"Ask Dr. Tracy"

11/12/2000 Advice Column

Wants to Know Where It's Going
Gay Love
Hubby Wants to Watch

Wants to Know Where It's Going

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a single 29 yr old who, met this 30yr old male one month ago( he has been divoriced for about 1 yr). We met in a bar thru my friends date, we seemed to hit it off real well. He asked me if I would like to go to dinner, he said that according to the dating rules he knew he had to wait 3days and he would call. Well he did and we see each other about once a week and he calls every other noc. I try not to call unless he calls cause I feel if he is interested he will continue to pursue, but I'm not to stubborne I have asked him to someting twice and he has said no. Everything had been going great till our date last Fri. when we went to a movie. He was very quiet and the date was rather boring. I did not hear from him till the following Sunday. He has asked me to go on several trips to the lake and the 1st time was not even one week into meeeting him. I did tell him thanks for asking but it was kinda soon for me to spend the weekend w/ him and 10 of his friends at the lake. I have accepted the invitation to go this coming weekend to the lake w/ him and his friends and the following weekend canoeing w/ him and another group of friends. I was unsure about going to the lake after our bad date and decided to ask if he still wanted me to go! He said yes and did I still want to go ? I said yes, but trying to figure where this relationship is going if anywhere? Do you have any suggestions on how I should go about finding more about the status of this relationship??? Thanks for your time.

Sincerely, Inqusitive

Dear Inquisitive,

You've only been dating this man for a month and you want to know where the relationship is going? You're jumping the gun and you're going to wind up scaring this guy off before this relationship has a chance to really get started.

I always warn men and women about giving too much too soon in a relationship. The other side of that warning is wanting too much too soon. And both giving too much and wanting too much includes information about yourself and the relationship. If you give too much information about yourself too soon, you kill the mystery and the surprises of finding out about you as the relationship goes on. If you want to know too much too soon, you kill the chance for the relationship to develop naturally.

Stop trying to find out about the future of this relationship. It's too soon. Instead, practice living in the here and now and don't futurize about what might happen. You're not going to find out about the future of this relationship, and by worrying about it, you won't enjoy the present. Go to the lake and enjoy yourself. Meet his friends. Maybe he's not sure how he feels about you and wants to see how you fit into his group of friends and if you enjoy the same activities he does. More importantly, you don't know him well enough to know if you even want a long-term relationship with him.

The best thing you can do is stop asking him to do anything. After all, he's turned you down twice. Don't strike out by asking again. It's a bad precedent to set to have a man say no to you too many times. As for your boring date, you have to realize not every date will be great, but you also have to give the relationship time so that you can find out if this guy is simply moody and/or can't have a good time without his gang around him. Most of all, you haven't seen how he behaves under stress. Anyone can be nice when life is smooth and there are no problems. The real test of a person is how they react when everything turns lousy. It's also a test of you to see if you can get past one bad date.

The other point to keep in mind is that most successful people are able to live with uncertainty, and your ability to do so will influence your success in relationships and in life. Not every relationship or life situation has a good/bad, yes/no answer that is immediately apparent. The future of most romantic relationships won't be apparent until you've been dating at least six months and sometimes it takes a couple of years to really know someone, to develop trust and to see if there's a future.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Gay Love

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 20 year old guy in his first gay relationship. My boyfriend is 19 years old, but acts considerably older. The problem is I feel like I am already losing my ability to be attractive to him. We have been together for 4 months now, and I have noticed that he acts less and less interested in me "like that". He doesn't act like he wants to break up with me, and he still talks about things we'll do in the future and wants me to be with him constantly, but as far the bedroom goes, if he had his way, we'd be at it once a week at the most.

Now, I know it's not that he has a decreased sex drive by any means. The other day when I was at his house, he decided to take a shower, I was feeling a little frisky and decided to sneak up on him. I had already told him that I was in the mood, so I assumed he knew that I would want him eventually that day. When I opened the door, I found him masturbating in the shower (he has a clear curtain). He had his back to me and did not know I was there. It seemed like it was a good opportunity, but I decided against it, since I was not invited. When he came out, I told him I had peeked in on him and he told me I had invaded his privacy and throughly embarrassed him. Which is completely true. But, I mean, he is also on line a lot looking at porn and masturbating frequently (he admits to getting off alone, even when he knows I am on my way over his house and more than willing to oblige whenever he wants).

I can understand someone doing these things this often if they didn't have someone, or if their person wasn't available. I can even understand if he were to do this once in a while. But, dammit, I've been right here! I am feeling a little left out on the fun here. I have tried various things to spice things up a little, but nothing ever works. This weekend I had to resort to begging him to do anything with me. He tells me that he doesn't masturbate because he's not attracted to me. He claims that I am very attractive to him. I believe him, because he always tells me the absolute truth (he is crazy when it comes to honesty). But, he doesn't really give a reason why I am often left out on the main event. Can you offer some insight on this. Maybe offer advice. I don't think I can really discuss this with him any more because the shower incident made everything very awkward between us. Do I have to just live with it and accept that he's more interested in being by himself than being with me?

Dear Willing to Oblige,

Straight or gay, there's nothing worse than a relationship where one person is hotter than the other person. If you feel as if your lover doesn't find you attractive enough, if you feel as if you're not getting enough sex, then you will eventually feel as if there is something wrong with you, even if there's not. Your self-esteem will suffer.

At your age and your boyfriend's age, you should be able to make love more than once a week at most. You are at the horniest age and so is your boyfriend. If he isn't interested in making love with you as much as you want after just four months, then you have a serious problem, and it has nothing to do with his masturbation or his looking at pornography.

Many men masturbate and have lots of sex with their partner as well. If your boyfriend can't be the lover you need, then you need to find a new boyfriend. Don't beg him for more time or more sex. Begging is demeaning, and frankly, not very sexy.

If you want sex and he doesn't, then leave his house. Don't hang around and allow yourself to be put down by being rejected. Instead, turn the tables and reject him for his sexual indifference. He'll wonder where you're going and who you're going to be with. You'll restore the balance of power in this unbalanced relationship.

Then go out and find someone who thinks you're wonderful, who wants you all the time, and who can't get enough of you.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Hubby Wants to Watch

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 30 year old woman and have been married for 11 years. My husband has a very high sex drive and mine is normal. By normal I mean that I am content having sex 4-5 times a week.

This is my problem. My husband has a sexual fantasy that involves me making love to another woman while he watches. I don't share his fantasy at all.

He feels like I am rejecting him by not wanting to do this. I just want our sex life to stay between me and him and not involve anyone else. This is tearing our marriage apart and we seem to be at a standstill.

Any advice?

Dear Normal,

When it comes to sex, "normal" is whatever two consenting adults agree to do. You're not willing to consent to what your husband wants, so to do it wouldn't be normal. Nobody should be forced or feel obligated to have sex in any way that they don't want to.

On principle, I'm not against two women having sex by any means, nor am I against one woman's husband watching. What I am against is anyone feeling pressured to perform a sex act of any kind. Frankly, your husband is getting plenty of sex. Four or five times a week is more than most men get, and you are under no obligation to fulfill his sexual fantasy. If you want your sex life to stay between the two of you, that's where it should stay, period.

Your husband sounds like an inconsiderate, demanding child who is only thinking about himself and his desires and not about you. He also may be using your refusal to satisfy his demands as an excuse to tear your marriage apart because there are other, unspoken issues involved.

The reality is that every sexual fantasy doesn't get satisfied. Your husband should grow up and realize that. If he wants to watch two women making love, there are lots of erotic videos out there that he can buy and watch to his heart's content. If he refuses to satisfy his fantasy that way, you and he should see a therapist to find out why after 11 years of marriage, he's using this sexual fantasy as a way to beat up on you emotionally.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

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