"Ask Dr. Tracy"

11/3/96 Advice Column

Too Immature to Love,
Controlled By Her Parents,
The Virginity Problem

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My boyfriend and I dated for 7 months and we experienced communication problems near the end. Both of us did not tell each other what was bothering us. One minute he would say he wanted a serious girl and the next minute he would say he wanted space. When he broke up with me it was awful. He said he just wanted to focus on school and did not want a girlfriend right now. He said he didn't get a chance to party and wants to do that. He is not sure but he may want to experiment with having one night stands.

This gets me quite mad because in this day with HIV and AIDS he is an idiot to let his friends influence him like that. We talked about just having sex, and he said he wanted to think about it because he is not ready for a relationship but he tells me he wants me in that way. I know his friends are trying to set him up with other girls and it hurts knowing that he is either sleeping for fooling around with them. He is not very sexually experienced and is not sure what he wants. He told me if it is meant to be we will end up together.

I just want him to give us a second chance so I can show him that we can work things out we just did not communitcate very well. I never really get the chance to explain what I want out of a relationship and can't get over him. He is all I think about and I need some advice. Am I getting the run around. I'm 25 and he is 24 and his male friends are all single. How do I get him to notice me or listen to me and want me back in his life, they way he was before.

Confused, obsessed, and frustrated.

Dear Dumped and Confused,

Consider yourself lucky to get rid of this jerk. He runs hot and cold, turns on and off at the drop of a pin, and will break your heart over and over again if you let him. His behavior is not something that you can control. He will consider anything you do to get him back as begging and simply think, "I've sure got her where I want her now." He'll also get the message that if he treats you badly, you'll just try harder. So he'll act worse.

Try "thought-stopping" if you can't stop thinking about him. Wear a rubber band around your wrist. When the thought of him even enters your mind, snap the rubberband. If that doesn't work, up the ante. Put some rotten eggs in an inhaler and smell it whenever you think of him. Don't listen to music with lyrics for awhile, since so much of it is about a lost love. See a therapist or a well-trained hypnotist. Ask if they can help you.

You can never get him to treat you the way he used to. These kinds of guys are only nice in the beginning of the relationship. Then they get you and they're bored. Don't let your obsession with him ruin your life. Get healthy and get rid of him. Please read "When to Get Out" in my Library.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

For four months,I have been dating a wonderful, thirty-three- year-old Asian woman; who is afraid to tell her parents about me. Reason: I'm white and she is from Taiwan. All her life, it seems that her parents have made choices for her, which includes finding a suitable Asian man for her to marry. Although she is very much in love with me, she feels obligated to go along with her parent's match-making plans. We can only see each other during the day time and the occasional sleep-over at my house, whenever her parents are out of town for a couple of days. In the evenings, she must spend time with her family.

Although I do not want to force her to tell her parents about me, I did let her know my feelings about her parent's plans for her to meet an Asian man. She lives with her parents, and feels she has nothing without them. She is working very hard at her business to become independant and sever the umbilical cord from her parents. She hasn't called me in twenty-four hours, and I am feeling overwhelmed with anxiety. Another introduction???

I would sincerely appreaciate hearing from you. I love this woman very much, and would like to make this relationship work by showing some patience and understanding toward the cultural differences. But I'm really starting to worry.

Thanks for taking some of your valuable time to respond to my question.

Dear Overwhelmed by Anxiety,

If you can't put up with twenty-four hours of not talking to this woman, Asian or otherwise, you're in trouble. You're worrying about what if, instead of figuring she knows what she's doing, which is the truth.

Your four month relationship is not far enough along to plan a marriage. I'd say a couple should be together close to a year before they decide they're ready for marriage, with or without parents agreement. If your loved one can't bring herself to tell her parents, it probably means she's not really ready to marry you. Also, I doubt she'd find the same love and intimacy she has with you if she's just met someone. You're being neurotic and obsessed and that alone could drive her away from you.

If she loves you enough, and if she's sure enough that the two of you should be together, she'll eventually defend you to her parents. Concentrate on getting close to her and building your relationship. Don't push her, and don't harp on the parent issue.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am 31 years old, highly educated, a gourmet chef, a successful businessman and yet I am still unable to find the right woman. I have tried everything I know and have had NO success here. I mean NONE.

Yes, you guessed it, I'm also still a virgin. What do you suggest?

Dear Virgin,

The bad news is that a 31 year old male virgin is not going to seem very sexy to a 25 year old hot chick. So if that's your fantasy, give it up. And women in their late twenties and early thirties are at their peak of sexuality, and -- in general -- usually want someone who's experienced.

On the good news side, an older woman who likes younger men might find your innocence charming. A much younger woman, say 20, who's constantly being hit on, might find your sexual inexperience and reticence refreshing. If you want a woman in your age range, you may have to seek out a woman whose inexperience almost equals your own. Certainly another virgin would think you're terrific (unless she has fantasies of putting her virginity into more experienced hands).

So be open to younger or older women. Tell your friends you're looking for someone with sort of old-fashioned morals. Put ads in your local paper's singles section. In your ad, say you're a virgin, a gourmet chef, and a successful businessman. That way you'll get to choose from women who want exactly what you have to offer.

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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