"Ask Dr. Tracy"

10/27/96 Advice Column

Lonely Beautiful Blonde,
The Ex in her Life,
Lousy Sex

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have been divorced for a year and have just recently ended my first relationship after I divorced. I am learning about myself, happy now, and attractive. My problem is that many men ask me out, but I just don't feel any chemistry and therefore, I just want to be friends. I know that maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, but I feel that I have to feel attracted to him first and then get to know him to see if I want to persue him for a relationship. I know that men want to get to know me because of my physical appearance, tall, blond, and slender - so am I looking for something that I'll never find if I really want the physical chemistry first? I have a lot of men "friends" that are always hinting around to me on how they feel, but I'm not attracted to any of them! Please help me!

Dear Alone,

The problem for women like you who constantly attract men is that the men are doing the choosing. Sure, you get to pick between the ones who step forward, but what about the cool guy who in the corner who's decided not to get in line? He might be just the one who turns out to turn you on.

You're not accustomed to sticking your long thin self out on a limb and actually choosing the man who looks good to you -- probably because you're too busy dealing with that line of guys. Making the first move is what you must do, though, and the scary part is that the tables will be turned. The guy will have the opportunity to reject you -- a new position for a tall, slender, blonde who's maybe never been rejected before.

You may get the guy you want, or not. But you will at least be pretty sure he turns you on physically, because you will have chosen him for his attractiveness. You can then go on to find out if his personality is just as attractive. Or, if you're rejected, you'll learn empathy for those men who choose you and whom you reject. You can hardly lose.

It's okay to go for physical chemistry first. There is a danger in that, though. You could be so overwhelmed with physical attraction that you put up with him, even if he's not the nicest guy in the world. Handsome men tend to be spoiled, so be careful. It's also okay to be attracted to "the inner man." Sometimes, as you get to know a man, he becomes more physically attractive to you.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Well. I've been dating a girl. She's divorced, has already a kid. I dont really see a problem about that, in fact a relally like the kid, and I actually don't care about her condition (divorced),. But the problem is that she doesn't forget her just broke up marriage, she's always remembering all the bad things, her ex-husband did to her, and she claims some of the guilt to me. she gets angry with me, when her ex calls her and tells her some bad things, that he will take the kid from her, and so on. So it's getting some sort of difficult to manage this situation because I hold no blame of her divorce, how can I help her or help myself in this situation, because I really care for her, and I don't want to lose her, she's, in a word wonderfull, when she's not angry with her ex. thaks/.

Dear Divorcee Lover,

A divorce always leaves a woman feeling depressed and angry, especially if the ex is still stirring up her life. Divorce is a little like death, and the feelings after a divorce go through similar stages. First there's denial, then depression, then anger and finally acceptance.

Actually, the fact that your girlfriend is angry with her ex is a good sign. That's healthier than being depressed, which happens when the anger is turned inward toward oneself instead of the person who deserves it. Eventually, things will settle down, but she may harbor anger towards him for many years to come.

I'd suggest you explain to her that everytime she gets angry, he wins. He's not upset, she is. She's letting her blood pressure and stress levels zoom, which may cause her physical damage in the long term.

When she becomes upset, sympathize and separate yourself at the same time. Tell her you agree he's a jerk. You'll stand by her and help her battle her ex, and the best way to do battle is in a calm manner so that you can think strategically. Make her enemy yours. Accept the battle as part of your life if you want to be with her. Be on her side. Also tell her that some men act like that, but you never would.

Don't be upset. Lots of women have ex's and feel exactly the same way. Take her to see "The First Wives Club." Help her get some perspective on the situation.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have a wonderfuly sweet and kind boyfriend who I love with all my heart! The problem that I come to you with is sex...I feel like I am always giving and I don't get too much in return in this department. Many times I go to bed frustrated and crying. He tells me how incredible I am and how much he loves me quite often, I really think he just doesn't understand that an intimate relationship is not about just satisfying the man. Sometimes the sex is great but only if I just happen to have an orgasm before or while he does. If not, he will do nothing to ensure my pleasure after he is through. This is getting so frustrating and upsetting for me that I often question the relationship over it, but this is the ONLY thing that I am unhappy with. He is a wonderful man! Please don't tell me to try leaving articles around or guiding him to what I like or trying oils or creams...I have tried all of this! Please help. Also, it seems that I want sex much more frequently than he does. Is this odd?

Dear Frustrated,

Your boyfriend sounds fine, except for the little problem of sex, which shouldn't be ignored. As with anything in a relationship, if you feel like you're giving too much and not getting enough in return, the answer is to either give less or negotiate to get more.

Since you want more sex, not less, and he won't take hints, your only option is to negotiate with him -- before sex. The next time he wants nookie, tell him great, except that he'll have to agree to five minutes of afterplay. Or that if you have sex tonight, say a Tuesday, you want an agreement that you'll also have sex on Thursday, or some other time that's sooner that he might otherwise want. Men respond to deals, contracts and negotiations, and honorable men will keep their agreements. And a horny man will agree to almost anything.

As for your orgasm, everyone is responsible for his or her own orgasm. If you're not having one, negotiate about that, too. For instance, "That sounds great, let's play, but I want to use my vibrator while we do." Or, "Let's go, but I want five minutes of foreplay, okay?"

And for some ideas beyond oils and creams, try reading "Spicing up your Sex Life" in my Library.

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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