"Ask Dr. Tracy"

12/17/2000 Advice Column

A Hooker's Bite
Gay Lust
She Found His Pictures

A Hooker's Bite

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I'm a male 45 years of age, separated and have been seeing a hooker once a week for about 3 weeks now.

The sex is great but I would like to know what's with the biting of my nipples and my chest. She seems to get really tense and holds on tight to me while she is biting at me. I haven't asked her yet. Is there some kind of message there? Is she sexually aggressive/abusive. I like being with her because we cuddle and the kisses are very passionate. Anyway, Just Curious

Dear Curious,

Seeing a hooker involves an unusually high risk of contracting and passing along a sexually transmitted disease. I can understand that you're not ready to move into a bigtime relationship when you've just separated, but is a hooker really the way to go? What if you decide to go back to your wife? Will you tell her? Will you get tested for HIV before having sex with her, or anyone else?

When men patronize hookers it's usually because it's easier for them to trade money for sex than to invest emotions. Unfortunately, buying love isn't altogether satisfying. However, when you're seeing a prostitute, you're the customer and the customer is always right. So if you really don't like the biting, ask her to stop. I'm sure she'll comply.

The message from her is that she's trying to please you and turn you on. There's a fine line between pleasure and pain, especially during sexual arousal, when what ordinarily would be experienced as pain is only experienced as extra tactile excitement. I don't think her biting is a sign of her being sexually aggressive/abusive. She's probably found it's a way to give extra pleasure to her patrons.

The fact that you like being with her because of the cuddling and the kisses being very passionate tells me that you are looking for love in all the wrong places. Cuddling and kissing aren't usually what hookers do best. They specialize in sex acts. But since you're paying, speak up. Tell her what you like best, and get what you want.

Don't spend too long seeing a hooker to the exclusion of normal relationships. You may find yourself having problems adjusting to women who want love, not money.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Gay Lust

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 26 year old female. I am considered very attractive and have had a number of serious boyfriends although I am currently "unattached." I recently graduated from law school and went to work for a large law firm in Dallas.

An older female attorney (she is 37) at the firm has become a good friend of mine. We work out together 3 days a week during the lunch hour at the downtown YMCA. I have been very surprised to find myself becoming intersted in this woman sexually, since I have never had a sexual relationship with a woman and definitely am attracted to men. She has an absolutely beautiful body and I have to admit that I love seeing her nude in the locker room and shower. I can tell that she finds me attractive as well although nothing has happened beyond lingering glance and an accosional slap on the butt with a towel.

Recently, I have become almost obsessed with thought of what it would be like to sleep with this women. Although I am sure she would be willing to experiment with me, she is a senior partner at the firm and in a powerful position. I do not know where that would leave me in the end. What should I do?

Dear Almost Obsessed,

It's hard enough to have a gay relationship. It's even harder to have one with your boss. As a matter of fact, it's almost always a big mistake to have any sexual relationship with your boss, period.

The problem is that if the relationship succeeds and you two wind up in an intimate situation with each other, it will eventually leak out to the rest of the office. The rumors will be ugly, and your every success will seem tainted. "Well! No wonder she got that great case -- she's sleeping with so-and-so!" people will whisper at the water cooler. And if the relationship fails, you'll probably wind up getting eased out of the firm. Neither she nor the other senior partners would want you around as a reminder of her lesbian fling. You could wind up out in the cold with no job and no lover.

So your best bet is to stay out of the locker room when your boss is in it. Stop looking at her naked. Stop lusting after her. Stop imagining what it would be like to sleep with her. If you want to explore your bisexuality, do it outside of the office. Don't get sex and office politics mixed up. If you find yourself thinking about her obsessively, use "thought stopping." Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it when you start to think of her. Then replace the obsessive thoughts about your naked boss with more constructive positive thoughts.

Find a new workout partner or get an exercise machine and use it at home. Since you're younger and trying to succeed in the firm, consider working at your desk during lunch instead of working out. Tell her you've decided to do that. My guess is that she will respect your decision -- and the wisdom behind it.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

She Found His Pictures

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am forty-seven and have been married to my second husband for ten good years. My first husband left me for another woman and I had no clue at the time (I was 25).

About six months ago, I began to see the same clues (the ones I missed the first time) in my second husband. I kept telling myself it was the just me seeing things that were not there. He had for six months had been talking to her on his cell phone and claiming it was one of his supervisor at his second job. I was not happy with the phone calls especially when they were early morning and the supervisor never called the house. I asked him to have them call the house and he said he could not refuse to talk to them via cell phone. so i dropped it.

then I found a suitcase in the trunk of his car (I was using it and went to put some packages in the trunk). I opened it it had winter clothes in it but there were pictures in it also. I thought they must be pictures we had taken and he forgot to bring into the house.

I almost fainted there were picutres of him and an other woman. also naked and other type of piturces of this woman. I went home and confront him with the picturces.

He said he was glad I found them. He wanted me to know that he had had this affair but it was over physical but they still talked on the phone.

I lost it and we have fought for a month now about all this. He claims he loves me and wants to save our marriage. I love him and am trying to believe him but she still calls his cell phone. He claims that he is not seeing or talking to her.

My ego is almost gone and all I want to do is stay in bed and wish I had not looked in the suitcase. I do not know if I should stay or go or why I'm confused on what to do.

Dear Confused,

Your husband sounds like he wants to save his marriage. Most men who cheat don't really want to leave their wives, and yours sounds like one of these.

It's a good thing you caught him. Don't be sorry you looked in the suitcase. Instead, pat yourself on the back for seeing the signs this time and taking action. Stop telling yourself you see things that aren't there, and listen to your inner voice.

Now that you've found him out and put a stop to the relationship, make sure it's over. Don't go to bed and hide. Stand up and face the situation head on. It's time to fight for your relationship. Don't be a pushover. Call the other woman and let her know you're on to her. Tell her that if she doesn't stop calling your husband on the cell phone, you'll take action to ruin her life. Threaten to tell her mother, her priest, her boss, her relatives, her neighbors. Tell her she might find you with a picket sign outside of her house with a big blowup of the pictures you found of her naked.

Tell your husband he needs to trade in his cell phone for one with an unlisted number. If his cell phone rings at the wrong time of day, you answer it.

If you take action instead of staying in bed and wishing you had never found out, you will feel better about yourself. Feeling out of control and unable to do anything about it is the worst for your ego. Give yourself a boost. Spend a day at the spa. Get a new hairstyle. Go for a massage. Take care of yourself as if you were valuable and you'll feel better about yourself.

Marriages can survive affairs. Since you love each other and both want to save your marriage, you should insist that he go with you to see a counselor. A good marriage requires the ability to forgive and move on, to live in the here and now, and to forget about the sins of the past.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

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