12/14/97 Advice Column
But the problem is, I'm liking it. What should I do?
Tell your father that you insist he shape up and start behaving like a father, not a sex object. Tell him you want him to wear clothes, shut the door when he goes to the bathroom, and keep his hands off you. And mean it.
If you can't get out of your dad's way sexually, then move out. Go live with your mother. Or get a job and move into your own place.
For starters we met online 5 months ago. I am ten years older than he is. I'm 34 and he is 24. We met in person within two weeks of our first on-line encounters, basically fell in love at first sight and due to circumstances as opposed to wisdom we moved in with one another almost right away. He moved to my city, into my house, eventually found work, but much of that time I have been the major bread-winner and a very debt-ridden one at that. The financial pressures of supporting both of us is really starting to have a negative impact on me and our relationship. I tend to worry about money alot anyways. Now my worries are ten-fold what they were and he just doesn't seem to "get it."
I know the subject is coming up far too often and I am beginning to sound like a broken record. I have turned into the nag that I never wanted to become. In the few months we have been together he has managed to pretty much re-build his computer while I have been paying almost all of our living expenses. In all of that time I may have spent a couple hundred dollars on myself. Beyond that, the debts (all under my name) are stacking up. If he walked away tomorrow I would be in a fine mess. I want to believe his reassurances that he's in this for the long haul and that he will start to pay his fair share but I don't know how much longer I can wait until he really does start paying. He has gone without for a long time and I hate depriving him of anything, but our long-term security depends on a total change in his behaviour and soon. How can I get him to face this without attacking him? I need a new approach to this problem as I am even getting tired of hearing myself whine and complain. I can only imagine what he must think/feel when I get on this subject everyday... Please help me turn things around. I would love to have some new input. Thanks.
Sit down with Mr. Wonderful and show him the books. What's coming in and what's going out, and discuss with him which part of the expenses he's going to pay and how. This is not at all the same situation as a wife supporting her husband when he's been laid off or if they mutually agree he should go back to college for an advanced degree. You only met this guy 5 months ago. If he's looking to you to support him, I'm deeply suspicious.
You absolutely need to know if you're just a meal ticket for him. You must find out once and for all if he's going to participate in the bill paying. Don't attack him, simply show him the figures. Set a deadline for him to meet this obligation. And don't buy the line that he's not making enough money, etc. If you're going in debt to pay the bills, why shouldn't he do the same? Tell him if he's not earning enough to carry his own weight, he'll have to share the pain and borrow money from family or friends or wherever to pitch in.
If he still won't or can't pay his fair share of the expenses, you will have confirmed your worst fears -- but at least you'll know. Actually, women occasionally decide to swallow their pride and flush their self-esteem and "keep" a man. Hopefully you won't face that choice, but if you do, I advise you to break up with the deadbeat and find a guy with a job. Believe me, there are a lot of nice guys out there.
Should I not see her for awhile and wait for her to call me when she's ready or not so frustrated? She also talks about her ex-boyfriend that she dated for 6 years. I realize that this is a long time and it will take almost as long to put that behind her. She was raised with mostly boys, so she doesn't show too many emotions and she tells me that she doesn't. Am I thinking too much of this, am I wrong to feel this way about her. Should I just wait it out. I have a hard time focusing at work because I do think about her and our relationship so much. I've tried finding some books pertaining to this, but most of them are geared towards women in this situation. Do you have any suggestions? Sorry for spilling my feelings like this, I normally don't, but I guess I'm just really confused.
If you keep bothering her all the time, she's going to start feeling like the alien is on her and she can't get it off. Stop talking about "the relationship" all the time and stop talking about your feelings. Stop trying to solve all her problems and stop giving her all your attention. Don't call her so often. Stop giving her presents and stop taking her on expensive outings.
Read "Why People Love" in my Library immediately, and then get my book, "Manpower, How To Win The Woman You Want," to find out more about how much to give and how soon. This woman is giving you messages to back off in every way she knows how. You're smothering her, and the flames of this love will blink out totally if you don't stop.
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