 1-2 per week. How can I get my husband more interested. He's very conservative, won't have sex with me outside of the bedroom and is not at all interested in doing anything kinky. He masturbates while watching erotic vidoes of other people having sex. I have asked if we can watch them together and been told no. Can you help me?

Confused and hurt

Dear Confused and Hurt,

Surely during the 9 months you lived together you knew how often you and your future husband had sex. You didn't go from seven nights a week to two. If you were content with two times a week before, why not be content with it now?

The good news and the bad news about marrying later is that people don't change as much when they're older. They're more constant in their affections and more reliable, but they also usually keep doing whatever they've been doing. So he'll probably keep masturbating, and that's no big deal, except that you're making it a big deal.

Maybe you should try masturbating too. Get a video of your own. Buy a vibrator. Then, you two can have sex as often as you want. He may get reinterested if he feels that you're not pressuring him or trying to take something away from him -- his video masturbation. You might also want to read "Spicing Up Your Sex Life" in my Library for ideas on how to get him more interested in more sex.

Just because you're married to someone doesn't mean that you get to dictate their behavior. Itmeans you love them, not that you're their boss. Everyone is responsible for his or her own orgasm and sexual pleasures. If he's taking care of his own pleasures, you should do the same.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 36 year old lesbian (totally out) who works very closely with a 31 year old married woman. We are almost like best friends. We think a lot alike, we have shared a lot of personal information with each other and we get along great. Over the past several months, I have begun to wonder if she is attracted to me. I wonder this because of certain things she has said and done such as: putting her arm around me, sitting right up against me in restaurants, leaning against me while we are together somewhere, calling me while she is in the bathtub with candles lite all around her, running her fingers through my newly cut hair, telling me I am very special to her, teasing me, saying cute things to me, stopping and looking into my eyes, tripping and falling into my lap, being extremely nice to me - never mean and being very attentive.

She has told me that she hasn't had sex with her husband in 9 months. She says she isn't interested in having sex with him, but they do other things together. She recently told me that she likes woman, but doesn't know if she would ever sleep with one. She thinks Ellen DeGeneres is the greatest woman.

Is this my imagination or is she attracted to me? Because she's married - I'm confused.

I've asked her if she is attracted to me, but I haven't got much of a response.

Thank you for your help.

Dear Totally Out,

Of course a married woman can be attracted to a lesbian. Just as a single woman can.

Your married friend certainly shows all the signs of being attracted to you, and she obviously knows your sexual orientation. If she were not interested, she wouldn't be leaning against you, flirting with you, and getting close. Nor would she run her fingers through your hair and give you "the look."

Your married friend isn't unusual. More than half of all women have fantasies about making love to another woman. They wonder about the softness and gentleness that another woman can bring to lovemaking. They dream about lesbian encounters, and some even try one.

That doesn't mean they're lesbians or at all willing to make a commitment to a lesbian lifestyle. It means they're curious.

I imagine that sometime, when the circumstances feel right, you'll share an intimacy or two with this married woman friend that will tell you whether to go further. The thing to remember though, is that for her it may be an experiment, not a lifestyle change. You could wind up with a broken heart here, so be careful.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

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