11/1/98 Advice Column
In a fantasy, everything is perfect and everybody does exactly what the fantasizer wants them to do. In reality, when you get four different people together, they have four different agendas, four different ideas about exactly how the fantasy should be lived out. So fantasies involving more than two people are very difficult if not impossible to make come true.
Before you go ahead and find two men to have sex with your wife, you'd have to make sure they can both have erections on demand with someone (you) watching. Then you'd have to find out exactly what your wife expects everyone to do, and while you're enjoying watching, you'd have to make sure they're all doing their job. I wonder if you've really thought this thing through.
Then of course there's the danger that your wife will decide she really has to have this fantasy, with one or both of those particular man, over and over again -- what would you do then?
Some fantasies are best if they're left to the imagination.
Anyhow, I read one of your articles that suggested that after a break-up one may choose to write a letter to his/her ex for a sence of therapy, explaining their thoughts, but to never mail the letter. Well, just recently I sat down, composed a 10 page letter, and spilled my thoughts out onto the paper. The letter mostly identified my thoughts as to what happened to us over the 8 year period, and I listed the things he did through the years that hurt me (broke my heart). Basically I got everything off of my chest and onto the paper. One thing I must tell you is that we had the worst problem with communicating with one another, and I think that was one of our biggest problems. Therefore much of the information that was on the paper would be news to him.
Finally to my question - You stated in your article "Do not mail the letter", but I can't help it, I want to seal the envelope, add postage and get it on it's way to him sooo bad. Oh ya! I also made some confessions in the letter, of times that I strayed and he never knew of. I know these should probably remain a secret, but I have to get it out in the open and off of my chest. I can't deal with the horrible thoughts any longer. So in my situation, would you consider sending the letter, or keep it tucked away for a rainy day?
If you're dying to get your message across, make an appointment to see him in person and get everything out in the open verbally. But do not send the letter. That letter may express your feelings today, but ten or twenty years from now, when you're running for Senator in your State, would you want that letter published in the newspaper? Of course not. But once you've sent a letter to someone, there's no knowing what effect it will have on the person, what they'll eventually do with it, and where it may show up.
The only way to really know if your message gets across is to say it in person, where you can watch the person's face and gauge their reaction. You can get the same sense of relief without anything embarrassing being left behind in writing.
I also suggest that you write a hate list, too, and post it prominently so that you can remember all the negative things he did as well. Then, when you feel sad, remind yourself of why you're not with him by referring to the hate list.
Eight years is a long time to be with someone, and you will both probably be a part of each other's life memories for a long time. However, he's going on with his life, and so should you. Start searching for a new man right away. The safest and most non-threatening way to break back into dating is by visiting one of the popular internet dating sites like match.com, americansingles, or christiansingles.com. There you can browse available men and find one who you might like without ever having to actually meet or go to a single's party if you don't want to.
Whatever you do, don't send that letter. I have letters I wrote to ex-boyfriends and didn't mail, and today, I'm embarrassed to read them myself. I guarantee you, five years from now you'll feel differently.
Lately I can't get enough of him. I jump on line to find him there, he's been there for me when the stress was to much to take in real life. He makes me laugh, feel good inside and I don't know just to cut things short...I think I'm falling in love with him. I don't want to ruin my real life marriage, and lose everything to a fantasy, but he wants to meet me, on my terms that is. He's so nice and caring, he said if I decide I'm not ready then he understands and the relationship on line will continue. I don't know -- I'm so lost, I love my husband and daughter with all my heart and soul, if I was single I'd meet him in a heartbeat, but I'm not, help me on this one PLEASE, I don't want to lose him either!
But in real life there's no editor. All the extra words, the unloving looks, the stresses and strains of everyday life are there, and the funny things that make you laugh only come once in a while.
Of course you should stop this right away. Tell "the gentleman" that "married ladies" don't have intimate relationships with men on line or anywhere else. If he wants to have a relationship, insist that he have a normal friendship with both you and your husband. If you're hesitant to insist on that, there's even more reason for you to stop this dangerous liaison. Whatever you do, do not meet him alone.
You're not single. Men, married or single, on line or on the street, are off limits to you. Sure there are lots of guys you could meet if you were single. But you're not. So why risk a perfectly fine marriage and family for a stranger who makes you laugh?
You can easily become addicted to an online relationship. To break this addiction, like any other, you have to quit cold turkey. It's hard, and you'll be sad for awhile, but you'll get over it.
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