"Ask Dr. Tracy"

11/5/2000 Advice Column

Getting Him Back
Hot for Her Boss
To Call or Not to Call, That is The Question

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 29 year old woman who was, until last week, dating a 30 year old recent divorcee. I guess my first mistake was believing him when he said I wasn't "rebound girl." I met him only a couple of months after his wife moved out of their house, but he told me that their relationship "had been over for a long time" and that they hadn't even slept together in over a year. I really liked him and we seemed to be very compatible on everything, so I chose to believe him and we continued to see each other quite seriously for nearly a year. In all that time I can only remember fighting with him twice; our sex life was great, we always had things to talk about, we liked to do a lot of the same things. Then I went away to Europe for a couple of weeks and when I came home he sat me down and he said, "I've always been in one relationship or another since I was 17 and I really think I need to find out what it's like to be on my own." So suddenly I was single again, and until then I really, really believed that I had found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

I guess I don't have to tell you how devastated I was. Though he says he doesn't love me I know he at least has some feelings for me because he had to take time off work to help him "cope" with our breakup, and only a few days after we split he brought some stuff over to my place and then he took me out to dinner even though he said it was "dangerous" for us to be socializing so soon after the end of our relationship. I still believe that we are right for each other but I don't know if I want to wait around for him to figure out that "being on his own" isn't really as great as he thinks it is. I'm nearly 30 and I want kids someday, and frankly I feel like I'm running out of time. What to do? Is it possible to win someone back after a breakup like that? If so, how is it done? I can't stand the thought of just sitting back and watching him walk out of my life without trying to do something about it.

Dear Devastated,

Dating a man who's fresh out of his divorce is always a dangerous undertaking. Recently divorced men have special agendas. Some want to play hard and have as many women as possible as quickly as possible to reassure themselves that they're still sexy, desirable and really better off single. Others want to get into another relationship right away to show their ex-wives that they can easily be replaced with another woman, so there!

Freshly divorced men are often still wounded by what they lost in the divorce, accusations that were made, and the unfairness of it all. They aren't ready to get into a real relationship, and the women they date right after the divorce are usually "interim women," women who are filling an emptiness and not really women they want to spend their lives with. These men often don't look around, but instead grab the first woman they see, as a security blanket against loneliness.

So many times, the interim woman is used as a sounding board, listening endlessly to tales of what the ex-wife did wrong, what she took that she didn't deserve, and how the guy was a great husband and the ex wife was a lousy wife. Then, when he feels stronger, when his life is back on a more even keel, and he begins to think he could survive being alone, he dumps the interim woman.

Or, as in your case, he decides he really missed playing around, never got all the loose booty that single guys score, and now he wants it. He probably thinks this is his last time to be a single guy with lots of free sex and single women hanging all over him. That's what he means by "needing to find out what it's like to be on my own."

If he says he doesn't love you, stop trying to convince yourself that he really does have feelings for you. That'll only keep you hooked and stop you from finding someone else. There's only one way to find out if he really can't live without you. Let him go. Let him experience the so-called joys of being single (which we all know are not really that great).

Don't socialize with him. After all, if he can have you and still act single, he'll have it all, and you'll have nothing. Instead, tell him you're going to start dating others. Then do it. Only fear of loss will get a man to come around and realize that he really does care for you, and maybe even loves you. I hear from men all the time who didn't realize how much they cared for a woman until they had lost her.

Then, act happy. Don't act like you're sad that he's not around. When he calls, act as if you're about to go out on the best date of your life. If he thinks you're happy without him, he'll be more likely to worry about losing you. He'll also want to be with you more than if you're a sad sack. He may soon decide that he's had enough time on his own - or maybe not.

In the meantime, you won't be waiting around to see if this tactic works or not. You'll be dating and having fun and perhaps will meet someone who really is perfect, and ready, to have a lifelong relationship with you.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I dont know where to start. I recently got a new job, about two months ago as an Executive Assistant. Within my first week there I found myself being attracted to my boss in a slight way. I am 24 and he is 42, but to me age has never been a big issue. I found him to be funny and to have a really great personality, and we have many things in common.

One night, about 3 weeks ago, I went to our company hockey game to watch my boss and co-workers play. After the game I waited for my boss to tell him that I had a really good time. We talked for an hour in the parking lot and then decided to go hot tubbing. I really didn't expect anything to happen at that point. But then things started to happen durring the course of the evening. Needless to say we ended up sleeping together that night. I don't mind saying that it was the best sex that I had ever had in my life. He did things to me that made me feel like I was going to explode into a million pieces.

I must say that when it comes to sex I am not new to it. I have had my share of partners and the sex has varried with each person, but never had I experienced orgasms like I did with my boss. Perhaps it is because he is older and more experienced. What ever the case, everytime I think about it I get tingles all over my body.

We talked about it after, as he was driving me home, and he told me that he had never slept with an employee before. He told me that he found me to be so attractive that he just couldn't help it. Our working environment has not changed because of any of this. Infact it has made it a little better and we have slept together another 2 times since. My problem though is that now I think I am becomming more attracted to him than I thought I would be. I look at him and I cant help wanting to be with him. And it is not just his looks, it is also his personality and the way he acts. It is beginning to bother me, not at work, but at home when I am not with him. I think about him all the time and I dont even want to look at other guys.

I have been asked out by one of my co-workers who is 26 and I find myself completely un-interested. I am scared that I am becoming infatuated with my boss and I dont know how to stop it because I see him every day.

Another twist to this story is that I have had a special guy in Albeta, I live in Quebec Canada, who I met on the internet. We have known each other for 6 months and talk to eachother almost every night. We had even bought web cams so we could see each other while we talked. He tells me that I am so amazing and that he can't wait to see me. He tells me that he misses me and he sends me all kinds of sweet cards and letters.

A week before I slept with my boss I had bought a plane ticket to go see him next month. Now I dont know what to do. I really like him but I have my boss on my mind all the time. I have been ignoring the guy from Alberta a little since it happened. I would love for something to become more with my boss and I, but I doubt that will happen because of the age difference, and he also has a son who is 10.

What do you think I should do Dr. Tracy? Should I see if there is a slight possibility with my boss? Or am I dreaming in technicolour? And would I possibly be throwing away a great opportunity to see someone in Alberta who really cares about me, for someone who wont? I really could use your advice since I am really confused. Please Dr. Tracy, I need your help.

Completely confused.

Dear Completely Confused,

You're confused because you had some great orgasms, and women often feel confused when this happens - they think they're in love with the giver of the orgasm. And now, after having great sex with him a couple more times, you're becoming attached. It's natural. Everybody gets attached to the source of their pleasure, just as drug addicts become attached to their drugs.

Sure, he told you he never slept with an employee before and he couldn't help himself. That's what they all say. What's he going to say -- "I do this all the time with attractive female employees"?

This is an attachment you should fight. The best thing you could do is to stop sleeping with your boss, although I doubt if you will. The truth is you're in trouble either way. Keep sleeping with him, and you'll get more and more attached. Stop and he may want to get rid of you. Sleeping with the boss, older or not , is dangerous. If the affair doesn't work out, you often wind up unemployed, no matter how good your working relationship is and no matter how great an employee you are or how great the sex was.

So take the trip to Alberta and meet this new man. Who knows, he could be even better in bed than your boss. You know the guy in Alberta really cares about you, so you have nothing to lose by following up on the plans to spend some time with him. Then, you'll have something else to think about other than your boss. It's easy to get hooked on someone if they're the only one in your life. Besides, you need the time away to get your head screwed back on straight. You may want to think about finding another job.

If you were employed elsewhere, you could date your older lover with impunity. As it is, you're in a very wobbly position. You've given your boss far too much power over you if he is the provider of your salary, your orgasm and your only male interest.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I recently used a technique from your MAN POWER book called the 'withdrawal tactic'. You stated to do the following for 6 weeks:
- Don't call the woman.
- Don't answer her calls and instead let the answering machine take the call.

These two things happened while I was doing this:
- Her sister called and left a message asking me to return her call.
- My woman came over for a surprise visit.

Now what do I do? Do I start the 6 week countdown over or do I disregard the visit? What do I do about calling the sister (who lives with her)? Do I treat the sister's call like a call from my woman?

By the way, your MAN POWER book is THE book for men when it comes to relationships. The techniques in your book are so powerful that I keep my book under lock and key! Thanks in advance for your answer and keep up the good work.

Dear Withdrawer,

You've tried the technique of withdrawing and it has worked. You got a call from your woman's sister, and yes, you can think of that as a call from the woman herself. Sure, return her call, but not immediately, wait a day or two.

You also got a surprise visit from the woman you want. You can think of the visit as a show of definite interest on her part. The balance of power in this relationship has shifted back in your favor. Don't blow it now.

No, you don't have to withdraw for another six weeks. What you have to do now is to keep yourself from falling all over this woman and giving all the power back to her again. You can call, once in a while, but not all the time, not every day. Call intermittently, but not regularly. For example, call on Monday, and then don't call again until Thursday. Then don't call again for a week. Then call in two days. The intermittent calls will keep her interest. If she calls you, you don't have to call back right away.

If she shows interest in you, that doesn't mean that you should throw all precaution to the wind and start calling all the time or asking her out all the time. Keep following the techniques in Man Power and you'll have the woman of your dreams on your own terms, without groveling or rejection.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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