"Ask Dr. Tracy"

10/20/96 Advice Column

Vibrator Madness,
Poet in Love,
Net Dating Dilemma

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Hi, I'm a 41 yr old married female and I masturbate often. My question is this, lately I've been using a vibrator to masturbate with and find it extremely enjoyable. I've heard that using a vibrator can be habit forming and could take away from the pleasure I get from my husband. Is this true? As you can understand, I can't ask anyone else about this.

Dear Vibrator Addict,

Sometimes, when you're feeling horny, anxious or just wanting a break, masturbation is the best answer, and a vibrator is the most efficient masturbation tool ever. Why not avail yourself of whatever technology is available to give youself pleasure?

Sure, using a vibrator can be habit forming because you become addicted to the source of your pleasure just like a junkie gets addicted to a drug. But a vibrator isn't a dangerous addiction, especially if you use one that's not inserted, or don't try to insert one that's too hard.

For many women, a vibrator makes them more easily orgasmic than before. Instead of letting it take away from the pleasure you have with your husband, let the vibrator add to your lovemaking. Vibrating during intercourse can make you more excited and multi-orgasmic. Most men get more pleasure from a woman who is really enjoying the sex. Her orgasms turn him on. For maximum vibrator and lover pleasures, try doggie style, slipping the vibrator underneath and vibrating your clitoris while he's making love to you from behind.

Also, it sounds like you might be ready to explore "Spicing up your Sex Life" in my Library.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I've written a poem for her now which I hope she'll consider.. I'd like your opinion on it if I may... Here it is...

The days they have unfolded
hence I write this dreary rhyme
Because it seems that I've been shouldered
and your love's no longer mine.

Things were just as good as gold,
Your smile spread warmth throughout my mind.
But now my thoughts are turning cold
I'm feeling icy chills run down my spine.

I had the highest hopes for us
and then i watched them shattered..
My mind was mixed-up in frantic rush
but now my thoughts are gathered..

Faith in you keeps hope alive,
that yet you'll see things through.
My heart begins to pump and thrive,
When good thoughts are turned to you...

What do you think?

Dear Poet,

Never, ever, write things down and deliver them. It's okay to write something down to get it off your mind, but don't send it. I'm afraid your poem's meter is off and, overall, it sounds like the overly emotional rantings of the broken hearted. It could backfire with her or come back to haunt you. Someday you could be really embarrassed by it.

Let's say you fall in love with someone else. I know that seems impossible now, but believe me, it could happen. It happened to me. I once wrote a poem to an elusive boyfriend. He showed it to everybody and people still remind me of it, more than 15 years later.

If you read "Letting Go" in my Library, you'll see that writing a "last love letter" is a recommended step in getting over a broken heart. Just don't send it.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Here's my dilemna. A good female friend and I are using the same dating services on the net. We live in the same area, are about the same age and are looking for the same thing in a man. Problem is we have ended up e-mailing the same guy several times. This doesn't particularly bother me, it does her. Should we not give names and details to one another regarding people we're corresponding with? Should we join different online dating services? Once one or the other has dated him, does he become off limits for the other? Any ideas on how to deal with this situation, it's been detrimental to our friendship.

Dear Net Dater,

You and your friend are definitely looking for trouble in your relationship with each other. Try using different dating services. There are so many on the Net (see our links, for starters). There's Match.com, American Singles, Christian Singles, Jewish Singles, etc.

Or you could trade off, using different ones for a month or two, and then switching. Or you could put in different criteria. Certainly you have different tastes and desires in some critical aspect of man-wanting. Like religion, kids, hobbies, belief systems. If not, trade criteria every month or two. For instance, for one or two months you only search for men under 6', and she only searches for over 6'. Or you only search for blue eyes and blond hair and she searches for dark eyes and dark hair. That way you'll get different men.

Keeping who you're dating a secret from your good friend is neither practical or fun. Actually, sharing names and details with your friend can clear up who belongs to who. To keep things clear between you, don't date someone after your friend has dated him, unless she absolutely says, "I don't want him, so why don't you take him?"

Submitting a Question to this column

We regret that it isn't possible for Dr. Tracy to answer all of the hundreds of questions submitted to this column each week. Dr. Tracy selects the three questions which are of the most general interest to the visitors here.

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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